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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Putting The Scent Into Ascents

    , | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (The x-ray operator sends me to search for an oversized liquid in a passenger’s carry on. She does the search required and finds an unopened bottle of 185 ml perfume.)

    Coworker: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this liquid is over the size limit and cannot go past this point.”

    Passenger: “That is not a liquid.”

    Coworker: “What is it, then?”

    Passenger: “It’s a scent.”

    All Smoke Where There Is No Fire

    | Madison, WI, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I volunteer as an EMT. This was one of the first calls I respond to.)

    Caller: “Please help! I can’t breathe!”

    Operator: “Yes, ma’am. Are you having an asthma attack?”

    Caller: “No, but I am about to! Those neighbors are frying chicken and the smoke is really bothering me! I can’t breathe! Please help!”

    Operator: “Okay, please go outside to get some air. We will dispatch an EMT crew to you.”

    (When we arrive, we discover the caller on her deck with a LIT CIGARETTE in her mouth, pacing back and forth.)

    Caller: “Finally! Someone to help me! I can’t breathe because of the horrible chicken smoke!”

    (The caller was taken to the ER for a check-up but, she was fine. Later I was told that she does this little trick often because she gets bored just sitting at home.)

    Will Try To Tag Themselves In Jail

    | TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top, Transportation

    (I stop a young, 20-something woman for using her cell while driving in an active school zone.)

    Me: “I stopped you, ma’am, for using your phone while driving in a school zone, which is against the law.”

    Driver: “I am not calling anyone or texting, so I am not using my phone. I was updating my Facebook status!”

    (After citing her, we both pull away from the curb. I then witness her using her cell AGAIN, so I stop her once more.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I have already explained and cited you for the very same reason I am pulling you over the second time. I do not want to have to arrest you, so please do not use your phone while driving again.”

    Driver: “One more time, officer, I am NOT calling or texting! I am uploading a picture of my citation to Pinterest!”

    Thoughts Suspended

    | CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Top

    (I am in a reserve officer training class at a sheriff’s academy. Enrollment in this class is done through a community college, not the Sheriff’s department. When it is time to do the firearms instruction, you have two choices: you can use your own firearm if it was one of the authorized service pistols, or you can borrow one from the academy. If you borrow one, you need a driver’s license for proof of identity in case something happens to the firearm.)

    Student: “Well, I don’t have my license.”

    Deputy #1: “Then we can’t loan you the pistol.”

    Student: “But I need to do this range stuff to graduate, right?”

    Deputy #1: “Yes. That is why we tell people to bring their license if they need to borrow a firearm. We cannot lend you one without it.”

    Student: “I can’t bring one in. I don’t have a license right now.”

    Deputy #2: “What? I saw you drive up here. What do you mean you don’t have a license now?”

    Student: “Well, it was suspended.”

    Deputy Sergeant: “Did you just tell us you are driving on a suspended license?”

    Student: “Yeah. It sucks.”

    (Deputy #1 and #2 share a look.)

    Deputy Sergeant: “So which car is yours?”

    (The student points it out.)

    Deputy Sergeant: “And you drove that here on a suspended license?”

    Student: “Yeah. Like I said, it sucks.”

    Deputy Sergeant: “Okay, well, let me see what I can do.”

    (The deputy sergeant goes to the office, and comes back about 15 minutes later.)

    Deputy Sergeant: “When you found out that your license was suspended, did they also inform you that it was for a failure to appear on your drunk driving case and that there was a warrant for your arrest?”

    Student: “Uh, let me think… Yeah. There was something like that in the letter.”

    Deputy Sergeant: “Well, that warrant is why you are under arrest.”

    Student: “What!?”

    (The rest of the class was amazed at the idiocy that this guy displayed. His mom came by later to get the car. She was not pleased with her son, and she had no idea he even had a drunk driving incident!)

    Hoping To Bend The Law

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    Me: “Good morning. [Law Firm].”

    Caller: “I was wondering if [Lawyer] could give me some advice on getting alimony after my divorce.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. [Lawyer] does not offer free legal advice. Her hourly rate is [rate], and I can schedule you a meeting for [set price].”

    Caller: “I’m not really looking to pay. Can you give me advice?”

    Me: “I am not a lawyer, thus am not qualified to give legal advice. I would hate to steer you wrong.”

    Caller: “Well, what if I told you what I wanted to know, you asked [Lawyer], took notes, and then you called me back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I will not do that.”

    Caller: “This is very poor customer service!” *hangs up*

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