November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Criminal/Illegal

Needs To Park That Attitude

| MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(I work as a cart attendant. My store has a strip of red paired curb that is a fire lane in which no parking is allowed. I see a customer parked in this area.)

Me: “Sir, I’m very sorry but you can’t park here as this is a fire lane.”

Customer: “I’m not parked. I’m waiting for my wife to come out. I’m still in the car.”

Me: “Sir, even if you are still in the car, the car is not moving and is therefore parked.”

Customer: “The car is not parked! I’m still in it! So f*** off!”

Me: “Sir, what gear is your car in right now?”

Customer: “It’s in park, you moron!”

Me: “Then in that case the car is considered parked. Please move away from the fire lane or I will have your car towed.”

(The fuming customer finally moved, glaring at me as he did so.)

This Is Not A Drill

| Grand Island, NE, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

(I’m at the service desk, finishing a battery replacement for a regular customer’s hearing aids. We’re having our normal chit chat; he loves talking about his grandkids. A woman enters, comes to the desk, and starts complaining immediately.)

Woman: “I don’t have this kind of time! Why are you doing his job? I need service.”

Me: “We always offer battery replacement.” *as I say this, I finish the replacements* “Okay, sir, you’re good to go! I’ll let [Cashier] know you’ve paid already. Have a nice night.”

Man: “Thank you. You get everything done so nicely.” *he heads out*

Woman: “Finally! My drill is broken. I want my replacement.”

Me: “Okay, let me see the drill and we can go from there.”

(She slams a drill from another chain onto the desk; it has a smashed battery pack.)

Woman: “There! It’s broken.”

Me: “This drill isn’t from here, and—”

Woman: “F****** liar! I want your manager!”

Me: *sees manager walking over due to her fuss* “Sure. Hey, [Manager], this customer wants to speak to you.”

Woman: “This b**** won’t replace my drill! I can’t use that one to hammer nails into concrete now.”

Manager: “Say what?”

Woman: “I need to hammer nails into my basement walls. This drill broke. How is that hard to understand? Give me my replacement!”

Manager: “First, that’s not a drill we sell. Second, our replacement guarantee only applies when the tool is used properly. It’s not a hammer, so it’s broken from misuse. Even if it was ours, we wouldn’t process a replacement.”

Woman: “How the f*** am I supposed to know I can’t use this as a hammer?! I’ll go get my own free replacement!”

Manager: “Okay. I’ll call the police.”

Woman: “F*** you! I ain’t violating my parole for you!” *she storms out*

Cashier: *over radio* “Um. Did that really just happen?”

(Two hours later, she returns with a drill now spray painted yellow. The cashier immediately gets the manager.)

Woman: “See! This is your drill! Give me my f****** replacement, you c***!” *slams drill and paint covered hand on counter*

Manager: “It still says [Brand] and the paint is coming off on your hand. Leave now; you’re now prohibited from coming in.”

Woman: “You can’t prove who I am.”

Manager: “Cameras are above you. Your fingerprints are on the counter. You have unique tattoos. You’re on parole. Pretty sure we can track you.”

(Customer ran out, and hasn’t returned.)

Not Quite The Speedy Resolution

| Lincoln, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(I work for a non-emergency hotline for the local police department. I take calls from the public that don’t need emergency services and, as a result, talk to a lot of people who aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the box.)

Caller: “I want to make a report of a crime.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, can you tell me what happened?”

Caller: “I was driving on the interstate yesterday, and I saw four motorcycles speeding.”

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “I have their plate numbers too. They are…” *gives numbers*

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “Well? Aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you want me to do with this?”

Caller: “Something! They broke the law and they should be punished.”

Me: “Ma’am, they might have broken the law, but unless an officer actually saw them doing it… then we have no proof. We can’t go around arresting people without proof.”

Caller: “But I SAW them!”

Me: “But you are not a member of the police force. We can’t arrest someone based solely on your witness statement. There has to be some other form of evidence.”

Caller: “Plenty of other people saw them, too!”

Me: “But none of them have called us. Even if they did, we still wouldn’t pursue those bikers just based on eyewitness statements. We would let the officer present make that call.”

Caller: “What do you expect me to do? I was DRIVING! I wasn’t going to risk MY life by trying to take a video! Those men are going to kill someone someday!”

Me: “It’s very good you didn’t take video while driving, but there’s nothing you can do. The police didn’t see it happen, so on our end nothing did happen.”

Caller: “I gave you their plate numbers. I want you to look up their addresses and write them very strongly worded letters so they understand that what they did was wrong.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m not going to do that.”


(She continues to rant about how useless the department is and how she won’t stand for her money being wasted like this. I am now really annoyed, and trying not to tell the woman how she is the one wasting our time and money.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ve found something I can do for you. I will pass your message on to someone else.”

Caller: “FINALLY! I hope you’re happy that you’ve wasted so much of my time with this!”

Me: “Not at all, ma’am, but I do wish you a good rest of your day. Drive safely. ”

(After hanging up, I turn to the dispatcher sitting next to me.)

Me: “Hey.”

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “The lady I just talked to, she saw some bikers speeding on the interstate. I told her I’d tell someone about it. There you go.”

Weeding Out The Irresponsible Users

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

(I am working the closing shift one evening, with my only other company being my boss, the head pharmacist. A man comes in to pick up a fairly mundane prescription.)

Me: “Before I ring this up, do you have any questions for the pharmacist?”

Customer: “Yeah, will this have any interactions with marijuana?”

Me: *looking to the pharmacist* “Um…”

(My boss comes over to the registers and makes a show of looking through the printed information pamphlet that comes with every prescription.)

Pharmacist: “I don’t believe so…”

Customer: *picking up on our unease* “Oh, don’t worry. I don’t go out on the road or anything when I get high. I just stay home until my trip ends.”

(He then paid his bill and left.)

Me: *to pharmacist* “…Well, at least he’s being responsible about it.”

Not Sue-table

| Cayman Islands | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

(My company lists our toll free number on all the domains we are selling; hence, we get a lot of confused calls. Our reception teams mostly take care of that problem. However, sometimes few will slip through the crack and get a hold of me.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]; how can I assist you?”

Caller #1: “What is your fax number?”

Me: “What domain is this related to sir?”

Caller #1: “Are you going to give me your fax or not? Or should I just see you in court?”

Me: *pause* “Here is my fax number.” *gives it* “What is this regarding to?”

Caller #1: “We are suing you for infringement and stealing our website.”

Me: “We are a brokerage firm. We don’t own anything or would need to steal. We represent clients who owns domains.”

Caller #1: “Yeah. Whatever.”

(He hangs up. Ten minutes later I receive a fax. He claims we stole his website and is running it under his name. I call back from the number shown in the fax.)

Me: “This is [My Name] from [Company]. I have received a fax from a gentlemen from your company. I realize the domain mentioned in the letter is owned by your own company.”

Caller #2: “Yes. That was [Caller #1]. He has left the office. I am the director of the company. Are you going to stop stealing our website or do we need to see you in court?”

Me: “Sir, after reading the fax, the website name is owned by you and is redirected to your company. Effectively, you are trying to sue yourself.”

(I can hear a lot of typing in the background.)

Caller #2: “Oh! I guess our tech team must have bought this without us knowing.” *long pause* “I am sorry; we should have looked into it.”

Me: “I think I just saved you a whole lot of lawyer cost and embarrassment.”

Caller #2: “Yeah, [Caller #1] is an idiot sometimes. Thank you again.”

(I passed that fax around the office, and now it’s pinned on the fridge in our company kitchen.)