(It’s been a long night, with a higher than average number of annoying customers. A couple comes through the till.)

Wife: “Oh, no. Don’t put the chips with the pop! It’ll get crushed.”

Husband: “Geez, don’t put the chips with the bread.”

Wife: “Oh, and keep the pickles away from the cans.”

Husband: “Can you double bag everything?”

(I finally sort through their numerous demands, they pay and leave. The next customer and last in line is buying just a few things, and has listened to the previous conversation.)

Customer: “Oh… can you put the bacon in a separate bag from the chips and pop?”

(I do.)

Customer: “Oh, and can you separate the chips and pop?”

(I do.)

Customer: “Can you double bag everything? It’s all pretty heavy, you know.”

(I stare, not sure if he’s serious.)

Customer: “And, can you put the receipt in a separate bag?”

(I smile at this point, and he laughs; it’s clear he was just joking. Everything goes in one bag. From this point on, ‘put the receipt in a separate bag’ becomes a euphemism for anyone making a series of ridiculous requests.)

(We have a convection oven for heating up pastries and sandwiches. Some people mistake it for a microwave oven. One day, a customer who has already purchased her drink comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but this drink is not hot enough. Can you heat this up in your microwave?” *points to our oven*

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t do that since that’s a convection oven. However, I can remake the drink to be hotter for you.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want you to remake it. I just want you to heat it up a little more. Are you sure you can’t do it?”

Me: “Ma’am, that thing we have over there is a convection oven. Your cup will catch on fire if I put it in there.”

Customer: *blankly stares at me for several seconds* “…So you can’t do it?”

Me: “Not unless you want your drink engulfed in flames.”

Customer: “Oh…” *leaves the store, still confused*

(I work in Parks and Recreation, and our very public number means that we get a lot of interesting phone calls. An older woman calls me. Please note that it takes her at least a minute to say each sentence.)

Me: “Parks and Rec, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to give you some ideas about going green.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

Caller: “Petunias. The city needs more petunias. Petunias everywhere.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, that sounds like a great idea. Our horticulturists are always looking for feedback from citizens.”

Caller: “I’m not done. I want every household to get a basket of petunias, and if they let them die we need to punish them.”

Me: “Um—”

Caller: “We can make the ethnics do it. It will create responsibility for the drug-heads and the gangster children.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, if I can just—”

Caller: “The petunias need to be protected. We need to have petunia gardens everywhere to create responsibility! It wouldn’t be hard, just go down to the prisons and make the ethnics—”

Me: “Okay! Thanks for calling! Goodbye!”

Customer: “I need some maps.”

Me: “Maps of what?”

Customer: “Places.”

Me: “What kind of places?”

Customer: “Other places!”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you could help me with installing my car stereo?”

Me: “Of course! If you like I can book you a time with my installer and we can get you in! When would be a good time for you?”

Customer: “Actually, I don’t want to spend any money on it. I just want a step by step instruction guide on how to do it without paying anyone.”

Me: “Oh, well unfortunately I don’t think we have anything to that effect, but our installer would definitely be able to have a look at it if you are having issues.”

Customer: “What kind of customer service is that? I want it done for free!”