• Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    A Smashing Deal

    | CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer walks in and asks to trade her ‘Ultimate Captain America’ collectible for the limited Edition, $700 Hulk collectible.)

    Me: “Hello and welcome to Toy Trades. Is there anything you need help with?”

    Customer: “I brought a collectible Captain America. I want to trade it for the Hulk.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll go grab the Hulk. ”

    (I go grab the Hulk and pass my co-worker, who says that she must have an expensive collectible.)

    Me: “Here it is.”

    Customer: “Oh, thanks! Here is my Captain America. Um, lemme take that…”

    Me: “Wait! By policy I need to look at your collectible.”

    Customer: “You don’t have to look at it… Consider it like a gift.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need to look at your collectible first.”

    (She grabs the Hulk and tries to run but another customer grabs her.)


    (She throws a toy Captain America that has a Fast Food Restaurant label on it. Being the empathetic person I am, I grab a Hulk eraser and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am!”

    His Assumption Is Not On The Money

    | West Allis, WI, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    (I’m a legal secretary at a law firm, and I answer a call.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [Law Firm]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. You guys handle bankruptcies, right?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Caller: “Oh good. So, I think I need to file bankruptcy…”

    (The caller explains his financial situation.)

    Me: “Okay, I can go ahead and schedule an appointment with an attorney for a free consultation if you’d like.”

    Caller: “Yes, let’s do that. I just have a question, though. What would the cost be?”

    Me: “It would be [attorney’s fee] plus costs.”

    Caller: “And I pay that after it’s all finished, right? I don’t pay anything up front?”

    Me: “Actually, you have to pay one-third of the fee up front.”

    Caller: “What! But I just explained that I have no money! That’s the whole point! Why do I have to pay up front?”

    Me: “Well, because if we allowed that, then clients would just cut and run once the bankruptcy is concluded, and we end up paying the cost of the case ourselves. It’s happened too many times before. It’s just our policy now.”

    Caller: *trying to sound sweet* “It’s such a shame that a few bad apples have ruined the process for everyone else.”

    Me: “Yes, it really is.”

    (Long pause.)

    Caller: “So, can I pay after the bankruptcy is concluded?”

    Me: “… No.”

    Caller: “D*** it! What’s the point?!” *hangs up*

    Trying To Clean Up His Act

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    Coworker: “We had another shoplifter yesterday. Another one of our regular customers that we always look after.”

    Me: “Really? Who?”

    Coworker: “This guy who brings a bike in.”

    Me: “Oh, I saw him as I was leaving yesterday. Had a funny feeling about him.”

    Coworker: “Yes. He shopped for about half an hour while I stayed at the counter and kept an eye on his bike. He then came up to ask if we had soap making kits. I told him no but when he bent down to pick up the bag he left by his bike I saw a package with a pair of scissors in it, stuffed down his pants.”

    Me: “Down his pants?”

    Coworker: “Yes, the back of his pants. I told him he needed to pay for them so he pulled them out and threw them on the counter. But when he turned I noticed another item down his pants so I asked for that as well and he pulled that out. Then I noticed he had something in his pocket so I asked him what that was. He claimed it was something of his. I told him to show me and he pulled out more of our stock and threw it on the counter.”

    Me: “I knew I had a strange feeling about him.”

    Coworker: “Yes, and I was doing him a favour by watching his bike. I have no idea what else he bought. I watched him leave and saw him go in the fishing shop, so I raced up to warn them. They warned other shops as well. Each made sure he was followed in the store.”

    Me: “Hopefully he won’t come back.”

    Coworker: “Me, too, but the weirdest part was not long after there was a phone call. It was his voice asking if we had soap making kits.”

    Wallet Walkabout

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    (I work in a store with four departments, each with their own checkout counter. A woman approaches my counter and asks to make a payment on a layby. I ask if there is anything else she needs. I have a funny feeling about her.)

    Customer: “No, just this. I’ll be leaving now.”

    (I watch her leave, then get to a point and turn into a tight aisle of fabric which is better accessed from the other side. I walk up to her.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: *eyes wide with shock* “I, umm, oh, I don’t know what it is… I haven’t touched it.” *quickly leaves*

    (I look down to find a ladies wallet in the rolls of fabric. I take it to my counter and page for the owner a couple of times. I then get stuck serving customers for 10 minutes before I take it over to the office. I pass by the fabric counter as I do.)

    Me: *to a coworker* “Is there anyone in the office? I have found a wallet.”

    Coworker: “Where did you find that? We’ve been looking for it. I was serving a customer who put it on the counter, went to pay, and it was gone.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Coworker: “Yes, and the woman who was behind her in the line left suddenly as we noticed. We both asked where she was going and I stopped her to ask if she had seen the wallet. She told me no. Then I watched as she went around the back of your department and you served her. I just figured she had forgotten something.”

    Me: “I had a funny feeling so followed her. She pretty much led me to where the wallet was hidden. *takes coworker to the spot*

    Coworker: “This is right where I stopped her. She must have thrown it into the fabric, the b****!”

    (We had no real proof but the woman was lucky that we didn’t report it as her layby contained her name and address. The other customer was so happy to have the wallet returned intact!)

    Colorful Employees

    , | IL, USA | Bigotry, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I am the guest relations person, so I return calls from disgruntled customers all the time. The restaurants are fast food and all have drive thrus.)

    Customer: “Did you know you have gang members hanging around your [Location] restaurant?!”

    Me: “No, sir, I did not. Have you spoken with the manager of the establishment about this?”

    Customer: “I did and he laughed me off!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry about that, sir. We ask that our manager’s take guest concerns seriously. Where are you witnessing gang members around the facility?”

    Customer: “He should be able to see them. They are hanging out in your driveway there, all wearing the same clothes ALL THE TIME!”

    Me: “How are they dressed?”

    Customer: “They are wearing black shirts, khakis, and hats! They are always there until you guys close!”

    Me: “Sir, you are describing our drive thru staff. They are wearing our uniform and stationed outside to take orders.”

    Customer: “But they’re all black and Mexican!”

    Me: “We are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate who we hire.”

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I want to talk to your manager!”

    Me: “Sir, you can talk to my manager if you’d like but you are describing our staff. They are not a gang and there would be nothing she would be able to do about it.”


    (My manager explained the same thing I did and the customer screamed so loudly we hung up.)

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