Customer: “The ATM won’t take my check for deposit!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll deposit it right now for you.”

(I start filling out a deposit slip as the customer continues complaining.)

Customer: “Your stupid ATMs never work. I always have problems with them!”

Me: “If you’ll just slide your bank card for me, I’ll be able to get your account number and make the deposit.”

Customer: “I need an account to make a deposit?!”

Customer: “How much is a push pop?”

Me: “75 cents.”

Customer: “What is that, a dollar?”

Me: *speechless*

(The cardholder sounds very very drunk.)

Caller: “Why did you let the card take out $5,000?”

Me: “It shows that you did an ATM withdrawal for $5,000 in Las Vegas, NV. Was this you?”

Caller: “No! It was the stripper she took it. She took it! Why did you let her take it?”

Me: “Your card was stolen by a stripper?”

Caller: “No, no, no! Why aren’t you listening to me?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t understand. What happened?”

Caller: “I wanted a lap dance. So, I gave the stripper my card and PIN number to get money.”

Me: “You gave her your card and PIN and told her to get $5000?”

Caller: “No! Why aren’t you listening to me? I told the stripper to get $300 for my lap dance.”

Me: “So, she took too much money?”

Caller: “Why did you let her? When is she coming back? I want my lap dance.”

(This goes on for a little while with the caller slurring his speech and stuttering.)

Caller: “Why won’t you help me?”

Me: “What would you like me to do?”

Caller: “Fine! Don’t help me. I’ll go back to the tables and win back my fortune!”

(I work at a large retail store. The store has its own credit card that customers can apply for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I applied for a credit card yesterday, but I don’t have it yet. Can I still use it?”

Me: “Sure, as long as you have the temporary credit slip that you were given when you applied. Do you have that?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Oh. Did you leave it at home?”

Customer: “No. I don’t have one.”

Me: “Didn’t you get one when you applied?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, were you approved for the credit card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “So, I can’t use it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, you can’t use a credit card that you weren’t approved for.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s stupid!”

(We sell, among other things, cards for a popular trading card game. A customer walks in, walks directly to the counter, and pulls a few cards out of his pocket.)

Customer: “I’d like to purchase these, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, purchase? Don’t you mean sell?”

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t have the money at the time. However, I didn’t want anybody else to get them, so I just left with them. I’d like to pay for them now, thanks.”

(A customer comes in with a laptop that he bought and a laptop sleeve that he got for free with the laptop.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, this sleeve doesn’t fit the laptop.”

Me: “Okay, that’s no problem, sir. I don’t have any larger sleeves, but you can take a look at the laptop bags.”

Customer: “No, I just want my money back.”

Me: “Well, sir, you didn’t pay anything for the sleeve. It came for free with the laptop as part of a promotion. I can return it for you, but you won’t get any money back.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I can go ask the manager, if you like.”

Customer: “Do that.”

(I go in the back and talk to the manager, who tells me exactly what I just told the customer. Then, I head back out to the front.)

Me: “Well, sir, the manager told me the same thing. I can return it, but you won’t get any money back.”

Customer: “This is unacceptable! Who do you people think you are? I want my money back!”

Me: “But, sir, you didn’t pay anything for it.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! Go get your manager! I’ll get your a** fired!”

(I’m setting a customer up for a pre-authorized payment so her checking account pays her credit card automatically on the due date. I’m going over all the details.)

Me: “If there aren’t sufficient funds in the bank account at the time of payment, an NSF fee will be charged.”

Customer: “What?! You mean I have to have money in my bank account?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 8
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 7
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 6
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession

(I’m working the cash register. A male customer of about 40 comes by and places their order. He proceeds to give me his credit card.)

Me: “May I see some ID, please?”

(He stares at me for a moment then breaks out into song as he hands me the ID.)

Customer: “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my pooooookeer faaaaaaace!”