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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

    Category: Crazy Requests

    Some customers can be demanding, but within reason. These customers however make some requests that go beyond demanding, beyond reasonable, beyond possible! These requests, like the customers, are crazy!

    Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)

    Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”

    Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”

    Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”

    Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”

    Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”

    Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”

    Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”

    Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”

    Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”

    (The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)

    We Apologize For The Convenience

    , | ON, Canada | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (It is Thanksgiving Day. I am calling a customer who left a message that he wants to ‘complain.’)

    Customer: “I pay for a 24/7, 365-day contract and you’re closed just because it’s a holiday.”

    Me: “Actually, we’re not closed. In fact, you and I are talking on the phone, right now.”

    Customer: “I think I should get a credit or something free because you’re not open.”

    Me: “Except that we ARE OPEN.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve wasted my time calling if you’re open because you’re supposed to be closed. How are you going to compensate me?”

    Me: “Just to make sure I understand: You’re calling on a day that you think we’re closed, in order to complain that we’re closed in an attempt to get something for free, but when you realized that we’re open, the exact thing you wanted, you’d like to complain and get something for free because you wasted your time calling to complain about something that didn’t happen?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “Was there a technical problem that you needed help with in the first place?”

    Customer: “No! I only called to complain.”

    Me: *bangs head on desk*

    Customer: “Well, I think I at least deserve an apology!”

    Me: “I’m, uh… very sorry that we could not inconvenience you today.”

    A Real Crappy Photoshop Job

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Crazy Requests, One-Liners, Technology

    Customer: “Can you remove this person—” *indicates one child right in the middle of a family photo* “—from this photo? Oh, and be careful, there was a dog taking a fat s*** behind him. If you can see it, remove it, too.”

    A Hot Slice Of Justice

    , | Grimes, IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (We’re getting pretty close to closing time. We’ve barely had any orders today. I’m working the kitchen with two others. Everything’s been cleaned and there’s nothing to do until another order comes in, when suddenly a customer comes storming into the store, shouting things exceptionally hard to understand, and possibly drunk.)

    Me: “Oh, lord, here we go…”

    Customer: “Where’s the kitchen guy! I WANT TO SEE THE KI—”

    Me: “Right here. You can stop yelling now. I can hear you.”

    Customer: *does actually stop yelling, probably because he had to look up to me* “Where the f*** is my pizza? I ordered a pizza over an hour ago. Now, where is it?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We haven’t—”


    Me: “Well, the manager is asleep. If you want, I can go back there and see if we have your order.”

    Customer: “Yeah, you do that. I want my free f****** pizza!”

    (He gives his name and address. I go to where we keep the order slips.)

    Me: “Sir, there’s no slip under either of those.”


    Coworker: “Hey, why don’t you call again?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Coworker: “If you did call this store, and we took your order, it was never filled. Go ahead and call the number again. If the phone rings, we’ll give you a free pizza.”

    (He whipped out his phone, mashing the buttons until he got to the recent calls, and called the store. Our phone didn’t ring, but somebody on the other end picked up. He had placed an order at the store on the other side of town. The customer shoved his phone in his pocket and stormed out of the store without a word.)

    A Day For A Dollar

    | OR, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Money

    (I’m grocery shopping at the local discount store. I pick the line that looks shortest, and set my basket down. The fairly well-off looking woman in front of me has apparently been accidentally overcharged a dollar, due to the ancient cash registers requiring the cashier to key in the amount to charge someone’s card.)

    Woman: *angrily* “You do realize that this refund will take three days to go through? Three days I have to wait for my money! Couldn’t you just give me a dollar?!”

    (At this point, it’s obvious that the woman’s been going off like this for some time. The manager is trying to calm her down while showing the cashier how to run the return. The poor cashier looks like he’s looking for a hole to crawl into and die in.)

    Me: “You know, if you’re in such bad financial straits that being out a dollar for three days is going to completely wreck your budget, I could give you your dollar. I’m unemployed, on food stamps, and having to scrounge recyclables to return for cash to fill my gas tank, but if you’re making such a fuss over being out a dollar for three days, you’re obviously poorer than me.” *holds out a dollar bill*

    (The woman goes beet red and signs the return in silence, then darts out to her car.)

    Cashier: “Thanks, ma’am, you’re awesome.” *fistbumps me*