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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Thoughts Suspended

    | CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Top

    (I am in a reserve officer training class at a sheriff’s academy. Enrollment in this class is done through a community college, not the Sheriff’s department. When it is time to do the firearms instruction, you have two choices: you can use your own firearm if it was one of the authorized service pistols, or you can borrow one from the academy. If you borrow one, you need a driver’s license for proof of identity in case something happens to the firearm.)

    Student: “Well, I don’t have my license.”

    Deputy #1: “Then we can’t loan you the pistol.”

    Student: “But I need to do this range stuff to graduate, right?”

    Deputy #1: “Yes. That is why we tell people to bring their license if they need to borrow a firearm. We cannot lend you one without it.”

    Student: “I can’t bring one in. I don’t have a license right now.”

    Deputy #2: “What? I saw you drive up here. What do you mean you don’t have a license now?”

    Student: “Well, it was suspended.”

    Deputy Sergeant: “Did you just tell us you are driving on a suspended license?”

    Student: “Yeah. It sucks.”

    (Deputy #1 and #2 share a look.)

    Deputy Sergeant: “So which car is yours?”

    (The student points it out.)

    Deputy Sergeant: “And you drove that here on a suspended license?”

    Student: “Yeah. Like I said, it sucks.”

    Deputy Sergeant: “Okay, well, let me see what I can do.”

    (The deputy sergeant goes to the office, and comes back about 15 minutes later.)

    Deputy Sergeant: “When you found out that your license was suspended, did they also inform you that it was for a failure to appear on your drunk driving case and that there was a warrant for your arrest?”

    Student: “Uh, let me think… Yeah. There was something like that in the letter.”

    Deputy Sergeant: “Well, that warrant is why you are under arrest.”

    Student: “What!?”

    (The rest of the class was amazed at the idiocy that this guy displayed. His mom came by later to get the car. She was not pleased with her son, and she had no idea he even had a drunk driving incident!)

    Hoping To Bend The Law

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    Me: “Good morning. [Law Firm].”

    Caller: “I was wondering if [Lawyer] could give me some advice on getting alimony after my divorce.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. [Lawyer] does not offer free legal advice. Her hourly rate is [rate], and I can schedule you a meeting for [set price].”

    Caller: “I’m not really looking to pay. Can you give me advice?”

    Me: “I am not a lawyer, thus am not qualified to give legal advice. I would hate to steer you wrong.”

    Caller: “Well, what if I told you what I wanted to know, you asked [Lawyer], took notes, and then you called me back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I will not do that.”

    Caller: “This is very poor customer service!” *hangs up*

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 9

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Underaged

    (It’s the weekend after the release of ‘Grand Theft Auto V,’ and demand for it is high. It’s my first call of the day, and quickly I realise it’s an under-18 boy trying to place an order.)

    Me: “Good Evening. [Company]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Underage Customer: *squeaking* “Hi there. I’m wondering if it’s possible to order Grand Theft Auto V, please.”

    Me: *smiling* “Absolutely. However, I’m required to warn you that an adult over the age of 18 must be present to sign for the delivery of the item, and that adult will be told exactly what’s being delivered before they sign for it. Is that okay?”

    Underage Customer: *still squeaking* “F****** d***! F***!” *click*

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 8
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 7
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 6
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    His Excuse Is A Total Cop Out

    | SC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

    (I work for security in a very rural hospital and am dealing with a very unruly patient who isn’t allowed to leave due to medication he has taken.)

    Me: “Sir, I just want to make you aware that because of the medications you have taken, for your safety, I need you to go back inside and call a ride to pick you up.”

    Patient: “F*** you! I’m an adult! I’ll do what i want!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand that you don’t feel well, and I’m trying to be nice to you. So, will you please return to the ER?”

    Patient: “F*** YOU!”

    (I notify my partner of the incident and the police are called to deal with the individual. As we await the police, the patient comes back to the ER lobby and confronts the very outspoken desk clerk who has no idea what is going on.)

    Patient: “WHO SENT THAT RENT-A-COP OUTSIDE TO WATCH ME LIKE A CHILD?!”

    Desk Clerk: “Can I help you?”

    Patient: “I want to speak to the rent-a-cop who followed me to my vehicle to watch me like I’m some three-year-old! I’ll have him know that I’m very good friends with the owner of his company and I’ve been a security guard for over 10 years!”

    Desk Clerk: “Well, sir, wouldn’t that make you a rent-a-cop, too?”

    Patient: “That’s not the same!”

    (As the patient is leaving, he has one more question.)

    Patient: “Hey, man. I would like to apologize for the behavior. It was the meds talking. But I do have a question.”

    Me: “What’s that?”

    Patient: “Are y’all hiring?”

    Couldn’t Really Blame Him For Frying

    | NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I’m at a public pool that has pretty lenient employees at the “Snack Shack.” It should be noted that at the Shack, the customer pays BEFORE receiving their food.)

    Employee: “Fries are ready!”

    Little Boy: “My dad ordered those.” *takes fries and runs away*

    (A few minutes later…)

    Man: “Hi, I ordered my fries a while ago. Are they ready yet?”

    Employee: “Uh, yeah. Your son just came by and already took them.”

    Man: “What? I don’t have a son…”

    Employee: *widens eyes* “Wait… What? That little lucky punk! He stole— argh. Sorry, I’ll get you your fries. Ugh…”

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