Category: Crazy Requests

Some customers can be demanding, but within reason. These customers however make some requests that go beyond demanding, beyond reasonable, beyond possible! These requests, like the customers, are crazy!

Toiling In The Toilet

| TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with tonight?”

Customer: “Listen, this is going to be an odd request, but I need you to bring me some toilet paper.”

Me: *already knowing this is a prank call* “I wish I could, sir.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t you?”

Me: “Because I’m not at your house, sir.”

Customer: “No, see, I’m not at my house. I’m in the back.”

Me: “In the back… of one of our stores?”

Customer: “Yes. And there’s no toilet paper back here, so I need you to bring me some.”

Me: “Okay, sir. And which store are you located at?”

Customer: *sighs* “Listen… why are you playing games with me?”

Me: “I’m not, sir. I’m simply asking because the store you are in may not be located in the same place, or the same state, that I’m in.”

Customer: *long pause* “F*** it, I’m just going to use my hand.”  *click*

Trying To Copyright The Wrong

| ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(A customer comes to me a wallet sized photo of a baby that was clearly taken in a studio.)

Customer: “Can you enlarge this for me?”

Me: “Oh, was this taken by a professional?”

Customer: “Yes, of cour— No. No, it wasn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Unfortunately, without written permission from the photographer, I can’t copy it.”

Customer: “I don’t care about copyright.”

Me: “I do. Company policy says that we can’t copy any professional photos.”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t professional. The mother took it. Can you just show me how to do it in self-serve?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it looks professional, so I can’t assist you with it.”

Customer: “It’s not professional!”

Me: “It looks professional to me, so unfortunately, I can’t copy it.”

Customer: “Are you serious?”

Me: “Yes. I’m serious.”

Customer: *rudely* “Fine. Are you working tomorrow?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “UGH! Fine, I’ll just buy this then.”

(I meet her at the register to ring up her item.)

Customer: *in a snotty, ‘I’m better than you’ tone* “Life is too short to follow the rules.”

Me: “It’s also too short to get fired.”

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 17

| Fort Hood, TX, USA | Crazy Requests

(I am browsing the video game section of a big box retailer wearing normal clothes, with my five-year-old son in tow.)

Customer: “Excuse me; can you unlock this iPad for me?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t work here. But the guy over there—”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “Why can’t you unlock it for me?!”

Me: “Because I don’t work here?”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT AN EXCUSE!”

Related:
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 16
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 15
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 14

What Would Jesus Do For Free Wifi

| Toledo, OH, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion, Technology

(I used to work for an Internet broadband company, and in addition to technical questions, I would also have to be able to resolve billing issues. The customer who calls this time, however, has an interesting take on things:)

Me: “Let’s take a look at your account. Just give me one moment to call—”

Caller: MY INTERNET’S BUSTED!

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am; it will take just one moment. Ah, here we go. It seems that this account has not been paid on for three months, so we have suspended yo—”

Caller: “WHY’S MY INTERNET SHUT OFF?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can understand your frustration, but due to non-payment, we’ve suspended your account. However, if you would like to make a credit card payment over the phone, I can go ahead an—”

Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD! WHY IS MY INTERNET NOT WORKING?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t turn you back on until a portion of the balance is paid off. if you are able to make a partial payment o—”

Caller: “TURN ME BACK ON! I NEED MY INTERNET!” *in a suddenly quiet voice* “Jesus wouldn’t have turned me off.”

Me: *startled blink* “Pardon, ma’am?”

Caller: *gaining steam* “I said, Jesus wouldn’t have turned me off! I don’t have the money to pay for this, but he wouldn’t have shut me off!”

Me: “…I do apologize ma’am, but I don’t see where this is relevant to your overdue bill—”

Caller: “JESUS LOVED EVERYONE AND WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME FREE INTERNET!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you remember biblical quotes? Wasn’t it Jesus himself who said, ‘render unto Caesar, that which is Caesar’s, and render unto God, that which is God’s?'”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Anyway, I cannot turn you back on until you’ve made a payment.”

Caller: “LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “My pleasure!”

Can’t Subscribe To Their Way Of Thinking

| PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(Customer calls in to try and get a refund.)

Me: “Hello this is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I want a refund for my TV Weekly. I bought a subscription and I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, just give me one second to look into your account.”

(I access her account.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, unfortunately we will not be able to give you a credit on your account because—”

Customer: “Why the h*** not!?”

Me: “Well, as I was saying, it looks like you received every issue of your two-year subscription and it’s been a year since we sent you a renewal letter.”

Customer: “So what? I just told you; I didn’t like your magazine and I want my money back.”

Me: “Ma’am, according to your account we never received one call or complaint in the entire three years since you ordered the magazine.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t have the time to so I’m calling now.”

Me: “In three years you haven’t had the time?”

Customer: “Some of us have REAL jobs.”

Me: “Okay, well, then the charge shouldn’t be a problem; have a good day, ma’am.”

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