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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    He’s Not Getting Off The Hook(ah)

    | OH, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Top, Underaged

    (I am an owner of a hookah smoking lounge near a college campus. A group of three underage-looking young people comes in and tries to purchase a smoking session.)

    Me: “Okay guys, can I see your IDs?”

    Customer #1: “We don’t have IDs. We don’t need ‘em!”

    Me: “Sorry, but you don’t look over 40, so I have to ask.”

    (Customers #2 and #3 pull out their ID cards, and even though they look young, they’re over 18. I let them complete the purchase, but the other customer still refuses to show ID.)

    Customer #1: “I’m with them. I’ll use their ID.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t work like that. Since you refuse to show me ID, I have to refuse you service. Your friends may stay, since they showed ID. Have a nice day. Please leave.”

    (As I have been processing their order, a rush of customers have come in and I think I see Customer #1 leave. As I take an order to another group, I see Customer #1 sitting with his friends. I walk up to them.)

    Me: “I thought I told you to leave.”

    Customer #1: “What are you going to do, call the police?”

    (I pull out a badge out of my pocket, since I am also a reserve deputy sheriff on my days off.)

    Me: “No need, I’m already here. Now stand up. We’re going to the back.”

    (I didn’t bother with filing charges on him, but I did call his parents who were very angry. In fact, I found out his father was a city police officer himself!)

    Lock Blocked

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids

    (I work at a laser tag centre, which is housed in a converted warehouse. As a party is leaving, I see one of their kids swipe the padlocks off the roller door at the front of the building. After I call the parent in charge, the kid comes back.)

    Me: “Hey, thanks for coming back.”

    (The kid grumpily slaps the padlocks on the counter.)

    Kid: *mumbles* “Sorry.” *he clearly isn’t*

    Me: “Er, that’s okay, just… don’t do it again. You mind telling me why you stole these in the first place?”

    Kid: “They were just hanging there so I grabbed them.”

    Me: “What were you going to use them for?”

    Kid: “I dunno, I could go lock s***.”

    Me: “You do realise that you would never be able to open whatever you locked, right? Because you don’t have the key?”

    Kid: *genuinely surprised* “Aw… didn’t think about that.”

    Me: *trying to keep a straight face* “Alright, thank you for your honesty. Go back to your parents…”

    Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 12

    | Serbia | Criminal/Illegal, Technology

    (I work in a computer repair service where we fix computers, reinstall windows OS and the like. A girl storms in the shop, ignoring the line and starts shouting at me.)

    Customer: “Hey! When you reinstalled my Windows, you broke the wireless receiver in my laptop! I can’t connect to my wireless network! I want my money back and I want it now!”

    (Other customers are obviously uncomfortable. I decide to test her laptop on the spot, on the counter, and it connects to our shops wireless network without any problems.)

    Me: “See, it connects to the internet. Maybe you didn’t set up your connection properly.”

    Customer: “It connects to your network, but not mine. The programs you installed must be wrong ones! I want my money back!”

    Me: “If it connects to one network, it will connect to any. What kind of device are you using to broadcast your wireless signal?”

    (She is silent.)

    Me: “Are you connecting to your own wireless network?”

    Customer: “…No.”

    Me: “Are you sure you aren’t trying to steal someone else’s internet without knowing their password?”

    Customer: *blushes, lowers her head, and rushes out of the shop*

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 11

    Children Take Note Of When You Take Notes

    | Philippines | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Money, Top

    (I am at small cupcake store. I have Php100 (around $2.50), which is the exact amount for the two cupcakes I purchase. Next to me is a shifty woman with two rowdy kids. I order and leave my money on the counter. When I get my cupcakes, the money is gone, so I assume my cupcakes are paid. I’m about to leave, when the store owner says she hasn’t received payment.)

    Me: “I already paid, miss. I left the money on the counter.”

    (She looks down on the counter, and on the floor, but it isn’t there. I am about to take out another 100, doubting if my memory was fine or if the money flew away, when the owner makes a small gaze at the other woman, who quickly notices it.)

    Lady: “So, what? You’re blaming me? Why am I to be responsible for some girl who’s whiter? Does that mean she’s not going to cheat you? She didn’t leave any money on the counter!”

    (In the Philippines, like America, there’s some racism on the skin color as well. I’m unnaturally white for a Filipino, which hints to everyone about my Spanish ancestry. I’m part Spanish, but dominantly Filipino. Anyone with light skin are automatically assumed to be of Spanish heritage while tan and darker are pure Filipino ancestry. Because of the Spanish colonization back in the early day, some still believe that Spanish-lineage people look down on Filipinos. The lady goes on a rant about how hard her life is as a mother of two, and refuses to be a victim of a, as she puts it, a Spaniard. I keep a cool and unemotional face, but the owner, who triggered the woman’s anger, begins cowering. Finally, her little boy, who looks like he would want nothing more than to leave the kiosk and find a bathroom, butts in.)

    Boy: “Mom, I really have to pee. Can’t you just give them back the money you got on the counter a while ago and we can go?”

    (The mom’s face turns red, grabs her bag, dumps a crumpled 100 on the counter, turns on her heel, and leaves with her nose in the air.)

    Me: “Merry Christmas!”

    Hats Off To Idiocy

    | Charleston, WV, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top

    (It is New Year’s day/night. I am working the graveyard shift and I have a pair of friends at the store keeping me company. A customer comes in and is casually walking the aisles. My friends and I continue talking, but I keep an eye on him. The customer heads for the door without buying anything, but I notice a hat rack hanging from the ceiling, swinging wildly.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    (The customer stops by the door, holding his jacket closed.)

    Customer: “Yeah?”

    Me: “I’m really sorry, and I’m sure I’m mistaken, but would you mind opening your jacket?”

    Customer: “Why do you want me to do that?”

    Me: “Again, I’m sure I’m mistaken, and I do apologize, but I need to make sure you didn’t forget to pay for a hat.”

    Customer: “How dare you accuse me of stealing! I don’t have to do what you say!”

    Me: “Sir, if you don’t I’ll have to—”

    (At this point, the customer darts out the door. I know we’re not supposed to, but I am angry that this guy would steal from me. I hop the counter and start running for the door. The customer sees me and takes off running. I chase him across the parking lot and start across the street after him when my better judgement kicks in. I go back inside, but am surprised to see my friends laughing really hard.)

    Me: “What’s so funny?!”

    One Of My Friends: “Dude! His car is right there! Parked outside!”

    (I call the police, who arrive and check his trunk. The customer had had a busy night, and had stolen from a few other stores. A cop is taking my statement when we see a woman get in the customer’s car and start it up.)

    Cop: *to the woman* “What are you doing?”

    Woman: “…Oh, my husband is drunk and forgot that he had driven the car to the store. I’m just picking it up.”

    (Sensing an opportunity, the cop slyly smiles at me, before continuing to speak to the woman.)

    Cop: “Okay, go ahead…”

    (The woman gets in the car and drives off, unwittingly leading the cop to her home. I testified in court a few weeks later.)

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