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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Not Sue-ted To Shoplifting

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month

    (I spot a young woman looking shiftily around, obviously checking to make sure no associates are watching her. I step up behind her as quietly as I can; she hasn’t spotted me yet. She starts putting a couple stacks of shirts into her bag.)

    Me: “Ah-HEM!”

    (She freezes, and slowly turns around.)

    Woman: “I was just—”

    Me: “Uh-huh.”

    Woman: “I really need—”

    Me: “Mm-hmm?”

    (She sheepishly puts the stack of shirts back onto the table, and starts to walk towards the exit.)

    Me:All of it please, ma’am.”

    (She scowls like a little kid, stomping over and throwing the last shirt in her bag at me.)

    Woman: “I’ll sue you all!” *stomps out*

    The Honesty Of The Thievery Pants

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month

    (A man comes in and starts looking through the clothes. He grabs a pair of pants, and starts fast-walking towards the door.)

    Coworker: “Sir, are you going to pay for those?”

    Man: “No.”

    Coworker: “Sir, we really need you to pay for those.”

    Man: “NO!”

    Me: “Please, sir! We need those back!”

    Man: “I need them more!”

    (The man bolts out the door. We look at each other for a moment dumbfounded, then burst out laughing.)

    Prescription Affliction

    | New York, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a pharmacy technician. The pharmacist receives a call.)

    Caller: “This is Lisa; I am calling from Dr. [name]‘s office. I need to call in a prescription for a patient.”

    Pharmacist: “Sure, what is the patient’s name?”

    Caller: “It is [name].”

    Pharmacist: “And the prescription?”

    Caller: “It’s [narcotic], 90 pills, three times a day.”

    Pharmacist: “Okay, thanks.”

    (The pharmacist hangs up and turns to me, frowning.)

    Pharmacist: “Do you know anything about this?”

    Me: “What? No, why?”

    (The pharmacist shows me the called-in prescription.)

    Me: “Oh! Lisa was fired months ago. You had better call the police.”

    (When Lisa comes in to pick up the narcotic prescription for her boyfriend, the police are there to arrest her. The Doctor she used to work for is my father; she was trying to use his license number to get pills from a dozen nearby pharmacies.)

    Planning To Walk A Mile In Another Man’s Shoes

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m a cashier at a sports store. A customer comes up with just a few items, one being a small shoebox. I open the box and there are two dirty old kid’s shoes inside.)

    Customer: “Oh, my son has them on; he’s somewhere else in the store.”

    Me: “I just need to see the shoes before I ring them up, and make sure they are right.”

    Customer: “Oh, uh…”

    (He calls his son—who is standing ducked behind the candy aisle—over.)

    Customer: “Here!”

    (He cheerfully points at his son.)

    Me: “I have to see them up-close.”

    (He picks his son up and holds his feet out.)

    Customer: “See?”

    Me: “Can I get one of those?”

    Customer: “Sure?”

    (He’s not smiling as much now, and pops one of the shoes off.I check the shoe. It’s the same brand, same size, but different style number.)

    Me: “Oh, you’ve got the wrong shoe. Are these the ones you want? I can call for the right box.”

    (He puts on a big show of arm movements and smacking his forehead.)

    Customer: “Aww buddy! We got the wrong shoes! We got the wrong shoes, buddy. We’ll be right back.”

    (He takes back the box. I wait for a while, holding his other items. I call the shoe department to tell them about the man, and find out the box was for a much cheaper pair of kid’s shoes. I let my manager know, and she heads off after him. When the man returns, I am alone.)

    Customer: “Here we go!”

    (I check the box: same brand and style number. I nod, smile, and ring them up. My manager walks up, not smiling at all, and holds out another box.)

    Manager: “You wanted this too, right?”

    (He looks rather wide-eyed and quiet. He suddenly smiles and takes the box, nodding.)

    Customer: “Yeah, right! I lost this, thank you! I was going to ask for it. Haha.”

    (I ring up the box and the man leaves with his son. My manager says she followed my tip and found him putting on some adult shoes himself, determined to get a free pair. She just brought up the box for the shoes he was going to steal.)

    Do Not Acid Test God

    | East Lansing, MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a 24-hour convenience store on a college campus I attend. A man in his twenties comes in at about 4AM. He’s the only one in the store except me, and one of my co-workers.)

    Me: “Hi there! How’re you today?”

    Customer: “Not bad.”

    (He walks over to one of the three aisles in the store before starting to strip down naked. I’m taken aback, and immediately start to call the police, while my coworker attempts to talk the man down.)

    Coworker: “Hey, dude, what are you doing? Put your clothes on!”

    Customer: “It’s a glorious day! A righteous day!”

    (The man, now fully nude, begins to touch his body to the disgust of both of us. He starts rubbing his front up against the ice-cold freezer door.)

    Me: “Sir, I’ve called the police. They’ll be here soon; please put your clothes on.”

    (The customer mumbles incoherently as he rests up against the door, touching himself very inappropriately. My coworker manages to talk him into getting into his underwear, as the cops arrive and arrest him.)

    Cop #1: “What’s your name, son?”

    Customer: “I AM GOD!”

    Cop #1: “Yeah, okay, son. Let’s go.”

    (The cops lead him out into the freezing air in only his underwear. Later in the day, they come back to explain why he did it.)

    Cop #1: “Apparently, he was on four hits of acid, and had just left a house party on campus!”

    (The customer came in the next day demanding that we return his iPhone that ‘we clearly stole’. We threw him out of the store.)

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