(I work in the shoe department of a retail chain. I notice two customers walking through the aisles; both are wearing extremely shabby shoes.)

Me: “Hey guys, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Nah, we’re just looking.”

(I walk away. Moments later, I see both guys heading towards the front door. This time, one is wearing a pair of sparkling white, brand new shoes. Knowing exactly where those shoes are in the department, I find a box containing the customer’s dirty sneakers. I grab the box and chase them down as they’re walking out to the parking lot.)

Me: “Hey guys, did you forget something?”

Customer: “Um… no? What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, if you’re going to steal shoes, don’t you at least want to keep your old ones?”

(I open the box to show him.)

Customer: “Oh, steal? No, I was just going to pay for them.”

Me: “I get it. You thought the cash registers were outside? That’s a common mistake! I’ll escort you to a check-out line.”

(I’ll give the customer credit; he did pay for the shoes. He probably didn’t enjoy them as much, since he didn’t get them for free.)

Related:
Planning To Walk A Mile In Another Man’s Shoes

(A customer dressed like Michael Jackson walks into the store. He is carrying a boom-box, and an armful of Pikachu dolls. There are even more spilling out of his outfit. He is wearing a GIGANTIC rainbow Afro wig. My colleagues and I call him ‘Michael Jackson Wannabe’ (MJW). He is receiving comments from other customers.)

Other Customer: “Hey, Michael Jackson! It isn’t Halloween!”

(MJW says nothing. Extremely loud disco music starts playing from his boom-box. He starts dancing and moon-walking, while carrying his massive collection of dolls. Although a skilled dancer, he is more than unsettling due to his attire and massive collection of stuffed animals.)

Me: “Dude, quit. You’re freaking everyone out.”

(I turn down the music.)

Michael Jackson Wannabe: “LET THE MUSIC PLAY!”

(He turns the music all the way up again, and starts throwing his dolls at me and my coworker. I dive for cover behind the counter while my coworker calls the police. MJW is now holding his boom-box and is dancing right in front of a clearly annoyed elderly customer.)

Elderly Customer: “FALL!”

(The elderly customer snatches the boom-box right out of MJW’s hands, and THROWS it at him. MJW is knocked off his feet from the weight of the boom-box. The elderly customer looks over at me.)

Elderly Customer: “Do you think I took it a little too far?”

Me: “…yeah.”

(The police arrive, and take both MJW and the elderly customer away in handcuffs. The next day, the elderly customer comes back. He was jailed overnight for harming MJW. The police would have kept him longer, but they were sympathetic to the fact that he did stop a guy that was disturbing the peace.)

Elderly Customer: “Do you get a lot of weirdoes in here?”

Me: “Like that guy dressed like Michael Jackson? No not really. When we do, they’re like him, really loopy.”

(Surprisingly, the elderly customer gave me a $100 bill. Even better: we now sell Pokémon dolls! Thanks MJW, for introducing a new product to the store, even though you destroyed half the shop doing so.)

(It is the evening of July 3rd.)

Customer: “Can you show me where you keep your American flags?”

Me: “Down the holiday aisle, at the back.”

(A few moments later, we hear her screaming. My manager runs back to find out what is happening. She is screaming so loud that we can hear every word.)

Manager: “What’s wrong, ma’am?”

Customer: “What’s wrong with you people!?”

(She holds up the American flag box, and points at the ‘Made in China’ stamp on the bottom.)

Manager: “I don’t see the problem, ma’am.”

Customer: “How dare you people try to sell an American flag that was made in China!”

Manager: “Ma’am, only the box was made in China.”

Customer: “Don’t you try to pull that on me! I can clearly see the stamp that says this flag was made in China!”

Manager: “It says the flag was made in the USA right here on the front of the box, ma’am.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me again! I can’t believe how stupid you people are!”

(She storms off. My manager and I have a little laugh, and then we get back to work. About half an hour later, two policemen come in and ask for my manager.)

Manager: “How can I help you, officers?”

Cop #1: “We got a call about an attempted homicide in this store.”

Manager: “Really? This is the first I’ve heard of it. What happened?”

Cop #2: “The lady that called 911 said that the people at this store, and were trying to kill her with their dropping prices.”

(It’s clear by this point the cops are stifling a laugh, and are making light of the customer’s ridiculous call.)

Cop #1: “Would you know anything about that?”

Manager: “No, sir, as far as I know, we don’t drop our prices unless we’re sure they won’t land on anyone!”

Themed Giveaway Roundup: Crimes & Punishments! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

1. Making A Spectacle Of Herself (2,059 thumbs up)
2. The Need To Be Shirty (904 thumbs up)
3. Building A Case Against Her (1,396 thumbs up)
4. Not Quite Top Of Her Game (1,014 thumbs up)
5. Not Sue-ted To Shoplifting (1,466 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I’m a customer at a supermarket, in line behind a 30-40 year old woman, along with two other girls who appear late teens or early twenties. One of their items is a wine cooler. The woman points to the alcohol and starts chatting.)

Customer: “I’m getting this for my dog; he loves [wine]!”

Cashier: “Alright, I’ll need to see your companions’ IDs before I can sell this to you.”

Customer: “She hasn’t got anything to do with me; this is mine!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; I can’t legally sell it to you until I’m sure they aren’t minors.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know who she is. Just let me buy it!”

Cashier: “I can’t; I could lose my job.”

Customer: “Just get your d*** manager!”

(The cashier calls the manager to the register.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cashier: “This woman came in with these two, wanting to buy alcohol, and went off when I said I needed their ID.”

Customer: “D*** right I went off! This b**** better give me my [wine]. I don’t even know those two!”

Manager: “Well, I’m sorry, but it’s law. I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(She swipes the card, then turns to the younger woman she supposedly doesn’t know.)

Customer: “Put your PIN in!”

Younger Woman: “You don’t need it.”

Customer: “Yes I do; I don’t know it!”

(The very embarrassed younger woman types in the PIN, and the three leave together.)

Me: *to the cashier* “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

Cashier: “All day long.”