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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Do You Have Any ID-ea Who I Am?

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (A middle-aged customer approaches the counter with her male companion.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Did you find everything you needed?”

    Customer: “Mhm.” *texting*

    (I scan her items and take her card. I notice the back of the card isn’t signed.)

    Me: “Ma’am, can I see your ID?”

    Customer: “Hmm? I don’t have it on me. It’s in my car.”

    Me: “Well, I need to see ID before I can complete this transaction.”

    Customer: “Well… I don’t HAVE anything.”

    Me: “Then I can complete this transaction.” *hands back her card*

    Customer: “Wait! I still want this stuff!”

    Me: “Then maybe you can go to your car and get your ID?”

    (She just stares at me for a second.)

    Customer: “I don’t think I brought it.”

    Me: “Okay… Do you have something that has your signature on it so I can compare it to the one on the screen?”

    Customer: *thinks for a moment* “I could just sign my name on my card.”

    Me: “No, something like a library card that already has a signature on it. It’s required I check this for all customers’ security.”

    Customer: *looks at her companion and shrugs* “I don’t know. I’m me.”

    Me: “Yes, but I need to make sure that your identity matches the card.”

    (She starts looking distressed.)

    Customer: “Babe, tell her my name.”

    Man: “Yeah, that’s not what she means.”

    Me: “Here’s what I can do for you: I can go ahead and put these things on hold, put your name on it, and when you get back with your ID, you can let either me or whoever is at the cashier know you have items on hold.”

    Customer: “But I thought you said you had to verify my identity!”

    Me: “Yes, but I don’t need that to put things on hold. This doesn’t require a credit card.”

    Customer: “You could just write my name down and use that for my ID!”

    (The man actually sighs and holds his head in his hand.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but writing your name down isn’t going to cut it for ID.”

    Customer: “BUT I’M ME! I don’t know what else I can do to tell you that!”

    Me: “You can get your ID and show me that.”

    (This continues for several minutes. She threatens to go to another cashier. There isn’t one. I explain that every cashier checks ID every single time, even for small purchases and customers we personally know.)

    Me: *frustrated* “The ONLY forms of payment that don’t require an ID are cash and gift cards.”

    Customer: “But I don’t HAVE any cash!”

    Me: “Then you need your ID. I can’t help you until you either have cash or have your ID.”

    Customer: “Oh, but this card was a gift! *holding up her credit card* Soooo, I don’t NEED an ID!”

    Me: “No, THIS is a gift card.” *points to gift card display* “You have a credit card. Like I have been saying, I can’t help you until you get cash or have your ID.

    Man: Let’s just go get it from the car.”

    (The two of them bicker a little and finally leave. Another customer comes up, having seen the exchange.)

    Other Customer: “What a ding-dong! She should just pay with a check. Everyone knows you don’t need ID for those!”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, you do…”

    That Customer Is Trumped By THAT Customer

    | USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (In passing, I have noticed a sale on NERF products in my local store. I and some friends have been planning a NERF based event so I begin to empty the aisle. This takes place at checkout.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am? Shouldn’t these be ‘buy one get one free’?”

    Cashier: “No, sir, I believe the sale is ‘buy two get one free.’”

    Me: “Hmm… I think I’ll go look again to be sure. Do you mind holding my purchase for me?”

    Cashier: “Not at all, sir.”

    (I walk back over and sure enough the cashier knew what she was talking about. I walk back dejected at being THAT customer and as I return to line…)

    Cashier: “Sir, I can’t accept this. This is for [Unrelated Store].”

    Other Customer: “Oh… well, how about this?” *hands her a different card with a movie theater chain’s logo clearly on the front*

    Cashier: “No, I can’t take that either.”

    (This process repeats two or three more times before the gentleman pays and leaves.)

    Me: *as I walk up to the cashier again* “You know, I was just depressed about being THAT customer today. Now? I don’t feel quite so bad.”

    Cashier: “At least you can tell what store you’re in.”

    To Give Credit Where Credit Is Due, Part 2

    | Carmel, IN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (Part of my job is to offer our store’s loyalty card, which takes the form of a branded credit or debit card, to guests. I have just finished ringing up a guest’s transactions.)

    Me: “Have you heard about [Store Debit Card]?”

    Guest: “No, that’s okay; I want to avoid credit.”

    Me: “No, it isn’t a credit card. It just takes the money out of your checking like debit.”

    Guest: “No, I want to avoid credit.”

    (I try explaining this a couple more times before giving up. The guest swipes his bank card.)

    Guest: “It’s cancel for credit, right?”

    Related:
    To Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

    Been Called All The Names In The Hundred-Acre Wood

    | Jackson, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I have have been called just about every name in the book. I am refusing to sell beer to a customer who is too drunk.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you’re just too intoxicated and I can’t let you have it.”

    Drunk: “I’m not driving so what the f*** is your problem, fat-a**!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; can’t do it.”

    Drunk: “Come on, man. I won’t tell.”

    Me: *being very nice as it does really bug them when I don’t get mad* “Sorry, guy, still can’t sell.”

    Drunk: *getting REALLY UPSET* “You know what you are? You’re a Pooh butt! You’re a Winnie the Pooh butt!”

    (I’ve heard everything but not that, so I started laughing really hard which got him more and more upset. I told him that was the funniest thing I had ever been called and he got REALLY mad and just walked out.)

    Yesterday, All My Charities Were Far Away

    | Pinellas County, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (The theater company I work for does a charity promotion every summer where we ask customers to donate a dollar or their spare change. Every year, this exact occurrence never fails to happen multiple times on the first day of the promotion:)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to [Theater]!”

    Customer: “Yes, can I get three tickets for [Movie]?”

    Me: “Sure! Would you like to donate $1, or even your spare change, to [Charity]?”

    Customer: “What? No, I did that yesterday!”

    Me: *palmface*

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