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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Category: Criminal/Illegal

    About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 3

    | Springfield, OH, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Technology

    (I have worked with a customer for about 10 or so minutes to find a pair of jeans. I hear a beeping from what sounds like a cell phone coming from the customer, but he is ignoring it.)

    Me: “We have some of these on clearance here—if you need to take that, it’s fine.”

    Customer: “Oh naw, that’s just my bracelet.”

    (The customer leans down to his ankle to reveal a huge black bracelet for house arrest.)

    Customer: “The battery is dying.”

    Me: “Oh, okay.”

    (We move to the register.)

    Me: “We have a [drugstore] close by if you need any sort of battery.”

    Customer: “Naw, I gotta go home and charge it. Can I go put these on?”

    Me: “Sure, let me take the tags off for you, and we can process it when you come back.”

    (He returns after this, and we process the exchange. He thanks me, and his bracelet begins to beep again…)

    Related:
    About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 2
    About To Get Charged With Battery

    Bagged Herself A Steal

    | MI, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m a college freshman working in a thrift store. The most expensive item in the shop is $10. I am straightening up a rack when I watch a customer go into a dressing room, then emerge from the dressing room wearing a completely different outfit and make for the door. I stop her.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am! You realize you’re going to have to pay for that, right?”

    Customer: “I know that! I’m not an idiot!”

    (The customer turns around and walks over to a bookshelf, as if that’s where she’d been headed all along. I go back to the rack, but watch her out of the corner of my eye. She slowly begins making her way towards the door again.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. You still need to pay for that.”

    Customer: “I did.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I watched you. You went to the bookshelf and then tried to leave again.”

    Customer: “You were SPYING on me?! I want to talk to your manager!”

    (My manager, having heard the commotion, is already on his way over.)

    Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes. This little girl was spying on me and accused me of trying to shoplift my own clothes!”

    (I began to bristle and protest, but my manager shushes me and points to the customer’s pants. Or rather, to the price tag sticking out of the pocket. The woman looks down at it and then bolts for the door. I start after her, but my manager calls me back.)

    Manager: “Ah, let her go. She’s only wearing about $6 worth of merchandise anyway.”

    There Is A Meth To This Madness

    , | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Movies & TV, Theme Of The Month, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I live in New Mexico, a state now made famous for ‘Breaking Bad.’ I receive a lot of calls from tourists wanting to see the places where ‘Breaking Bad’ was filmed.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [business name]. My name is [name]; how can I help you?”

    Tourist: “Yes, I’d like to find out where Walter White lives.”

    Me: “Uh, who?”

    Tourist: “Gosh are all you people here stupid? Walter White, the guy who sells meth!”

    Me: “Oh, that Walter White. Well, sir, I don’t think you know this but, that’s actually just a TV show. He doesn’t live here.”

    Tourist: “NO, YOU’RE LYING! I HEARD FROM A FRIEND THAT IF I COULD MEET HIM, I COULD GET SOME GOOD METH!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, well I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. Have a nice day.”

    (I hang up, but the tourist calls back within 10 seconds.)

    Tourist: “You can’t lie to me; I know you know where he lives! I know you want the good stuff all for yourself.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s a TV show; it’s not real. I’m sorry; I don’t know where you can find any drugs, but if you have a problem I can get you a phone number of a company that can help you out.”

    Tourist: “NO! I JUST WANT WALTER WHITE’S NUMBER OR ADDRESS! I WANT TO MEET AND TALK WITH HIM!”

    Me: “Sir, he’s not real!”

    Tourist: “WELL, WHERE DO YOU WORK?! BECAUSE IF HE’S NOT REAL, THEN YOU’RE NOT REAL! AND IF YOU’RE NOT REAL, THEN I GUESS NOTHING IS REAL IN THIS STATE!”

    (I go ahead and get my manager and ask him what I should do.)

    Tourist: “IS ANYBODY STILL THERE!? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SERVICE HERE?!”

    Manager: “Sorry about that, sir; I can help you. Sir, you have proven to me that you deserve to come in contact with Mr. White. Here’s his phone number and address.”

    (My manager gives the tourist the police precinct phone number and address.)

    Manager: “Drive here, and wait outside before giving him a call. Make sure to give him a detailed description of what you want, and what you are driving and wearing.”

    Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Went

    | NH, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (A woman approaches the register, and sets down four half-eaten chocolate bars from our candy aisle.)

    Customer: “I sampled these chocolates, and didn’t like the consistency, so I don’t want them anymore.”

    (The customer starts to walk away.)

    Coworker: “Okay, well I’m sorry about that, but you’re still going to have to pay for these.”

    Customer: “But I didn’t like them!”

    Coworker: “Right, but you can’t just take things without paying. What made you think that would be okay?”

    Customer: “THEY WERE JUST SITTING IN MY CART; WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

    At Least He Was Knife About It

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m volunteering at the concessions area of a local hockey arena. A customer walks up to the counter.)

    Me: “Hello, sir!”

    Customer: “Hey! Could I get the key to room three?”

    (At our rink, the accessing of the rink locker rooms requires a special set of keys. Policy dictates that in exchange for the keys, there needs to be a small deposit. Usually, people give us their house keys or car keys, and we give them the room key. This is an effort to prevent theft and carelessness.)

    Me: “No problem! However, there is a small deposit required for the key; something like your car keys or house keys is needed to prevent theft. We’ll give it back once we get the locker room keys back.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Let’s see here, um…”

    (The customer begins rummaging around his coat pockets. Suddenly, he reaches inside his jacket, and pulls out a massive hunting knife and places it on the counter.)

    Customer: “Will this be okay?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Great, thanks!”

    (The customer takes the locker room keys and walks away. Behind him this entire time, a second customer is waiting in line.)

    Customer #2: “Whoa.”

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