(We are located in a small strip mall. As I am checking out a customer, I see a police officer walk in and two fire trucks pull up. The officer comes up to me and ask if there is a manager around.)

Me: *to my manager* “Um…. the police are here. They said they need to talk to a manager.”

Manager: “I’ll be right there.”

(When she comes to the front, we find out that the building next to us has a gas leak. We make an announcement to evacuate the store. Outside the store is myself, the front manager, night manager, and two framers.)

Framer #1: “You know, I get the feeling a customer is going to ask what going on…” *motions to the fire trucks and the orange cones blocking the store’s entrance* “…and when we tell them, they will ask if we’re open.”

Framer #2: “Don’t be ridiculous!”

(Just then a female customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Oh my, what’s going on here?”

Me: “A gas leak happened next door. It’s starting to leak into ours.”

Customer: “Oh… so are you open?”

Me: *stunned* “Um, no we aren’t. We had to evacuate.”

(The customer huffs and grumbles about me being lazy. She then goes to the night manager, who tells her the same thing.)

Customer: “But that’s next door’s problem! Why is it yours!?”

Manager: “Because the gas is leaking into our store.”

Customer: “But I need to get something! Can’t you let me in?”

(This carries on, as both the front manager and the framers both explain to her why she cannot go in. The police officer walks over.)

Officer: “Ma’am, we cannot let you or anyone in. If you will be patient, the fire department will see what the levels are, and then we could possibly let you in.”

Customer: *huffs and storms off*

Framer #1: “I was only kidding when I said that!”

Framer #2: “You should know by now: when somebody becomes a customer, they lose all common sense.”

Related:
Fuming Over The Gas

(I am working in the music section of a department store.)

Customer: “I’m looking for a song, but I don’t know who it’s by.”

Me: “That’s okay. Do you remember how it goes or any of the lyrics?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Was it a male or female singer?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “What type of music was it? Fast, slow, rock, etc?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “Do you remember anything about the song?”

Customer: “I think it had an ‘A’ somewhere in it.”

(I’m a semi-regular patron of a local coffee shop. I witness this exchange taking place.)

Customer: “I’ll take a venti caramel machiatto, a venti iced peppermint mocha, and a venti butterscotch latte.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, we don’t offer any of those flavors apart from the peppermint mocha.”

Customer: “Well, of course you offer those. I was just looking at your online menu.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, we have never offered venti sizing. We just call it large. And we have never offered caramel machiatto or butterscotch lattes. I’m not sure any coffee shop offers butterscotch lattes.”

Customer: “I want a f***ing caramel machiatto and a butterscotch latte!”

Cashier: “If you’ll look at the menu, we do offer a salted caramel.”

Customer: “I don’t want a f***ing salted caramel. I can’t have salt; I’m on a no-salt diet. Let me speak to your manager.”

(The manager is called, and repeats the same thing the cashier has been saying.)

Customer: “I don’t understand why you won’t just f***ing make me my f***ing coffee order. It isn’t that difficult! Three venti coffees, one a caramel machiatto, one an iced peppermint mocha, and one a butterscotch latte. For f***’s sake, I order the same thing every day!”

Manager: “That isn’t possible, as we don’t offer two of those drinks. I think you want the [popular coffee chain] down the road.”

Customer: “No, I always come here and get those three drinks! I want my f***ing coffee and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

(Finally, I’ve had enough, and I speak up.)

Me: “Ma’am, they’ve told numerous times that they don’t offer those drinks. You don’t seem to get it, so I’m going to explain it again. This shop does not offer caramel machiattos or butterscotch lattes. They do not refer to their larges as ‘venti’. I’m sure they would be happy to make you a large iced peppermint mocha, but they cannot make you the other drinks. You would have to go somewhere else for them.”

Customer: “I’m not leaving until I get my f***ing drinks!”

Me: “Then you’ll be waiting an awfully long time. Meanwhile, there is a line behind you, and I’m now twenty minutes late for class, so if you would kindly get out of the way so I can order?”

(The customer mutters about the quality of service and swears not to come back, but leaves.)

Manager: *to me* “Whatever you’re getting, it’s on the house for getting rid of her. Just don’t try to order a venti.”

(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

Alum: “Can I use it?”

Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

(I work for a nationwide retail company. We do not price match or accept coupons from other stores. The company name is very similar to another company of the same type, and people often get them confused. I ring up a customer’s items and total the sale before she hands me a page of coupons from a similar company’s ad flyer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these coupons are from [other company].”

Customer: “Well, what is this?”

(I look down at my apron, which displays my company’s logo.)

Me: “This is [company name].”

Customer: *angrily* “Well, it says [other company] out on the sign!”

(I points to the sign by the street, which is visible from where we are standing.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I assure you that this is [company name].”

Customer: *shoves coupons back in her purse* “You guys should change your name!”