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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    The Joke Is On (And In) Him

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in a party and joke item store. Our policy for backpacks is you have to leave them at the front door, no matter what. I stop three kids as they enter.)

    Me: “Excuse me, you have to leave your backpack at the front by the door.”

    (Two of the kids put their bags up front. The third pretends he didn’t hear me.)

    Me: “You have to put your backpack up front.”

    Kid: “What? Why? Someone’s going to steal it if I leave it up front.”

    Me: “I doubt anyone will want your backpack, but if it bothers you that much, write your name on a slip of paper and I’ll attach it to the bag.”

    Kid: “F*** no. I’m not going to steal anything. You a**holes always think I’m going to steal something.”

    Me: “The policy is that you put your bag up front. No one is immune to that policy. I don’t care if you’re an elderly man with a bag of candy; you still put it up front.”

    Kid: “Man…”

    (The kid gets annoyed and drops his bag at the door, and then stomps off after his friends. Thirty minutes later, he comes back.)

    Kid: “See? I didn’t steal s***!”

    (As soon as the kid picks his bag up, a plastic knife drops from his pants pocket, along with a pirate’s gold tooth, and a rubber mask slides halfway from under his shirt.)

    The Real Government Would Take Your Money

    | AL, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a federal airport operations center, answering the phones.)

    Me: “This is the TSA Coordination Center for [Airport]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “This is the federal government calling to tell you that you’ve won a $5000 dollar grant.”

    Me: “The federal government?”

    Caller: “Yes, you’ve won a $5000 dollar grant!”

    Me: “This is the TSA coordination center; a government operated center. Who is this? What’s a good call-back number?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    (The phone line for the next number in sequence starts ringing. Guess who it was?)

    Common Sense Bounces Off His Head

    | Rotherham, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal

    (There have been a number of armed robberies in the surrounding area of betting shops, convenience stores and post offices. We are all pretty on edge when a customer comes in the store wearing a motorbike helmet.)

    Me: “Excuse me, could you remove your helmet please?”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “Could you remove your helmet, please? You’re not supposed to come in the shop with it on.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous; why should I have to take it off?”

    Me: “I’m not serving you while you have it on. Please remove it.”

    Customer: “If a [racial slur] came in here with their face covered, you wouldn’t ask them to remove it.”

    Me: “Seeing as that isn’t even relevant in this matter, I’ll ignore what you just said. However I will not serve you while you are wearing that helmet. There have been countless armed robberies in the area, so do you really think I feel safe with you walking in like that? Just be glad I haven’t already pressed the panic button.”

    Customer: *shuts up and removes helmet*

    Tearing A Rent In The Truth

    | Charlotte, NC, USACharlotte, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (Rent is due on the 1st of each month, and late after the 5th. After the 5th, a late fee applies. Today is the 6th.)

    Tenant: “Here’s my rent. I was going to drop my money order in the drop slot last night but I got tied up late at work and was too tired to drive over. I’m sorry. Can you waive the late fee?”

    Me: “Well, let me see. Hmm, the date the money order was printed on was today, the 6th. So you just lied to my face.”

    Tenant: *completely unashamed* “Ha ha. Well… yeah. You know.”

    Me: “No, I don’t know.” *hands back rent* “Please come back when you have the additional late fee.”

    Tenant: “That’s just wrong! It’s only a day!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. It’s the lying that’s wrong here.”

    Tenant: *slams door and leaves in indignant huff* “I’m going to call your boss and have you fired. Oooh, and you’re racist!”

    Learning The Hard Way

    | AZ, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

    (I am a parking garage attendant. We have a separate entrance for our parking permit holders. There is a large sign which says ‘Permit Entrance’ above it. I check people’s permits as they go in. A driver speeds into the permit entrance, screeching tires and all.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t let you in here.”

    Driver: “Why not?”

    Me: “In order to come in this entrance, you need to have your permit displayed on your rear view.”

    Driver: “Are you stupid? There’s no hole in my permit! How could I put it on the rear view?”

    Me: “That’s odd. All the permits we hand out have a hole in them so they can be hung from the rearview. May I see your permit please?”

    (She pulls out a learner’s permit from the DMV and hands it to me.)

    Driver: “See? That’s my permit. No hole, idiot.”

    Me: “…that’s a learner’s permit. I need to see a parking permit.”

    Driver: “Parking permit?! I don’t have one of those! Just let me in already! Don’t you know who I am?”

    Me: “I have no idea who you are. What I do know is that first of all, you’re trying to get in here without a parking permit, which I can’t let you do. Second of all, you’re driving alone on a learner’s permit, which is against the law. So you have, oh, five seconds to scram before I call the cops.”

    (She speeds off as I write down her plate number. I call the police. Later, I hear that she was cited for multiple violations, one of which was, naturally, driving alone with a learner’s permit.)

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