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    Category: Crazy Requests

    Some customers can be demanding, but within reason. These customers however make some requests that go beyond demanding, beyond reasonable, beyond possible! These requests, like the customers, are crazy!

    Not What The Doctor Ordered

    | MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (In one week we are hosting a benefit dinner to set up a scholarship fund helping underprivileged kids go to summer camp. It is my job to take reservations, which have been closed for a week. I take a phone call.)

    Me: “[Business]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. This is Doctor [Name]. I would like three tickets to the dinner.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately ticket sales closed a week ago. We had to give final numbers to the caterer and—”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I’m a doctor and I know the speaker. She and my daughter went to college together.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but the speaker knew when ticket sales closed and she never mentioned—”

    Customer: “But I’m a doctor! And I know the speaker!”

    Me: “Congratulations, ma’am. But we’ve turned the numbers in—”

    Customer: “You’ll just have to tell them you have three more guests. What time is the dinner? We will be coming.”

    Me: “I can’t—”

    Customer: “You will tell them. I know the speaker.”

    Me: *sigh* “I will talk to our director and see what I can do but—”

    Customer: “Good. My name is Doctor [Name] and I know the speaker.”

    (The caller proceeds to give me all of her contact information. I talk to my boss a few hours later and she reluctantly agrees to sell tickets to the woman because we ordered more meals than necessary for this exact reason. I am getting ready to call the woman back when the phone rings and I answer it.)

    Customer: “This is Doctor [Name] and you said you would talk to your— whoever it is —and make sure we get tickets. We will be coming. I know the speaker.”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We have extra plates available and we have your name on the reservation list for three tickets.”

    Customer: “Good. See, this is how you treat a doctor. Now, what is my discount for knowing the speaker?”

    Me: “You don’t get a discount.”

    Customer: “Of course I do; I’m a doctor and I know the speaker.”

    Me: “Ma’am, everyone pays the same ticket price. We have everyone from doctors, engineers, nurses, janitors, and camp counselors coming to this dinner and they all reserved their seats before the deadline and are all paying the same ticket price. Your total is [total].”

    Customer: “Ugh! Fine! But I won’t give you people a dime more for whatever it is you’re doing, you hear me?”

    Me: “Yes, doctor.”

    (She was just as rude and egotistical when I met her in person, still making sure to let me know she was a doctor and more important than anyone. And she made good on her promise to not give anything to the scholarship fund for children.)

    The Return Of The Ninja

    | NH, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Wild & Unruly

    (I have a 14-hour shift because a friend of mine is out sick as she is having surgery. It’s about eight hours into the day, and a customer comes in, with something in a paper bag and a giant scowl on her face.)

    Me: “Hello, Ma’am. How may I help you today?”

    Guest: “Yes. I’d like to return this, please? Here’s my receipt, and I want the full amount back.”

    Me: “Yes, Ma’am. I’ll do what I can.”

    (I go to scan the receipt, and it’s declined, because she’s had the items for more than 90 days. We aren’t allowed to return things over that limit without a supervisor’s approval.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but my system is showing me that I can’t return these, due to the fact you purchased them more than 90 days ago.”

    Guest: “That’s f****** stupid! I demand to speak with your supervisor! I work in retail, and we return everything the guest gives us!”

    (I look over, and see my supervisor is busy dealing with another customer.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. If you’d just wait right over here for a moment, I’m sure he’ll be with you very shortly.”

    Guest: “No! I’ll not be treated this way!”

    (She takes out her purse, and slams her bag down on the guest services counter, throwing her store card and three gift cards at my face. I catch one, and dodge the others.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, please. We do not allow that kind of behavior here. I’m very sorry for any inconvenience.”

    Guest: “You know what? You’re simply a stupid little s*** with no chance at ever being successful, or pretty!” *storms out*

    Customer In Line Behind Her: “Well, I never! Miss, you are beautiful, very kind, and I’m in awe of your ninja skills!”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am. I appreciate it!”

    Ballooning Demands, Part 2

    | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (Our store closes at 7 pm on weeknights, so we lock our doors at 6:55. A customer bangs at the door at 6:58 with the promise that she needs just one thing. I let her in and tell her we’re closing the registers in two minutes. Two minutes pass and she’s not at the register.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you told me that you only needed one thing when you came in here. It’s seven and we have to shut our registers down.”

    Customer: “I know, but I forgot I also need…” *lists off a dozen items*

    Me: “There’s no way you’re going to have time to get all of that. If you want, we can gather this for you and bag it, then you can pick it up in the morning and pay.”

    Customer: “NO! It needs to be tonight! It’s an emergency.”

    Me: *sighs and realizes she’s going to be a problem* “I’ll ask one of the registers to stay open five more minutes, and then we have to shut down.”

    (Luckily, the customer is up there in three minutes with her arms full. My co-worker is checking her out when the woman says she needs to put in a balloon order for her son’s first birthday party. I hurry and grab a slip of paper to fill out with the information.)

    Customer: “Do you have any specials on your balloons?”

    Me: “No. We stopped doing specials on them months ago because of the helium shortage. We do offer balloons at a cheaper price if you buy 20 or more.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t really need 20. Can you do the order in multiple colors?”

    Me: “We can do them in as many as you like.”

    Customer: “I want them to match the theme of the party.”

    (She starts naming colors, which I write down, but she can’t decide on the blue. I go grab four different blue balloon colors.)

    Customer: “Give me the aqua, no powder blue. No, island is better. No, I’ll just go with aqua. Can I have just twelve balloons at the cheaper price?”

    Me: “I’m afraid we can’t do that. It’s in the system at a set price and I don’t have the authority.”

    Customer: “I just don’t need 20. I guess I’ll get 20, though.”

    Coworker: “I’m glad we could help you with your son’s first birthday. That’ll be [high amount].”

    (The customer hands over her card and it’s declined.)

    Customer: “Ugh, I know there’s money on that card. It just won’t go through because my check is still pending. Can you stay open just a little longer so I can run to the ATM and withdraw some money?”

    Me: “We can’t. We should have already closed over 10 minutes ago. As I suggested before, why don’t we bag this up and you can come for this in the morning when you come to get your balloons?

    Customer: “I guess so. Are you sure you can’t let me run to the ATM?”

    Me: “I’m positive, ma’am.”

    (I help to write her name and information on one of the bags, staple it shut and put it behind the main counter.)

    Customer: *as she’s walking out* “Oh, do me a favor? I don’t know if I want those balloons. Will you make sure they don’t fill them until I call?”

    Me: “… Yes, ma’am.”

    Coworker: *after the customer has left* “So we just wasted 15 minutes for her to walk out empty handed and she’s probably going to call and cancel that balloon order tomorrow.”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Ballooning Demands

    How To Kiss Problem Customers Goodbye

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (I normally take my lunch break when my husband gets off work. Today is a really busy day and I’m not getting my lunch break, so my husband has approached me at my checkout line. I give my husband a hug and quick peck on the cheek and say goodbye. I turn to my next customer.)

    Customer: “Where’s mine?”

    Me: “Your what?”

    Customer: *very serious* “My hug and kiss. He got one. I want one, too.”

    Me: “Oh! I only hug and kiss the customers I’m married to.”

    Customer: *disgusted* “Well, that’s not good customer service. I wanted a hug and kiss!”

    (A coworker then decides to step in. He’s a big guy about 6″ tall and very heavy.)

    Coworker: “Well, it would be a shame to let you leave unhappy.”

    Customer: “I know. It’s not fair that she kisses other men but won’t give me one!”

    Coworker: “I’ll take care of that for you.”

    (My coworker walks towards the customer with his arms out.)

    Coworker: “Let me show her what customer service is. I’ll take care of that hug and kiss.”

    Customer: “Uh… No, thanks!” *walks quickly to the front register*

    Coworker: *to me* “What about my hug and kiss?”

    Me: *smirks* “What about that marriage proposal?”

    Going Into A Song And Dance Over It

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem

    (A customer is buying over $200 worth of used CDs, most of which are missing barcodes and have to be manually entered. To boot, they are mostly classical, which means they’re covered in text, often in different languages, etc., and it’s hard to pick out the information I need.)

    Customer: “Is there any way this can go any faster? I’m in quite a hurry.”

    (Yes, I’m sure he picked out all 50 friggin’ CDs in QUITE a hurry.)

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