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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    A Wally With A Wallet

    | MD, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Our area has recently been hit with a bunch of fraudulent credit cards. We’ve been advised to double check IDs and cards. My coworker is checking out a customer and asks to see his ID.)

    Customer: “What do you need to see my ID for?”

    Coworker: “We’ve been advised to check all IDs. Besides the back of your card says to check ID anyway, so…”

    Customer: “Well, I’m telling you I am not showing you my identity! This is ridiculous! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “That would be me, sir. You’ll either have to show identification, or use another form of payment.”

    Customer: “Fine! Here!”

    (He tosses his entire wallet at me. I glance at the ID, which is out of state. The man in the picture is very obviously not the man in front of me. Furthermore, the card is in a woman’s name. I slide the ID to the side and notice that another ID is underneath; this ID is to another person! My coworker has noticed this, too. He ducks around the bend, and I hear him calling the police. I pretend to run the card through and have ‘technical problems’, stalling him long enough for the cops to get to our store. When they search him, they find another wallet on him with various cards. He’d been using stolen cards all day without anyone checking them!)

    Global Positioning Showers

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

    Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

    Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

    Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

    Me: “Cool, good to know.”

    (Several minutes pass.)

    Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

    Me: “That’s a new one.”

    Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

    The Wait Time Was Criminal

    | Chattanooga, TN, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (My husband calls a diner ahead for two Philly sandwiches. When we pull up, we see the waitress and the cook waiting outside while one person is eating at the counter.)

    Cook: “Are you [last name]?”

    Husband: “Yes?”

    Cook: “I’m sorry, but there’s been… an issue with your order.”

    Husband: “What’s going on?”

    Cook: “We’re waiting for the cops. You see, I was in the middle of making your order. That gentleman in there came in, grabbed your food off the grill, and sat down to eat. We think he might be armed. We’ve locked him inside, and we’re waiting for the cops.”

    (My husband is speechless.)

    Cook: “I’ll also have to remake your order if you still want it.”

    Husband: “It’s okay. We’ll wait.”

    (We are there for over an hour. The cops show up rather shortly. They arrest the man, and take all available evidence. The cook and waitress have to clean everything before they can make my husband’s order. We are given half off for our wait!)

    About To Fight On Paper View

    | UK | Criminal/Illegal, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m a university student who lives at home, and delivers papers to earn extra cash. I’m delivering them close to a school, which has just finished for the day. A group of boys wander over.)

    Boy: “I want a paper.”

    Me: “These aren’t for you.”

    Boy: “I live there.”

    (He points to the house behind me, which I’ve just delivered to.)

    Me: “Prove it, then. Take out your key, and open the door.”

    Boy: “I don’t have to do that! I’m going out with my mates. I’m not going in yet.”

    Me: “So you want to carry a newspaper around with you?”

    Boy: “I just want a newspaper. I live there!”

    Me: “No, you don’t. I know the people who live there, and they don’t have a son. Besides, I’ve just put a paper in there.”

    Boy: “Just give me a f****** newspaper!”

    (He goes to take one out himself. I sit myself on the paper trolley to prevent him. He tries to pull me off, and I end up pushing him away.)

    Boy: “I can do you for assault for that!”

    Me: “Call the police; it’ll save me the trouble. You tried to steal from me; you’ve probably left a nasty mark on my arm, and all this can be seen as harassment. Let’s be honest; who are the police going to believe? Me, a university student with a job, or you, a kid who can’t even pull his own trousers up?”

    Boy: “F*** you!”

    (His mates are starting to wander over. I realize things could turn nasty, so I take a chance.)

    Me: “Looks like I don’t have to call them; here’s the police now.”

    (I must have good karma, because sure enough, a police car starts driving down the road. The boys scatter. When the car reaches me, it stops and the window lowers.)

    Officer: “Were they bothering you?”

    Me: “Yes, but I sent them running.”

    Officer: “Really? What did you tell them?”

    Me: “That I knew Kung Fu.”

    Spicing Up The Deal(er)

    | MD, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Top

    (I work at an adult store that used to sell a fake type of incense called ‘Spice’. It is now illegal, so we no longer carry it. Every so often, an undercover cop comes in asking for it—just to make sure we aren’t doing anything illegal. There are two other customers of a shady sort in the store already.)

    Undercover Cop: “Hey, do you guys carry any Spice, still?”

    Me: “No, sir, we no longer carry that product.”

    Undercover Cop: “You sure you guys don’t have any in the back?”

    Me: “I am, sir; it is illegal in Maryland. It is also a serious drug charge if caught with it, so we no longer carry it in any shape, way or form.”

    Undercover Cop: “Oh, okay. Thank you.”

    (One of the shady customers approaches the guy, unaware that he’s a cop.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, I got some stuff in my car you might be interested in.”

    Undercover Cop: “Really? Show me.”

    (I watch the three of them walk out the store. I quickly grab a broom and begin ‘sweeping’ by the front door. I see the two guys open the trunk of their car, and watch the cop’s eye go wide. I just stand at the door and watch the dumbest ever drug dealers get arrested in front of my store.)

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