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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Crazy Requests

    Some customers can be demanding, but within reason. These customers however make some requests that go beyond demanding, beyond reasonable, beyond possible! These requests, like the customers, are crazy!

    There’s Nothing To Fear But Beer By Itself

    | Manteo, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (During the night shift at the 24-hour gas station, it’s against policy to have the store open from midnight to five if you’re working alone. My coworker hasn’t shown up, so I am doing some cleaning while the store is temporarily closed and locked. A customer bangs angrily on the door. After several mimes of miming ‘Sorry!’ and pointing to the ‘Closed’ sign, I open the door a crack, figuring she might be in trouble or have run out of gas.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Open the door!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. I’m not allowed to be open from midnight to five.”

    Customer: “You’re CLOSED?!”

    Me: “Yes! Well… is it an emergency?”

    Customer: “It is an emergency! I need beer!”

    Doesn’t Have The Balls

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a spay/neuter clinic. One of my responsibilities is to explain the procedure to the customers when they drop their pets off in the morning, and give them care instructions when they pick their pets up that afternoon. I am explaining proper care of the surgical site to a young woman who has had her dog neutered. I lift the dog up to show where his stitches are located.)

    Customer: “Oh my God! Where are his balls?!”

    Me: “We removed them, ma’am. That’s… that’s what neutering is.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! I thought you were just going to… I don’t know, tie his tubes or something.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but I explained the procedure to you this morning. When a dog is neutered, we remove the testicles.”

    Customer: “Can you put them back?”

    Me: “… I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Can you put his testicles back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid once they’re gone, they’re gone for good.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, where are they?”

    Me: “Where are…?”

    Customer: “His balls.”

    Me: “We… removed them.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but can I have them?”

    Me: “WHAT?!”

    Customer: “Can I, like, have them?”

    Me: “NO!”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Ma’am, they’re medical waste. We have to dispose of them properly by law.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because… of the law.”

    Customer: “Okay, whatever.”

    (After she’s gone, one of the other techs confirmed what he thought he had overheard from across the room.)

    Other Tech: “What on earth do you think she wanted to do with them?”

    Shaken About The Stirring

    | NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (We have a condiment bar right next to the door that offers various sugars, half & half, and other coffee additives that the customers can add themselves.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a decaf latte with two sugars, please.”

    Me: “Certainly. Our sugar is over by the door for your convenience.”

    Customer: “Oh, of course.”

    (I ring him up, and my coworker makes his latte and hands it to me. I place it on the counter for the customer, who comes up and proceeds to stare at me.)

    Me: “Yes? Is there anything else, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh! I’m so sorry.”

    (He runs across the shop to the door, picks out two packets of sugar, and then runs back and hands them to me expectantly.)

    Me: “You want me to add them?”

    Customer: “Of course!”

    Me: “…okay.”

    (I add the packets myself while he watches. I replace the lid and hand it back, but he continues to stare at me.)

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “The sugar is just going to settle at the bottom if you don’t stir it!”

    Me: “The stirrers are provided for you at the condiment bar, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, fine! I’ll just do it myself.”

    (He hustles out, grabbing a stirrer and clumsily trying to fix his coffee as he walks. My coworker stares at me.)

    Coworker: “Did he just make all the effort of running all over the shop, just to have you pour his sugar in?”

    Too Hot, Too Cold, Therein Lies The Rib

    | NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (A woman orders a rack of ribs. The menu clearly states that it is a FULL rack. When they are ready, I immediately bring them to her table.)

    Customer: “Oh, my God, this is too much! Why didn’t you tell me this was so big? Can you bring these back and ask the chef to cut them in half and put half of them in a box?”

    Me: “Oh, sure. I’ll be right back.”

    (I go to the kitchen and tell the chef the customer’s request.)

    Chef: “Doesn’t she know what a FULL RACK of ribs is?”

    Me: “Apparently not.”

    (He is annoyed, but cuts the rack in half, and boxes half. I bring the box and the remaining ribs back out to the customer.)

    Customer: “Um, miss! These are cold! Why are you serving me cold food?”

    Me: “Well, I’m very sorry; they must have cooled down while I was bringing them back and having him cut them for you. I would be happy to—”

    Customer: “Go tell him to heat them up in a microwave! I’m not eating cold food!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, right away.”

    (I bring the ribs back. The chef looks like he wants to murder me.)

    Chef: “What now?”

    Me: “She says they’re cold.”

    Chef: “Give me the ribs.”

    (He puts them in the microwave for two minutes, and they are piping hot when they come out.)

    Chef: “Here, this should make her happy.”

    (I bring the ribs back to the table a third time. The woman obviously sees the steam rising from the plate, but immediately grabs the ribs. She drops them, crying out in pain.)

    Customer: “Ow! Why are these so hot? Don’t you test the food before you bring it out to make sure it’s not too hot?”

    Me: “Uh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t have any way to test it. It should be cool enough to eat in just a few seconds.”

    Customer: “What do you mean you can’t test it? Just touch it!”

    Me: “You want me to touch your food? With my hands?”

    Customer: “Yes! I don’t see what’s so hard about that! You kids these days! Honestly!”

    Me: “Enjoy your meal, ma’am.”

    Sanity Hanging By A Shoe-String

    | Napa, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (I work in the sports store’s shoe department. A woman comes in with a group of seven kids behind her, and marches straight up to me.)

    Me: “Hello, and welcome to [store]; how can I help you?”

    Woman: “Yes, I need to get shoes for my kids.”

    Me: “Alright, I can help with that. Which children need shoes?”

    Woman: “All of them.”

    Me: “…all of them?”

    Woman: “Yes, each of them are a different size, too. I also want to get them each three pairs of shoes. Make sure all of the shoes are different, because they don’t want shoes that are like each others. And hurry it up, would you? I don’t have all day!”

    Me: *whimpers silently*

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