Category: Criminal/Illegal

Enough Bong For Your Buck

, | Selkirk, MB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

(I am working in the drive-thru section of our store. My coworker is taking the order as the customer is at the speaker box.)

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. [Coworker] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a glass of bong water!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Haha, just give me a cup of water.”

Coworker: “Okay… anything else?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Coworker: “Okay, please drive to the window.”

(At the window…)

Coworker: *gives customer the cup of water*

(The customer drives into the parking lot.)

Coworker: *to me* “That guy had a bong right on his lap. He and his buddies in the car are seriously about to go do drugs in the parking lot.”

Me: “I’m astounded at how stupid they are. Let’s call the police.”

(We called the police, and they came within a few minutes. They searched the car and drove the impaired guys home. We don’t know any details about how they were charged. When my coworker was taking out the garbage, he overheard the guy complaining because he would have to go get more drugs now.)

A Speedy Resolution

| VA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(Working at a used car lot, I receive the following phone call:)

Customer: “I bought a car from you guys, and it has a vibration at 80 miles per hour, can you tell me what’s causing that?”

Me: “What is the vehicle in question sir?”

Customer: “A 2004 [Car].”

Me: “Sir, a slight vibration at high speed is normal in an 11 year old vehicle. Nothing is ‘causing’ it.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I just want to know what’s causing the vibration in my car at 75, 80 miles per hour.”

Me: “Sir, is there any vibration at lower speeds?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Sir, that is normal operation for that vehicle.”

Customer: “So,what might be causing this vibration?”

Me: “…Sir, where in the state of Virginia are you finding a road with a speed limit of 80 miles per hour?”

Customer: “What? What does that have to do with my vibration?”

Me: “Sir, you are asking me to fix a problem that is occurring when you are operating your vehicle in an illegal fashion. You’ve already told me that there is no vibration at lower speeds, and the vibration only occurs when you violate the speed limit laws. I can’t very well fix a problem I can’t duplicate, and since our technicians don’t test drive customers’ vehicles at illegal speeds, I will never find the issue you’re describing.”

Customer: “Tell [Salesman] to call me.” *click*

A One-Sided Argument

| USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money

Me: “Your total is $15.50.”

Customer: “Here you go.” *hands me a $50 bill*

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry, sir. I can’t accept this. Do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: “What? Why not?!”

Me: “It’s fake.”

Customer: “No it’s not!”

Me: “It’s only printed on one side…”

Customer: “That’s how they make them now!”

Me: *buzzing security* “Sir, I can assure you that is not at all how ‘they’ make $50 bills.”

Customer: “Do your pen thing! Watch. When it shows up real, you’ll feel stupid.”

Me: *facepalm* “Sure, let’s try the counterfeit pen.” *I make a mark on the fake bill and it turns black* “See? You printed it out on computer paper.”

Customer: “Well… I… THAT’S JUST HOW THEY MAKE THEM NOW!”

(The customer was soon picked up by security who held him until the police showed up. I don’t know what happened to him after that.)

It’s Hard (Liquor) To Feed Family

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(A man comes into our store to steal. My coworker confronts him.)

Coworker: “Sir, you’re going to have to put that back.”

Customer: “I don’t have anything.”

Coworker: “I saw you put that bottle of brandy in your jacket.”

Customer: *puts bottle back* “You don’t understand. I need to feed my kids.”

Coworker: “…with brandy?”

Making A Good Call

| NC, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal

(For whatever reason, my home has always had more prank and scam calls than other people, so over the years I’ve gotten very good at getting the calls to stop. This happens on the first day of my first job. My trainer is on the phone and sighs heavily before hanging it up.)

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Trainer: “Prank callers. They’ve been calling all day. Sometimes they ask to order pastries we don’t have and sometimes they just giggle and hang up.”

Me: “Next time they call let me talk to them.”

Trainer: “You haven’t been taught to take phone calls.”

Me: “I’m good at dealing with prank callers. Trust me.”

(About twenty minutes later the phone rings. My trainer picks it up, sighs, and hands it to me. There’s giggling in the background.)

Caller: “Hey, do you have any um… [Name of product we don’t have].”

Me: “I understand you have been calling all day. I hope you understand that using a business number for anything other than business is against federal law, punishable by a $500 fine, and also against state law, punishable by a $2,000 fine. Additionally, we have caller ID, and can easily trace your call. Do you understand me?”

(The giggling in the background has stopped.)

Caller: “Um… yeah…”

Me: “Good.” *hangs up*

Trainer: “Is all of that legal stuff true?”

Me: “I have no idea, but they probably don’t either.”

Trainer: “Yeah, I think I’m gonna like working with you.”

(The prank callers did not call back.)

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