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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Assault And Battery Included

    | OK, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am working retail at a catalog showroom. A customer approaches me with a box for a board game. Being a catalog showroom, the box is for display only, and we have to pull one from the warehouse in the back.)

    Customer: “I need this game for my kid.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll ring it up and get you one from the back. This is just a display box, and it’s empty.”

    Customer: “I want this one.”

    Me: “You want an empty box?”

    Customer: “No, I want this game.”

    (I just start ringing him up, while trying to smile. I then find out we are out of stock.)

    Me: “Sir, unfortunately, this game is out of stock. We should have it back on Tuesday with our next truck delivery.”

    Customer: “But it was on display.”

    Me: “Sir, I understand, but I can’t sell you an empty box. If you’d like, I can check one of our other stores in the area.”

    Customer: “F*** it!”

    (He slams the box down on my hand, which is on top of some open—and sharp—ring binders. All four fingers get slammed into the rings, and start bleeding at the knuckles profusely. The customer leaves, and then I leave the register. My manager comes up to me in the back.)

    Manager: “You handled that a lot better than I would have.”

    (I get the rest of the day off, and decide to do some shopping in the mall. I spot my angry customer at the food court. I go up to the local security, and let him know what had transpired at the store. The security guard goes over to the customer, and has a discussion with him. I just sit at another table, watching the free entertainment as the customer starts to shake like a leaf, as my security friend explains what assault and battery is.)

    Drinking Shooters All Night Long

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m in line at a local liquor store. The customer in front of me has clearly had too much to drink already, and is slurring his words when he speaks. The cashier is a smaller gentleman with long hair, who doesn’t look much older than 20.)

    Cashier: “Good afternoon, sir. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I’ll tell you what you can help me with; you can give me all the money you got up in this b****!”

    (The man proceeds to pull a gun out of his coat, which then falls to the ground. He stumbles after it, and points it towards the cashier, who hasn’t moved or said anything at this point.)

    Cashier: “Sir, please put the gun away.”

    Customer: “Not until you give me all your f****** money, you dumb-a** b****!”

    (At this point, I’m ducking behind one of the displays but can still see what is going on. Suddenly, the cashier reaches over the counter, presses the clip release on the gun, and takes the clip out. The inebriated customer looks shocked.)

    Cashier: “Sir, I’ve just recently returned from my tour in Afghanistan. I can tell that one, you have the safety on, two, this is an airsoft gun that you painted to look like a real gun, and three, you’re clearly far too drunk to fight back if I were to defend myself. So please, do yourself a favour; leave this store before I alert the authorities.”

    (The inebriated man looks down at his gun, back up to the cashier, and then drops the gun and runs out of the store before stumbling and passing out just outside. The other customers and I are laughing at this point.)

    Cashier: “Anybody want a free airsoft gun?”

    A Wally With A Wallet

    | MD, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Our area has recently been hit with a bunch of fraudulent credit cards. We’ve been advised to double check IDs and cards. My coworker is checking out a customer and asks to see his ID.)

    Customer: “What do you need to see my ID for?”

    Coworker: “We’ve been advised to check all IDs. Besides the back of your card says to check ID anyway, so…”

    Customer: “Well, I’m telling you I am not showing you my identity! This is ridiculous! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “That would be me, sir. You’ll either have to show identification, or use another form of payment.”

    Customer: “Fine! Here!”

    (He tosses his entire wallet at me. I glance at the ID, which is out of state. The man in the picture is very obviously not the man in front of me. Furthermore, the card is in a woman’s name. I slide the ID to the side and notice that another ID is underneath; this ID is to another person! My coworker has noticed this, too. He ducks around the bend, and I hear him calling the police. I pretend to run the card through and have ‘technical problems’, stalling him long enough for the cops to get to our store. When they search him, they find another wallet on him with various cards. He’d been using stolen cards all day without anyone checking them!)

    Global Positioning Showers

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

    Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

    Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

    Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

    Me: “Cool, good to know.”

    (Several minutes pass.)

    Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

    Me: “That’s a new one.”

    Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

    The Wait Time Was Criminal

    | Chattanooga, TN, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (My husband calls a diner ahead for two Philly sandwiches. When we pull up, we see the waitress and the cook waiting outside while one person is eating at the counter.)

    Cook: “Are you [last name]?”

    Husband: “Yes?”

    Cook: “I’m sorry, but there’s been… an issue with your order.”

    Husband: “What’s going on?”

    Cook: “We’re waiting for the cops. You see, I was in the middle of making your order. That gentleman in there came in, grabbed your food off the grill, and sat down to eat. We think he might be armed. We’ve locked him inside, and we’re waiting for the cops.”

    (My husband is speechless.)

    Cook: “I’ll also have to remake your order if you still want it.”

    Husband: “It’s okay. We’ll wait.”

    (We are there for over an hour. The cops show up rather shortly. They arrest the man, and take all available evidence. The cook and waitress have to clean everything before they can make my husband’s order. We are given half off for our wait!)


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