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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    The Fall Of The Call

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Thanks for calling [National Pizza Chain]. What can I get you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I want a large pepperoni pizza, no pepperoni, and six orders of fries.”

    Me: *click*

    (Five minutes later:)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [National Pizza Chain]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I want a dozen cheeseburgers, hold the cheese, and four fries.”

    Me: *click*

    (Five minutes later:)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [National Pizza Chain]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Do you have gum?”

    Me: “No, but I do have caller id, and will be giving your number to the police if you call here again.”

    Caller: *click*

    Not Feeling Neutral About Your Parking

    | NB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

    (It is the day before Good Friday, and the store is packed full of people. Obviously, so is the parking lot. A cart pusher has just brought in a handful of carts, and a greeter is tagging bags. One customer, already looking angry, heads straight to the elder greeter and tries to hand her his car keys.)

    Customer: “Go park my car.”

    Greeter: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t offer a valet service here.”

    Customer: “There’s no f****** parking spaces. Go park my f****** car!”

    Greeter: “Sir, I just got back from work after having a heart attack. What makes you think I’m going to be able to drive your car, let alone find you a parking space, when you haven’t?”

    Cart Pusher: “Where is your car right now? Parking in the fire lane makes working and shopping here dangerous. I can have you towed.”

    (Customer went beet red and left, hopefully back to his car!)

    Going To Get Charged With Nine Months

    | CT, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in this small grocery store and we don’t get many customers until one day…)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, could you help me with my stuff.”

    (The lady has a large stomach.)

    Me: “Sure, ma’am.”

    (I help her, but she slips a bit and I see a watermelon sticking out a bit from her shirt.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to remove the watermelon from your shirt.”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DISRESPECTFUL B****?! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M PREGNANT?!”

    Me: “I can see it slipping from your shirt…”

    (At this point the customer started running away, but fell over herself. The watermelon splattered everywhere and she kept screaming MY BABY! MY POOR BABY! but realized it was useless and she was caught. That really made my day.)

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    A Sad Depiction Of Eviction

    | NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging

    (I work second shift front desk at an extended stay [Brand] hotel. Of 140+ rooms we have only a couple of two bedroom suites, the largest of our [Brand]’s suites.)

    Caller: “Are you owned or managed by [Some Company]?”

    Me: “No we are owned by [Company #1] and managed by [Company #2].”

    (I never get asked this.)

    Caller: “I’m interesting in seeing the two bedroom suite.”

    Me: “Sure, if you can come by tomorrow I can have someone show you the room.”

    Caller: “Could I see it tonight? I want to stay for three months. I’ll have [Related Brand] hotel shuttle drop me off.”

    Me: “The room hasn’t been cleaned yet…”

    Caller: “That is okay.”

    (It being a Sunday night with only a few check-ins left, I figure it would be okay if I took 15 minutes to land a three-month stay in our most expensive room.)

    Me: “Great, I’ll show you the room when you arrive.”

    (The shuttle drops them off.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Hotel].”

    Caller: “You aren’t owned or operated by [Company #3], are you?”

    Me: “Nope!”

    (I’m getting a bit worried about this; nobody asks this question or is so interested. I show them the room and they tell me about how they need more chairs, a desk for their son, etc. They come across as very needy. This does not bode well.)

    Caller: “We will be living here until our house is ready, and we will need to use the van to pick up our son from school and to do errands.”

    (Red flag: They have a house under construction but they don’t own a car!)

    Me: “For all these things especially the extra furniture and preferential van scheduling will need management approval.”

    Caller: “Okay, let’s book this and your manager can get back to us.”

    Me: “Great, I just need a [Loyalty Card] number and a credit card.”

    Caller: “Okay here is the [Loyalty Card] number and let me read you the CC number.”

    (With confirmation number in hand they called Related Brand hotel and got the shuttle back. At this point I checked their Loyalty Card history. They had been in two hotels for 12 months. I wanted to know why they are changing hotels and what is going on and what they aren’t telling me. I left a note for my manager to call Related Brand hotel and find out why they are leaving. My manager called the other hotel. No sooner did she say the guest’s name, the other manager burst into tears. In New Jersey, if you live in a hotel long enough, you are entitled to protection under the eviction laws. That means the hotel has to take you to court if you haven’t paid your bill. For the first 60 days they paid on time and in full but as soon as the eviction rules kicked in they stopped paying. As a result the hotel had impounded their car. The hotel, having had them evicted, was in the process of extracting money owed for the room, totalling something like $80k. The family was also being investigated by the FBI for committing wire fraud from the hotel’s business center. Naturally my manager cancelled their reservation and I got a $20 gift card to Olive Garden for saving us tens of thousands of dollars of pain. If they hadn’t been so d*** needy we wouldn’t have known until it was too late!)

    Sunglass And Hit Station

    | USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Hey there, what can I get you?”

    Woman: “Oh, I’ll have [Lottery Game] and two packs of [Cigarettes].”

    (As I get her items and ring them in, I notice her staring intently at some sunglasses that a regular had left behind.)

    Woman: “Those sunglasses are so cute. What’s the deal with them?”

    Me: “Oh, another customer left them behind. We’re keeping them up front in case she comes back today.”

    Woman: “What if she doesn’t come back?”

    Me: “Then it gets moved to the lost and found.”

    Woman: “What if she never comes back for them?”

    Me: “Uh, well, I think [Store Owner] either throws lost items away after a period of time or donates them.”

    Woman: “So they’re just gonna get thrown away?”

    Me: “Not necessarily. Most people who leave stuff behind come back for them, and this woman is in here all the time, so I’m sure—”

    Woman: “I want them.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Woman: “I want those sunglasses.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t give them to you. However, we have many styles of sunglasses on display just around the corner from the desk, so if you’d like—”

    Woman: “No. I want those ones.”

    Me: “Ma’am, they belong to someone else.”

    Woman: “Well, what if I said that they’re my sunglasses and I forgot them?”

    Me: “Okay, except we just had a conversation about how they’re NOT yours and how the person who DOES own them left them behind. So, no, you can’t have them.”

    Woman: “But I don’t understand why I can’t have them.”

    (This circular argument goes on for a while. Eventually my manager comes over because he’s noticed a three-item transaction has gone on for almost five minutes.)

    Manager: “Is there something wrong, ma’am?”

    Woman: “Yes, this little girl won’t give me my sunglasses.”

    Manager: *looks at me* “[My Name]?”

    Me: “Well, they’re not her sunglasses. [Regular] was here earlier and left them at register one.”

    Woman: “No, she wasn’t. She didn’t! They’re mine!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you just all but told me these aren’t your sunglasses and I saw

    [Regular] set them down on register one when she was here earlier.”

    Woman: *shrilly* “No! They’re mine!”

    (She suddenly lunges forward and throws herself across the counter, trying to reach the sunglasses. My manager pushes me behind him and snatches the woman’s arm.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you have to leave! You can’t assault the employees or steal from other customers.”

    Woman: “I’m not stealing! They’re mine! THEY’RE MINE!”

    (My manager had to forcibly remove her from the store. The true owner of the sunglasses came in the next morning and my manager regaled the story to her. She just laughed and told him to tell me she was sorry I had to go through that. All that fuss over a pair of $5 sunglasses!)

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