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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Bagged Himself A Steal

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as a cart attendant at a popular retail store. It is a rather slow day and my coworker and I are getting ready to go get more carts when I hear our undercover security guard yelling.)

    Undercover Guard: “[Security Guard], stop this guy! He stole an iPod!”

    (The security guard heads the guy off at the front but the shoplifter pulls a knife.)

    Shoplifter: “Let me by or I’ll cut the s*** out of you!”

    (Due to company policy, the security guard has to let him pass due to safety reasons. The shoplifter tries to run out the entrance while a rather elderly looking man is entering. The elderly man then proceeds to clothesline the thief, jump on top of him, punch him in the face, and disarm him. The elderly man stands up.)

    Elderly Man: “I got him!”

    (All four of us are astonished at what has just happened. As the security guard hauls the shoplifter into the security office to await the police my fellow cart attendant and I start talking to the old man.)

    Coworker: “That was the coolest thing I’ve seen all year!”

    Me: “Yeah, where did you learn to do that!?”

    Elderly Man: “Oh, that was nothing! I learned how to do that from my DI in basic years ago!”

    (It turns out he was a Marine veteran who fought through WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam! Needless to say the man was made an honorary employee and given the employee discount for life!)

    In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

    | Bronx, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Language & Words

    (The phone rings.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

    (She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

    Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

    Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

    Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

    (He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD cop.)

    Cop: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

    Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

    Cop: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

    (The cashier explains. The cop orders a slice of pizza and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

    Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

    Cop: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

    (They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

    Customer: “Problem solved?”

    Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

    Cop: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

    Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

    Cop: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

    Vacation Crime

    | ME, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work for a computer repair shop which gets a lot of work orders from a big company because we’re nearby and are known for how fast we repair units. We also use receipts for orders that are being picked up by others.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m here to pick up a computer for [Supervisor].”

    Me: “Do you have the repair receipt for their computer?”

    Customer: “No, just use my ID.” *shows me work ID*

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, I’m not allowed to give you any computer without a receipt due to security reasons.”

    Customer: *suddenly very angry* “Look! I’m an executive at [Big Company]. I can pick up as many computer orders as I want! Just shut up and do your **** job and give me [Supervisor]‘s computer!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. But regardless of who you are, I cannot give you any computer without a receipt.”

    (The door jingle goes off, meaning another customer has come into the shop.)

    Customer: “That’s it! I’m gonna have your a** fired, you incompetent f***! I’ve never been treated so rudely!”

    Me: “Well, I hate to repeat myself but again, we’re not allo—”.”

    (At this point I notice a police officer and security guard from [Big Company] standing behind the man.)

    Customer: *practically yelling at this point* “What?! Not allowed to give me [Supervisor]‘s computer?! Well, I’ll –”

    Police Officer: “Mr. [Customer]. You’re under arrest for attempted robbery.”

    (The customer turns around to see the two men, and makes a break for the door only to be tackled in seconds and taken away by the police officer.)

    Security Guard: “Can you believe that guy? He quit and threatened to steal [Supervisor]‘s computer all because he didn’t get the vacation time he wanted.”

    Don’t Do The Crime If You Can’t Tell The Time

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Money

    (My store has a grocery section, including an aisle of wine and beer. Since, in my state, alcohol cannot be sold before noon on Sundays, during that time the aisle is roped off. A customer comes up to my till at 10 on a Sunday, carrying bottles of wine.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I won’t be able to sell these to you before noon.”

    Customer: “What?! Why?”

    Me: “It’s state law. Alcohol can’t be sold before noon on Sundays.”

    Customer: “But I have to have these for a lunch party! It’s starting soon, and I said I’d bring the wine!”

    Me: “Again, I’m sorry, but I can’t sell these now. It’s illegal and my register will reject it if I try to ring it up.”

    Customer: “Don’t you understand? I NEED THESE. I will look like a FOOL if I show up at the party without any wine.”

    Me: “That’s… not really something I’m able to help with. I can’t break the law for that.”

    Customer: “What law? I just want you to sell me wine!”

    Me: “Texas state law forbids the sale of alcohol before noon on a Sunday. If you’d like, you can come back after noon and buy the wine then.”

    Customer: *suddenly calm* “Fine. I’ll come back later and pay for these then.”

    (She then picks up the bottles and starts walking towards the door with them. I call security.)

    Security: “Ma’am, you can’t take those without having paid for them.”

    Customer: “But she won’t let me pay for them!”

    Security: “Alcohol can’t be sold before noon. That doesn’t mean you get to walk out with it.”

    Customer: “But I was going to come back and pay for it later!”

    One Brick Shy Of A Load

    | USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    (I work for a firearm retailer. We put out an ad every month stating our monthly sales. It always states ‘while supplies last.’ A ‘brick’ is 500 rounds of ammo. A well dressed older gentleman walks up to counter.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like to buy a brick of 22.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We sold out earlier today.”

    (The customer pulls out the ad, slams it on the counter and points to the bricks of 22.)

    Customer: “And then what is this?”

    Me: “It’s an ad for 22, but everything is ‘while supplies last.’”

    Customer: “Do you understand the law of ‘false advertising?’”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well, [My Name], you will be hearing from my lawyer!” *smirks and briskly walks away*

    Manager: “Third threat of legal action this month; we’re on a roll.”

    (A lawyer actually called the next day and mentioned me specifically. He stated that he was only calling because his client paid him to ‘look into it.’ Nothing, of course, happened.)

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