(I work in a fast food restaurant that opened less than a year ago. Our phone number used to belong to an outpatient X-Ray and ultrasound clinic.)

Me: “Hello, [fast food restaurant].”

Caller: “I’m calling the results of my X-ray.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [restaurant]. We don’t do X-rays here.”

Caller: “I just need my results.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have them here.”

Caller: “Who are you?!”

Me: “This is [restaurant].”

Caller: “What do you have there?”

Me: “We are a fast food place. We sell mainly hamburgers.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t need that! You sure don’t have my results there?”

Me: “Very sure.”

Caller: “Well, do you know who has them?”

Me: “Your family doctor, maybe?”

Caller: “Do you have their number?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, but no, I don’t.”

Caller: “Well, you’re no help!” *hangs up*

(Note: our hot dogs come with chili and coleslaw on them, and customers frequently ask for them without one or the other.)

Customer: “I’ll have a hot dog with cheddar cheese and no meat.”

Me: “Sure. Do you still want the coleslaw?”

Customer: “Yes, and be sure to toast the bun.”

(I put her order in, and return a short time later with a hot dog in a toasted bun with cheese and coleslaw.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I asked for no meat. This has meat on it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you meant you didn’t want the chili. Could you explain to me what it is you’d like?”

Customer: “Well, I said no meat! Take the hot dog out!”

Me: “Okay, so just to be clear: you want a toasted hot dog bun with cheese and coleslaw… but no hot dog?”

Customer: “Yes! Is that so hard?”

Me: “I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. Would you like me to bring you a grilled cheese sandwich with coleslaw in it? It would be less expensive.”

Customer: “I specifically asked for a hot dog. A grilled cheese is not a hot dog!”

(I approach a table with an elderly couple. Note that it is always the elderly woman that speaks.)

Me: “Two gammon steaks?”

Elderly Woman: “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the order was for this table. I’ll just go and check again…”

(They ignore me. The other tables around them are either eating or haven’t ordered yet. I didn’t take their order, so I may be wrong. I check. It is definitely their table. I go back.)

Me: “I’m sorry to bother you again. What did you order?”

Elderly Woman: “I ordered two gammon steaks.”

Me: “I just brought those meals to your table, ma’am, and you said they weren’t yours.”

Elderly Woman: “I just wanted to sit and enjoy my glass of wine before I ate any food. Is that too much to ask?!”

Me: “Of course, I will inform the chef and bring your food out to you later.”

Elderly Woman: “You know what? I don’t even want it. Take it off my bill. I just want this wine. What kind of restaurant serves food to people in under fifteen minutes?!”

Customer: “I want this book banned! It’s offensive and crude!” *slams a copy of 50 Shades of Grey onto the counter*

Employee: “I’m sorry you find it smutty sir, but—”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have a problem with that. It’s just poorly written.”

Employee: “Fair enough, I suppose. You do realise that we can’t just ban books for that?”

Customer: *grins sheepishly* “I know, but it was worth a try.”

(I work in customer relations for a major utility. A landlord is upset that we haven’t gotten a meter read prior to transferring service into his name.)

Me: “I see we have a key on file, but it appears it stopped working a few months ago.”

Customer: *very irate* “Well, I don’t know why that would have happened. I think your meter reader was just being lazy and didn’t feel like doing his job!”

Me: “Sir, did you by any chance change the locks on your building?”

Customer: *nervous stammering* “N-no… I did not.”

Me: “Usually, the key stops working only because the locks are changed or broken. Did your tenant change the locks by chance?”

Customer: “No, I’m the only one that changes the locks on my building! That tenant was evicted, and I had to change the locks to keep them from stealing from me!”

Me: “So, you DID change the locks, then?”

Customer: “Er… um… well, why wasn’t I notified that the key was no longer working?!”

Me: “So, you wanted us to notify you that YOU changed the locks on your own building?”

Customer: “I’m so F***ING sick of your company!” *click*