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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Hoping To Bend The Law

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    Me: “Good morning. [Law Firm].”

    Caller: “I was wondering if [Lawyer] could give me some advice on getting alimony after my divorce.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. [Lawyer] does not offer free legal advice. Her hourly rate is [rate], and I can schedule you a meeting for [set price].”

    Caller: “I’m not really looking to pay. Can you give me advice?”

    Me: “I am not a lawyer, thus am not qualified to give legal advice. I would hate to steer you wrong.”

    Caller: “Well, what if I told you what I wanted to know, you asked [Lawyer], took notes, and then you called me back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I will not do that.”

    Caller: “This is very poor customer service!” *hangs up*

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 9

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Underaged

    (It’s the weekend after the release of ‘Grand Theft Auto V,’ and demand for it is high. It’s my first call of the day, and quickly I realise it’s an under-18 boy trying to place an order.)

    Me: “Good Evening. [Company]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Underage Customer: *squeaking* “Hi there. I’m wondering if it’s possible to order Grand Theft Auto V, please.”

    Me: *smiling* “Absolutely. However, I’m required to warn you that an adult over the age of 18 must be present to sign for the delivery of the item, and that adult will be told exactly what’s being delivered before they sign for it. Is that okay?”

    Underage Customer: *still squeaking* “F****** d***! F***!” *click*

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 8
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 7
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 6
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    His Excuse Is A Total Cop Out

    | SC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

    (I work for security in a very rural hospital and am dealing with a very unruly patient who isn’t allowed to leave due to medication he has taken.)

    Me: “Sir, I just want to make you aware that because of the medications you have taken, for your safety, I need you to go back inside and call a ride to pick you up.”

    Patient: “F*** you! I’m an adult! I’ll do what i want!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand that you don’t feel well, and I’m trying to be nice to you. So, will you please return to the ER?”

    Patient: “F*** YOU!”

    (I notify my partner of the incident and the police are called to deal with the individual. As we await the police, the patient comes back to the ER lobby and confronts the very outspoken desk clerk who has no idea what is going on.)

    Patient: “WHO SENT THAT RENT-A-COP OUTSIDE TO WATCH ME LIKE A CHILD?!”

    Desk Clerk: “Can I help you?”

    Patient: “I want to speak to the rent-a-cop who followed me to my vehicle to watch me like I’m some three-year-old! I’ll have him know that I’m very good friends with the owner of his company and I’ve been a security guard for over 10 years!”

    Desk Clerk: “Well, sir, wouldn’t that make you a rent-a-cop, too?”

    Patient: “That’s not the same!”

    (As the patient is leaving, he has one more question.)

    Patient: “Hey, man. I would like to apologize for the behavior. It was the meds talking. But I do have a question.”

    Me: “What’s that?”

    Patient: “Are y’all hiring?”

    Couldn’t Really Blame Him For Frying

    | NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I’m at a public pool that has pretty lenient employees at the “Snack Shack.” It should be noted that at the Shack, the customer pays BEFORE receiving their food.)

    Employee: “Fries are ready!”

    Little Boy: “My dad ordered those.” *takes fries and runs away*

    (A few minutes later…)

    Man: “Hi, I ordered my fries a while ago. Are they ready yet?”

    Employee: “Uh, yeah. Your son just came by and already took them.”

    Man: “What? I don’t have a son…”

    Employee: *widens eyes* “Wait… What? That little lucky punk! He stole— argh. Sorry, I’ll get you your fries. Ugh…”

    How To Identify The Idiot

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work at the call centre of a theater.)

    Me: “Good morning. You are calling [Theater Name].”

    Caller: “I got an email telling me that I’ve been charged for tickets that I didn’t buy! I want a refund! This is fraud! Someone did ‘identity theft’ to me!”

    Me: “All right. Let me just see in the account. Can you tell me the email address?”

    Caller: “It’s [email address].”

    Me: “Okay. I do see that a purchase matches this email address. Are you Marc?”

    Caller: “No! I want my money back. This is fraud!”

    Me: “However, this seems to be the email of a garage. Do you own a garage? Maybe one of the employees is named Marc and could have used this email address when he made the purchase?”

    Caller: “No this is fraud! I don’t have employees!”

    Me: “Okay, maybe it’s one of your friends? Do you maybe know a ‘Marc’ living in Laval?”

    Caller: “That’s the guy that stole my identity? Do you have his address? Give me his address! I’m gonna go f*** him up!”

    Me: “I can’t do that sir. Even if you don’t know the person who made the purchase, sometimes people make mistakes while entering their email address when they make a purchase online. It happens all the time. Now I can verify that you have actually been charged—”

    Caller: “This is bulls***! My identity was stolen. This is fraud! FRAUD! I’m calling the cops!”

    (He hangs up. Twenty minutes later we get another call.)

    Police: “Hi. This is [Name] from the police department. I’m here with a man that says he was victim of identity theft and fraud from your company?”

    Me: “Actually, he got an email confirmation of a purchase made under someone else’s name. He hung up before I could verify if his credit card was actually charged.”

    Police: “All right. Could you check this with him right now?”

    Me: “Sure. Can I speak with him?”

    Caller: “Yeah?”

    Me: “Like I tried to tell you before you hung up, sir, I can verify if your credit card was actually charged. Could you give me your card number, please?”

    Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD!”

    Me: “…”

    Police: “I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” *click*

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