Customer: *placing coin in front of me* “This is a dollar.”

Me: “That’s a quarter.”

Customer: “Right, a quarter dollar.”

Me: “Yes, a quarter dollar.”

Customer: “So which is it, a quarter or a dollar?”

Me: “It’s a quarter.”

Customer: “Then why does it say quarter dollar?”

Me: “Because it’s a quarter of a dollar.”

Customer: *uproarious laughter*

Me: “I wasn’t kidding.”

Customer: *leaves looking extremely disappointed*

(I work in a law firm as an office manager and administrator. Our firm only deals with criminal law, personal injury and immigration. A scruffy-looking guy comes in one day.)

Customer: “Hi, I wonder if you could help me. My wife is going to divorce me and I want custody of my kids.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t deal with family law here. Only criminal, personal injury, and immigration.”

Customer: “Why won’t you help me?! My kids need to be with me; their mum is crazy!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we do not deal with family law here. I would be happy to refer you to another firm that can help you.”

Customer: *shouting* “Oh, you are just discriminating against me! Get your manager for me right now!”

Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

Customer: “Oh, hi there. I wondered if you could help me. My wife wants to divorce me.”

Me: “I’ve already told you we can’t help you here.”

Customer: “But look, I’ve got lots of money. I can pay you if that’s the problem!”

(The man then picks up a bag he has, turns it upside down, and empties the whole bag full of pennies onto my desk.)

Customer: “See, money. Now, help me.”

Me: “Listen, you need to leave right now. Take your pennies and leave the building, or I’m going to call security.”

Customer: “Aah!” *picks up a penny, throws it at me, and runs out, leaving all his pennies*

Me: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Well, I have two coupons here. One is a large pizza, four sodas, and 70 tokens for $29.99. The other is for a large pizza, four sodas, wings, and 110 tokens for $29.99. Which one is better?”

Me: “Well, I’d personally go with the second one. It’s the same price, plus you get an extra order of wings and 40 more tokens.”

Customer: “You’re just trying to get more money off of me, so you picked the worse deal. I’ll take the first coupon, idiot!”

(I work in a call center that helps people with pricing and availability on apartment homes. We ask a few questions that may affect the price.)

Me: “So, do you know how long of a lease you would like to sign?”

Caller: “‘Lease’? I’m not signing no d*** lease! I just want to move.”

Me: “Well, you are required to sign a lease if you want an apartment.”

Caller: “I’ve never heard of these ‘leases’! You just want more money!” *hangs up*

(I am working the register at a well-known video game store, when a customer approaches with a stack of games and his son.)

Me: “That will be $87.96.”

Customer: “Here.” *gives me a gift card worth $25*

Me: *processes gift card* “Your balance is $62.96.”

Customer: “What do you I do now?”

Me: “You give me more money.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry. I have never been here before…”

(The phone rings and it is a customer wanting to know about gift cards. We are running a promotion where if you buy $100, you get a $25 bonus card.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Caller: “Are you doing something with gift cards?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I explain the promotion.)

Caller: “How much is a good amount for two people to eat?”

Me: “A $50 gift card would probably cover two people.”

Caller: “Well, I need to buy them for two separate couples, so I will need $400 in gift cards. What do I get?”

Me: *ignoring the incorrect math* “You would get four $25 bonus cards.”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “For every $100 you spend, you get an extra $25 dollar gift card.”

Caller: “For what? What do I do?”

Me: “What is your question exactly?”

Caller: “I don’t know! You’re the one who said something about gift cards!”

Customer: “Can I have a pack of [brand] cigarettes?”

Me: “Sure, that’s $5.51.”

Customer: “Are these the dollar-off ones?”

(I look behind me. There are no dollar-off deals right now.)

Me: “No, sorry, there’s no sale on that kind.”

Customer: “That sign says ‘Save 30 cents on two packs.’”

Me: “Yeah, but you have to buy two packs.”

Customer: “Then will I save a dollar?”

Me: “No, you’d save thirty cents.”

Customer: “Why wouldn’t I save a dollar?”

Me: “Because the sale is for thirty cents?”

Customer: “Oh, okay…”

Related:
If It Don’t Make Dollars, It Don’t Make Sense

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a refund on [membership]. I never used it.”

Me: “No problem! Actually, I’m looking at your account here and it looks like you tried to buy it, but at the time, your credit card failed and so you never actually purchased it.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it.”

Me: “I know. It looks like you never bought it in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it and I was never able to use it. So you’re not going to refund me?”

Me: “I can’t–”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me!”

Me: “I can’t refund you because you didn’t buy anything.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Just put the money back on my card!”

Me: “I can’t put money back on your card because we never took any off.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me! This is terrible customer service.”

Me: “Sir, you never bought anything. How can I give you back money we never took from you? Where would the money come from?”

Customer: “Just give it to me! Why is this so hard?”

Me: “Okay, can you look at your credit card and tell me the exact date that we charged you? If it turns out that your records are more correct than mine, I’m happy to refund you.”

Customer: “No! I’m not going to do that! Why should I check my credit card statement!?”

Me: “According to our records, you never bought anything. I can’t give you back money that you didn’t spend. If our records are wrong, I can refund you.”

Customer: “I’m not going to check anything! This is the worst customer service experience I have ever had! I can’t believe you’re giving me such a hard time over such a small amount of money!”

Me: “Actually, I’m giving you such a hard time over no money because you never bought anything.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

Related:
Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something