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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Hats Off To Idiocy

    | Charleston, WV, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top

    (It is New Year’s day/night. I am working the graveyard shift and I have a pair of friends at the store keeping me company. A customer comes in and is casually walking the aisles. My friends and I continue talking, but I keep an eye on him. The customer heads for the door without buying anything, but I notice a hat rack hanging from the ceiling, swinging wildly.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    (The customer stops by the door, holding his jacket closed.)

    Customer: “Yeah?”

    Me: “I’m really sorry, and I’m sure I’m mistaken, but would you mind opening your jacket?”

    Customer: “Why do you want me to do that?”

    Me: “Again, I’m sure I’m mistaken, and I do apologize, but I need to make sure you didn’t forget to pay for a hat.”

    Customer: “How dare you accuse me of stealing! I don’t have to do what you say!”

    Me: “Sir, if you don’t I’ll have to—”

    (At this point, the customer darts out the door. I know we’re not supposed to, but I am angry that this guy would steal from me. I hop the counter and start running for the door. The customer sees me and takes off running. I chase him across the parking lot and start across the street after him when my better judgement kicks in. I go back inside, but am surprised to see my friends laughing really hard.)

    Me: “What’s so funny?!”

    One Of My Friends: “Dude! His car is right there! Parked outside!”

    (I call the police, who arrive and check his trunk. The customer had had a busy night, and had stolen from a few other stores. A cop is taking my statement when we see a woman get in the customer’s car and start it up.)

    Cop: *to the woman* “What are you doing?”

    Woman: “…Oh, my husband is drunk and forgot that he had driven the car to the store. I’m just picking it up.”

    (Sensing an opportunity, the cop slyly smiles at me, before continuing to speak to the woman.)

    Cop: “Okay, go ahead…”

    (The woman gets in the car and drives off, unwittingly leading the cop to her home. I testified in court a few weeks later.)

    Forever Unatoned

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Being close to a bad part of town, we’d often get unruly kids with nothing better to do than to hang out in our store. It is usually the same group of kids, and they always happen to break something during every visit. After breaking a football game display (by cleverly playing football with it), we issue a permanent ban. The following takes place within a year. The next day…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Why won’t you let us in?”

    Manager: “You keep breaking our stuff.”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “F*** you! I’ll break what I want!”

    Manager: “And that’s why we banned you. Leave. Now.”

    (A week later…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Let us in! We’ll be good!”

    Manager: “Not happening.”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Fine, this place sucks! We’ll go to the other store, then you’ll be happy!”

    Manager: “Will you buy something from there?”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “No.”

    Manager: “Then I don’t care where you go.”

    (A month later…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Hey man, it’s been a month. We’ve learned our lesson. Let us in or we’ll tell our parents!”

    Manager: “We have enough video surveillance saved of you guys to press charges. You really want to let your parents know about this?”

    (They leave silently. A few months later…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Hey, I’m not sure if you heard, but the manager unbanned us!”

    Me: *calling their bluff* “He’s in the back, let me check.”

    (He actually had the day off. The gang runs away. Finally, a year goes by, and we haven’t seen or heard from the kids at all. When they show up, my manager is about to kick them out, when I interject.)

    Me: “Listen, I think these kids got the message that we’re serious. They haven’t bothered asking to be let in for a whole year, and here they are, politely asking to be let back in. Let’s give them a second chance!”

    Manager: “Fine, but they’re your responsibility.”

    Me: *to the kids* “Alright guys, it’s been a whole year, and I’d like to think you learned your lesson. I convinced the manager to let you in, but do anything bad again, and it’s back to being banned. Deal?”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Deal.” *he then drops his pants and flashes a group of adults*

    Me: “BANNED FOREVER, AGAIN!”

    The Dumb And The Dubious

    | The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Transportation, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a car wash that often sees high-end vehicles such as Ferraris. In fact, we get so much people staring that we’d actually had to change our exit to the road as people always bunched up around the cars making exiting difficult. The exit is very well signed, with big white lines being drawn; not a single accident has happened. However, one day, someone in a very banged-up Volkswagen wants to save time by driving into the exit so he could get to the pump quicker, but drives straight into a brand new Ferrari.)

    Volkswagen Driver: “My car! Look at what you have done to my car!”

    Ferrari Driver: “Pardon me?!”

    Volkswagen Driver: “Look at what you have done to my car with your s*** Lamborghini!”

    Ferrari Driver: “First of all, this is a Ferrari. Secondly, I honestly can’t tell if the big dent in your car was there to begin with or not. Judging by the state of your vehicle, it must have been. But, seeing how you have damaged my vehicle, we are going to have a problem.”

    Volkswagen Driver: “Pssh. Your car isn’t worth half of mine! See the audio equipment in my baby, buddy? 500 Euros!”

    (The Ferrari driver gets on his phone as the Volkswagen driver continues to rant about how that ‘piece of s*** Porsche’ ruined his car. Sure enough, the police arrive and take statements. Once they take the Ferrari owner’s statement and review our security footage, the Volkswagen driver is blamed.)

    Volkswagen Driver: “F*** you, a**holes!” I’m not going to pay for that wreck!”

    Police Officer: “You certainly are, but we’ll discuss that on the station.”

    Volkswagen Driver: “Why?!”

    Police Officer: “Well, to start with, you’ve given us false details. Following that, you caused an accident and refused to settle this correctly whilst clearly being to blame. Following that, we have done a check on your vehicle and it’s uninsured. Also, you don’t have a licence and you’re wanted for two hit and runs.”

    (At that moment the Volkswagen driver starts to run. His mistake is trying to run past the Ferrari driver, who has been calm and collected through the whole ordeal. Without a single second thought, the Ferrari driver takes a swing at the Volkswagen driver; who gets hit in the stomach and collapses for the police officers to arrest him. We learn that the Volkswagen driver was put in jail for four years for various offences, while the Ferrari driver was let off with a warning.)

    Follow The Trail Of Cookie Crumbs

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    (I am working in a ‘Mom & Pop’ coffee shop, where things are run by an owner who is hardly around and no managers. Baristas only work with coworkers on the morning shift. This takes place on a weekday afternoon with only me working and few customers around.)

    Customer: “It’s my birthday. I get something for free, right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t do that here.”

    (The customer points to brownies, which are our most expensive pastry item.)

    Customer: “I can get one of those for free, right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we just don’t give free items to people on their birthdays.”

    Customer: “But it’s my birthday!”

    Me: “Maybe Starbucks down the street has that sort of item. We’re a privately owned Mom & Pop coffee shop, and our owner doesn’t offer that sort of thing.”

    Customer: “Get your manager. He’ll give it to me.”

    Me: “He’s not around at the moment.”

    Customer: *points to brownies again* “How much are those?”

    Me: “$2.25.”

    (The customer wanders away. I see him meander over to some other customers enjoying their coffee at a table and strikes up a conversation with them. This isn’t unusual, as our coffee shop is quite a neighborhood social spot. After a few minutes, he begins talking to another customer. Then, he comes back to counter.)

    Customer: *dumps load of change on counter* “How much will this buy me?”

    (I realize that he had been hitting up the other customers for change. I suddenly realize that there is something very off about this customer, and am a bit scared, but because I am alone I decide the best thing to do is help him and get him out of the coffee shop as quickly as possible.)

    Me: *counting* “You have about $3.00.”

    Customer: “What can that buy me?”

    Me: *points to menu* “Anything under $3.00 on that menu.”

    Customer: *points to brownies* “Can it buy me that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: *points to cookies* “Can it buy me that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll take one of those and one of those.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but cookies are $1.40. With the brownie it will cost you $3.65. You don’t have enough money for both. But you can buy two cookies.”

    Customer: “Okay. I’ll take that.” *points to cookie* “Can you microwave it for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have a microwave. I can put it in the convection oven for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a microwave?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: points to toaster* “Put it in there.”

    Me: “In the toaster?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: *reluctantly* “Alright.”

    (As I toast the cookie, the customer pulls out a cellphone and plays around with it.)

    Customer: “I’ll sell you this cellphone for $15.”

    Me: “Thanks, but I already have a cellphone.”

    Customer: “But then you’d have two cellphones!”

    Me: “I can’t afford another one, thanks.”

    Customer: *punching some buttons on cellphone* “Hey, what’s your number?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t give that out to customers.”

    Customer: “You’re a cute girl. I’ll show you a good time.”

    Me: “I already have a boyfriend.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “Uh, no thanks.”

    (The cookie pops up from the toaster, which I put in a bag and take to the counter to give to the customer. That’s when two cops enter from the coffee shop’s front door and two cops enter from the coffee shop’s side door, surrounding the customer.)

    Cop: “All right, buddy, you’re coming with us.”

    Customer: *reaches for cookie and change* “All right, I just need to get my stuff.”

    Cop: “She’ll hold onto it for you. Just come outside now.”

    (The customer leaves coffee shop with cops, where he is handcuffed and taken away. Another cop comes back in to explain that he had been panhandling in all of the stores on our street, acting just as erratic as he had in our coffee shop. Several of the other store owners had alerted the cops after he left their businesses, and they followed the trail of weird to our coffee shop.)

    Their Purchasing Power Has Gone Up In Smoke, Part 2

    | Waynesboro, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Underaged

    (I work at a gas station. We have a lot of rules to prevent under-aged people from getting cigarettes. I’ve just graduated from high school a few weeks before, and am still 17. A kid that I don’t really know, but goes to my old high school walks in with his mom.)

    Kid: “Hey, can I get a pack of [cigarettes].”

    Me: “I’m going to need to see your ID first.”

    Kid: “C’mon, you know me. We went to high school together.”

    Me: “Sorry, but if you look underage, I have to card you.”

    (He says he understands, and calmly walks out. His mom follows him out without buying anything. About two minutes later, she comes back in stays right at the newspapers near the door, and pretends to be looking around for about a minute, looking at the papers.)

    Lady: *loudly* “Oh, there it is.” *walks right up to the register*

    Lady: “I forgot to get the paper earlier.”

    Me: “That’ll be 75 cents.”

    Lady: “Oh, yeah. Can I also get a pack of [cigarettes]?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but your son just came in and didn’t have his ID. I can’t sell the same cigarettes to you right now.”

    Lady: “Well, what if they aren’t for him! They are for his dad.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. It’s against store policy.”

    (She’s clearly angry at this point. My manager notices and is already on her way to the register.)

    Lady: “Well, I wanna see your manager!”

    Me: “The lady would like to speak to you.”

    Lady: “Yeah, this little a**hole won’t sell me cigarettes!”

    Manager: “Well, the problem is it’s against store policy to sell cigarettes to you since he had to deny your son.”

    Lady: “Well, in the state of Pennsylvania, it’s illegal to deny a purchase of any kind to a customer!”

    Me: “Actually it’s illegal to buy cigarettes for a minor.”

    Lady: “Well, I want to talk to corporate and tell them about this!”

    (My manager gets the phone under the register, calls corporate, and explains the situation. However, before my manager can finish talking, the lady grabs the phone from my manager.)

    Lady: *to the phone* “Yeah, can you tell these a**holes they have to sell me cigarettes?!”

    (We can hear the voice from the phone, and the moment corporate stops talking, the lady slams the phone down throws the paper at us.)

    Lady: “You can shove that paper up your a**!”

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    Their Purchasing Power Has Gone Up In Smoke

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