(I am handling a sales order with a customer. An older lady taps me on the shoulder.)

Customer: “I can’t find your elevator anywhere!”

Me: “It’s a one story building. I am afraid we don’t have one.”

Customer: “That’s horrible! My knees are so bad! I just can’t handle the stairs!”

Me: “We… don’t have stairs.”

(As I am replying, she has turned and walked away. About a week later, I get a call…)

State Employee: “I am calling to investigate a complaint we received that your store is violating ADA. Is it true you don’t have an elevator?”

Me: “Yes. I don’t have a second floor or stairs either.”

State Employee: “So, I just file this under ‘crazy’… gotcha.”

(An elderly customer comes in. I’ve never seen him before in nearly two years of working there.)

Customer: “I’d like a bottle of whiskey, please.”

Me: “Okay, which one would you like?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know…”

(I step to the side so he has a better view of the whiskey, but he just continues to stare at me. A few seconds pass…)

Me: “Have you decided?”

(The customer becomes irate.)

Customer: “No, I haven’t decided! I was waiting for you to tell me!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I was waiting for you to tell me what I want.”

(I start listing the brands and prices for each bottle.)

Customer: “No! I don’t care about any of that! Just tell me what I want!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not sure what size bottle you’re after, or brand, or even how much money you have on you.”

Customer: “USELESS! You lot are supposed to be here to help. I don’t know why I bothered coming here! Every time I come here, you lot never help me! You’re all USELESS!”

(He storms out the shop. I begin to serve the next customer.)

Customer #2: “Well, that was weird! Anyway, I’d like some wine please.”

Me: “Okay, would you like any wine in particular?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know, red wine? Can’t you just tell me what I want?! You’re so useless! WHY WON’T YOU JUST READ MY MIND AND TELL ME WHAT I WANT?! DO I EVEN LIKE RED WINE?!”

(He pretends to storm out the shop. That guy never fails to cheer us up!)

(A customer comes to the counter with an expensive hair treatment.)

Customer: “Excuse me, this appears to be used. Do you have any others?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We just finished putting our stock away. If that was the last one on the shelf, then it’s the last one we have.”

Customer: “Well, I suppose I’ll get it anyway. I’ve never tried it before, but I pumped some out and it does feel very nice.”

Me: “Ma’am, were you the one that opened and used it?”

Customer: “Yes, but I had to see what it was like before I spent all this money on it! Now, are you sure there aren’t any more in the back? I really don’t want to buy something that’s been used!”

Customer: “Don’t put the apples in the bag with the potatoes! They’ll get bruised!”

Me: “The apples are in top, ma’am.They won’t get bruised.”

Customer: “But the potatoes are heavy; they’ll bruise the apples! Geez, don’t you know anything!?”

(I put the apples in a separate bag. I’m careful not to put anything in with the potatoes, as they might get bruised. The other bags are pretty full, and the last item is a bag of loose lettuce.)

Me: “Would you like this in a separate bag?”

Customer: “No, that can go on top of the potatoes. There’s plenty of space.”

(It’s the annual Halloween event. I am dressed as Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd, but since the younger kids I watch haven’t seen the movie, I try to explain my costume in a way they can understand.)

Little Boy: “Why do you have a fake knife? What are you?”

Me: “I’m dressed as a lady who makes people into pies.”

Little Boy: “That’s awesome! I wanna make people into pies! Can you make me into a pie? I wanna eat myself!”

Me: *laughing* “Go down the slide first, then we’ll talk.”