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  • Retract The Tract
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    Category: Crazy Requests

    Some customers can be demanding, but within reason. These customers however make some requests that go beyond demanding, beyond reasonable, beyond possible! These requests, like the customers, are crazy!

    Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

    | VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

    Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

    Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

    Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

    Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

    (Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

    Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

    Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

    Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

    Bowl Me Over With Lies

    | IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (This is an upscale bowling alley that allows you to make lane reservations. This is probably only my second or third day working there.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling [Bowling Alley]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Can I make a reservation?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but I’m afraid we only allow online reservations.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s just our policy.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just make an exception since I already called you?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. We aren’t allowed to manually enter reservations into our computers. But you can go to our website and set one up there. Would you like me to help you with that?”

    Customer: *says this in a completely serious tone* “Well, it just so happens that ALL of my fingers are broken! So now what?”

    Me: *completely without thinking* “How are you going to bowl?!”

    Customer: “Never mind.” *click*

    He Keeps Coming Back And Back And Back To The Future

    | PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Transportation

    Caller: “Yeah, hi, I have a 1995 Olds Cutlass. I was wondering if you could tell me the price and availability on a new flux capacitor?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, did you say “flux capacitor”?”

    Caller: “Yes, that’s right, for a ’95 Olds Cutlass.”

    (If you don’t already know, the flux capacitor is a made up ‘part’ from the ‘Back to the Future’ movies, the component that “makes time travel possible”)

    Me: *obviously thinking I’m being messed with* “Haha, seriously, what can I do for you?”

    Caller: “I said I need a flux capacitor. My car is running like crap. My buddy is a mechanic and told me I needed a new one.”

    (We get a lot more prank calls in auto parts stores than most people realize. Very rarely do we get something original; it’s always the same thing, and to make matters worse, these people are very dedicated to trying to make us look or feel stupid.)

    Me: *at this point I can tell this guy is determined to break me* “I’m sorry sir, but your friend is obviously mistaken, as the flux capacitor does not exist. It was made up for a movie, so unless your car is an ’85 Delorean, capable of time travel, you do not need a flux capacitor.”

    Caller: “Listen, my buddy has been working on cars his entire life, and if he says that’s what I need, then that’s what I need. I’ve told you twice my car is a ’95 Cutlass.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull one over on you, as I’ve already explained, the part you are looking for does not exist. You may want to call him and ask what is really wrong with your car, or take it to a reliable mechanic that can properly diagnose your problem.”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m gonna call him, and you’re not gonna be happy when I have HIM call you to get this part!” *click*

    (About 20 minutes later, one of my coworkers answers the phone, I hear him say, “Yeah he’s here; I’ll get him for you,” and hands me the phone.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I called you earlier about the ’95 Olds Cutlass. Well, I talked to my buddy again. He said he’s been doing this stuff longer than you’ve been alive and that if you know what’s good for you, you will stop wasting my time and his and look me up a d*** flux capacitor!”

    Me: “You know what? You’re right. After our last conversation, I jumped into my Delorean, went back and got the cataloging department to fix there mistake and put it in the computer. Now when I look it shows that I have on in stock for $299.99!”

    Caller: “Funny how your story has changed after I called my buddy again. But that price is outrageous; I can get it cheaper down the street.” *click*

    (Two hours go by without hearing from him again, until he walks in the store.)

    Customer: “Are you the guy I talked to about the flux capacitor for my ’95 Cutlass?”

    Me: “Yep, that was me.”

    Customer: “Well apparently, you’re the only place in town that has one, so I’ll be needing that now.”

    Me: *blink*

    Customer: “Well, are you gonna get it or not?”

    Me: “You’re obviously very dedicated to this joke, but if you wouldn’t mind I really have a lot to do today and don’t have the time to stand here humoring you on this.”

    Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Give me my d*** part and I’ll be on my way; you’re the one wasting MY time!”

    Me: “Sir, as I explained to you over the phone, the flux capacitor was a made up part, for a series of time travel movies. This is the component of the time machine that makes time travel possible. It does not exist in the real world; it is not a part on your car or any other car. One of two things is happening here: either you have nothing better to do with your time other than making my day difficult by insisting on continuing on with this less than original prank, or your buddy is messing with you, wasting your time and mine, and trying to make you look like a fool. If that’s the case, I can’t help you other than suggesting you find a new friend.”

    Customer: *becoming enraged* “I f***ing called you and you told me you had it in stock. Now you’re gonna stand there and tell me that not only do you not have one, but you’re going to try telling me that it doesn’t exist and accuse my friend of lying to me?! I’m calling your company to file a complaint! You haven’t heard the last from me! I’ll be back with my buddy and you’ll be sorry!”

    (10 minutes later…)

    Customer: *walks back in the store* “Listen I talked to him again, and he says if you don’t sell me my flux capacitor, he’s going to come down here and physically make you get it off the shelf. He wasn’t too happy when I told him what you said about him!”

    (At this point I finally realize that he is not messing around; his friend did in fact tell him that he needed a flux capacitor, and he truly believed it.)

    Me: *handing him my cell phone with a Back to the Future Wikipedia page loaded up* “Sir, before we continue this conversation, could I please ask you to read this?”

    Customer: *reads a few minutes, then hands me my phone* “I have to make a phone call…

    (He walks out of the store and pulls out his cell phone. At this point all four of the people I’m working with come out of their hiding places laughing in astonishment of what’s going on unable to believe how well I’m keeping my composure. We watch him outside pacing and yelling into his phone for about five minutes, before he re-enters the store.)

    Customer: “Yeah… can I please have an ignition module for a ’95 Olds Cutlass?”

    Deathly Out Of Touch

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Crazy Requests

    (A woman walks up to my counter.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the Necronomicon.” *a book that supposedly teaches you how to summon spirits*

    Me: “I think we have a copy over here.”

    (I take her over to the section, find the book, and pull it out for her.)

    Me: “Here it is!”

    Customer: *looks suspiciously at the book* “Do you have any other copies? You touched that one!”

    Me: “Um, yes, there is another copy on the shelf.”

    Customer: “Good! And that one hasn’t been touched by human hands?”

    Me: “…I’m pretty sure it has been touched, but it’s still shrink wrapped.”

    Customer: “No, that won’t do. Are you sure you don’t have another copy that hasn’t been touched?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m pretty sure all of our books have been touched by human hands.”

    Customer: “Darn. Well, call me if you get an untouched copy.” *leaves without giving me a phone number*

    Blowing A Lot Of Hot Air About A Lot Of Gas

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (On this particular morning, the other baristas and I have to evacuate the building due to a gas leak on an upper floor. We are outside on the patio, waiting for fire rescue to finish checking it out.)

    Customer: *walks up and tries to open the locked door*

    Me: “Ma’am! Please do not go in!”

    Customer: *pulls on the door again* “Why not? You’re supposed to be open!”

    Me: “We had to evacuate the building due to a gas leak!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have put up a closed sign!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we were instructed to exit the building as fast as possible so we didn’t have time.”

    (The customer leaves in a huff. Two hours later, after we have reopened:)

    Customer: “I can’t believe I had to come back because you guys were closed this morning!”

    Me: “…Sorry. Again, we had to evacuate the building so we didn’t die.”

    Customer: “Hmph!”

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