(A customer comes in the door and heads straight over to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you all sell pickles?”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry… do we sell what?”

Customer: “Pickles.”

Me: “Uh… no, we do not.”

Customer: “Darn. I coulda sworn you guys used to sell them here. Ah, well. Where are your blank cassette tapes?”

Me: “Uh, we don’t sell those, either.”

Customer: “Really? Well, what about batteries?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Greeting cards?”

Me: “Sir, this is a video rental store.”

Customer: “…So?”

(I work at a small casual dining restaurant. On this particular occasion, I am working on the drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi! May I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I want three tenderloins.”

Me: “Alright, and is ketchup, mustard, pickle, and onion okay on those?”

Customer: “No. On one, I want nothing.”

Me: “Okay, so plain?”

Customer: “Nothing but pickle.”

Me: “Okay, and on the other two?”

Customer: “On one, I want mayo and ketchup. But I want mayo on the top and ketchup on the bottom.”

Me: “No problem, sir.”

Customer: “No! I want mayo on both sides and ketchup on the bottom and whatever else in the middle.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t put anything in the middle of the tenderloin. So, do you just want ketchup and mayo?”

Customer: “No, I mean I want mustard and mayo. Mustard on the top and mayo on the bottom. Um, I mean mayo on the top and mustard on the bottom. Ketchup.”

Me: *confused* “Okay, sir.”

Customer: “On the other one, I want mayo on both sides then everything on the bottom.”

Me:  ”Okay, just to make sure I have your order right: you want one tenderloin with pickle only. You want another tenderloin with mayo on the top of the tenderloin and mustard on the bottom, then you would like a third tenderloin with ketchup, mustard, pickle, onion, and mayo on the bottom and then mayo on the top. Am I correct?”

Customer: “Yeah, the one with just mayo and mustard I want mayo on the top and ketchup on the bottom. I mean, I want mustard on the bottom. Do you have it?”

Me: “I believe I do, sir. Please pull forward.”

(Note: I’ve had another customer waiting at the window to pay as I took the confusing customer’s order, and she has heard everything. I take her money and apologize for the delay.)

Me: “I’m sorry that took so long. I’m still not sure if I know what he wants.”

Other Customer: “I don’t think HE knows what he wants!”

(A girl comes into our sandwich shop asking if we are hiring. I explain how to apply online, so she leaves a copy of a resume, thanks me, and leaves. 10 minutes later, the same girl reenters the store and orders a sub. My coworker serves her, but I overhear the entire exchange.)

Girl: “I want [sandwich] on wheat bread; a 6-inch. Put mayo on the bread.”

(The girl’s requests grow increasingly complex. She asks for an extra of everything, including a total of four requests for more mayo on the sub. By the end, there is probably half a bottle of mayo on the 6-inch sub. My coworker goes to close up and wrap the sandwich.)

Girl: “Hey, don’t you think that sandwich looks messy? I don’t want to eat that. Make me another one.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I made this sub exactly to your specifications. You asked for double veggies and 10 times the regular amount of sauce. If I remake your sub, the new one will look exactly like this, so I’m afraid can’t keep wasting product like that. We would be happy to give you extra napkins, though.”

Girl: “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to eat that ugly a** sub! MAKE ME A NEW ONE, D*** IT!”

(The girl storms out in a huff. Having recognized her as the same girl from earlier in the day, I immediately tore up her resume.)

Me: *to my coworker* “If she’s that rude when she’s asking for a job, imagine how bad it would be if she was an employee.”

(I work at a pet store that also offers boarding/day care services for dogs. We have three day camps, two of which are visible to customers inside and outside of the store. I am on my way back from a break when I notice a father, mother, and child standing in front of a window, looking into one of the day camps.)

Me: “Hello! I see you have noticed one of our day camp rooms. Do you have any questions about our boarding and day camp services?”

Father: “Yes, we do. What is that dog?” *points*

Me: “That would be Oso. He’s a real sweetheart.”

Father: “And what breed is he?”

Me: “He’s a Great Pyrenees mix.”

Mother: “We’ll take him.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Mother: “I SAID, we’ll take him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but these dogs are not for sale.”

Father: “What?”

Me: “All of these dogs are staying with us while their owners are out of town. Some of them, like Oso, only come in for a few hours every day because the owners don’t want them to be left home alone all day.”

Mother: “That’s ridiculous. Why would you have these dogs on display if they weren’t for sale?”

Father: “We’d like to purchase that dog. How much is he?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of these dogs are for sale. We do offer adoption services on weekends, so you are more than welcome to come back on Saturday and look at the puppies.”

Child: *whining* “I want the dooooggiiiiiiie!”

Father: “Yes, but we want THAT dog. How much is he?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but none of these dogs are for sale. They all have owners.”

Mother: “Then how about that dog?” *points at a different one*

Me: “I don’t know what that dog’s name is.”

Mother: “No, no, how much is that dog? If the first one isn’t for sale, then what about this one?”

Me: “Ma’am, NONE of the dogs are for sale. They ALL have owners.”

Mother: “Then why are you displaying them in the store if they aren’t for sale?!”

Child: “I WANT THE DOGGIE!”

Me: “Excuse me, but I need to clock back in from break. Let me get the manager…”

(When the store manager came by, they asked how much Oso was again. When they were told he was not for sale, the child threw a major temper tantrum, both of the parents starting yelling at the store manager, and they only left after the store manager threatened to call security.)

(I am dealing with a pushy customer; he’s submitted a trouble ticket but called in less than two minutes asking for an update.)

Me: “Sir, I am unable to give an ETA at this time. I am still looking into this issue.”

Customer: “So, you cannot give me an ETA?”

Me: “No, I am unable to give an ETA at this time.”

Customer: “When can I get an ETA?”

Me: “Sir, are you asking for an ETA on the ETA?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I will let you know when there are any further updates…”