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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

    | VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

    Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

    Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

    Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

    Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

    (Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

    Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

    Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

    Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

    They Will Be So Low When They See What Happens Next

    | CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Underaged

    (I’m checking IDs. A group of about five boys approach me.)

    Me: “IDs, guys?”

    (Customer #1 hands me his credit card instead of his ID.)

    Me: “…This isn’t an ID.”

    Customer #1: “Oh, right, sorry.” *he turns to his friends* “S***, bro, I’m sooooo high right now.”

    Scammed Out Of Trans-cendentals

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (I’m working at a hotel for the first time by myself late at night. A strange-looking customer walks in. I assume she’s a woman by her dress and heels she wears.)

    Strange Customer: *in a strangely deep voice* “Hello, I’d like a room, if you don’t mind… here’s my ID and credit card.”

    (She hands them to me. I run it through.)

    Me: “Sorry, it’s declined.”

    Strange Customer: *strangely unsurprised* “Oh, I’ve been using it all day; probably I’m at my limit! Let me call my bank.”

    (She makes a phone call that I can’t hear. I sense something amiss, and quickly photocopy her ID. She turns back to me.)

    Strange Customer: “My bank says it’s all right now.”

    Me: *running it again* “It still says declined.”

    Strange Customer: “Oh, no sweetie, all you have to do is put in this code…”

    (She says a code and baffled, I type it in, doubting it will work. To my shock, it does, and the credit card goes through.)

    Me: “Okay… well. Here’s your keys and sign the reg card…”

    (I give her back the card and ID, and she saunters off. I think nothing of it until the next week, when a police officer comes by.)

    Officer: “Yes I need to talk to you about this guy.” *holds up photocopy of ID*

    Me: “Oh yeah… I remember… wait a minute, ‘he’?”

    Officer: “Yes. Did he have a disguise?”

    Me: “Yes, he was dressed as a woman!”

    My Boss: “Come on, [My Name] that is clearly a man in the picture!”

    Me: “I know, I just thought that he was a really ugly woman…”

    Sew Inappropriate

    | UK, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    (I am in a fabric store looking at fabric for a friend’s Halloween costume, when an old lady enters and immediately comes over to me and stares for several minutes. I ignore her. She leaves, and I see her peeking around a corner at me several times. After a few minutes a policeman comes up to me.)

    Policeman: “Can we take your name and address, sir?”

    Me: “Okay, it’s [Address]. What’s up?”

    Policeman: “We had a report that a gentleman matching your description was disrupting business here. Would you mind leaving?”

    Me: “I just need to pay for my products.”

    (At this point an assistant comes over and vouches for me. The police talk with the assistant. Suddenly the old lady comes barreling back.)

    Old Lady: “Men should not be allowed to sew! If you were one of mine, I’d take you across my knee! This is pure sexism!” *she then slaps me* “There! Now learn your lesson and stop your evil ways.”

    Policeman: *right behind her* “Ahem. Madam, would you mind stepping into the car?”

    That Benefit Went Straight Down The Faucet

    | Rio Rancho, NM, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    (I work at a home improvement store. A customer has picked out a faucet.)

    Me: “Great! We have that exact one in stock. While I set up this order, I will have someone go get it from the warehouse for you!”

    Customer: “That’s perfect! What do I owe?”

    Me: “$103.00. That can be cash, check, or card.”

    Customer: *hands me a card*

    Me: “Uhm. This is a EBT card.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know.”

    Me: “Uhm, food stamps only work on food and necessities. Did you mean to give me a credit or debit?”

    Customer: “No, just charge the card I gave you.”

    Me: “Uhm, ma’am, I cannot do that. This is a state issued EBT card. It’s not meant to be used for household fixtures, just food and some basic supplies. My computer won’t even accept it if I did enter the information.”

    Customer: “I want it charged to that card! That is why I gave you that card!”

    Me: “I understand that; however, that is not how these cards work.”

    Customer: “Well, why not?”

    Me: “Because the state issues them for families who cannot afford food, water, formula, or other needs. But it has to be for a need that is basic to supporting life, not things like faucets or even clothes.”

    Customer: “But I NEED a new faucet.”

    Me: “Well, if you are renting, the owner of the property should be the own who replaces it. If you own your residence, I can ring this up with cash, check, or a bank issued card.”

    Customer: “Just swipe the card I gave you!”

    Me: “This is a state issued food stamp card. I cannot.”

    Customer: “This is discrimination because you think I am poor!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I do not judge based on how much money a customer happens to have. However, I can refuse forms of payment that either do not work, will not work, or are illegal to attempt to use.”

    Customer: “Illegal? Now you don’t think I am American!”

    Me: “What? I said forms of payment that are illegal to use.”

    Customer: “You are calling me an illegal!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. Nor can I sell you this with the payment you offered me. You can either give me a legal, bank issued form of payment or not buy from this store.”

    Customer: “How dare you!” *flounces out*

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