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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Reading The Smoke Signal Loud And Clear

    | Columbus, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior

    (I’m working third-shift in a quiet part of town, when a car pulls up, a man steps out, walks in, and comes up to the counter.)

    Customer: “Pack of Marlboro Reds.”

    Me: “Sure thing. May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Your ID. I need to see it before I can sell you cigarettes.”

    Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me?”

    Me: “…no, sir. I need to see ID before I can sell you cigarettes.”

    Customer: “Look, I know this is a s***ty little town, but in a real city like Cleveland, they don’t ask people older than 18 for ID for just cigarettes.”

    Me: “Sir, I doubt that. I’m abiding by state law, and that applies in Cleveland, too.”

    Customer: “Just give me the smokes!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t do that without ID.”

    Customer: “You know what? You’re just some dumba** kid who works a s***ty job, and you’ll never amount to anything because you live in this piece of s*** town. If you had a real job or weren’t a total loser, you wouldn’t be such a piece of s*** about this. You won’t ever be anything in life, you f***.”

    Me: “That might be true, but, you know what I can do that you can’t?”

    Customer: “WHAT?”

    (I turn, grab a pack of my brand of cigarettes off the shelf, scan them, pull out my wallet, swipe my card, grab my receipt, open the pack, and slide a cigarette behind my ear, before pocketing the smokes and receipt.)

    Me: “I can buy cigarettes here.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU!”

    (He turns and storms out.)

    Me: “Have a great mornin’!”

    The Kind Of Customer We Want

    , | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

    (I pull in to a local fast food drive-thru.)

    Clerk: *through the speaker* “Hello and thanks for choosing [Company]. What will it be today?”

    Me: *I’ve already decided, so I give my order with no hesitation* “I’ll have [order] with a [drink].”

    Clerk: *playfully with a sassy tone* “All right! A man who knows what he wants.”

    (We finish the order process. I pull around and wait my turn, several cars deep, before I finally get to the window.)

    Clerk: “Hey! It’s the man who knows what he wants.”

    Me: *jokingly* “I’ve changed my mind.”

    Clerk: “Noooooooooo….”

    I’ll Take A Groot Beer

    | Cambridge, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (Sometimes we get customers in costumes who are in good humour if we name them instead of asking their name. We have a group come in who give themselves some DC-ent and MARVEL-ous names. I’m on the bar, making the drinks.)

    Me: *with the Batman cup* “Good luck with the night shifts, Dark Knight.”

    Batman: “Cheers!”

    Me: *Superman* “Who’s the Man of Steel?”

    Superman: “That would be me!”

    Me: “Sorry, dude. I don’t have chocolate; is Kryptonite okay?”

    Superman: “Go for it. It’s my day off.”

    Me: *Rocket cup, looking at the last in the group* “Are you Rocket?”

    Rocket: “I am Groot.”

    Number Of The Beastly Coincidences

    | Uckfield, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Holidays, Money

    (I work in a small corner shop. It is Halloween and we’ve been busy on-and-off with kids making their way around the estate and trick-or-treating, and coming in to buy drinks. I’m approached by a kid I estimate to be in his early teens.)

    Me: “Hey, kiddo! Having fun?”

    Kid: “Yeah, not a bad haul so far. Just a bit thirsty; nobody hands out drinks!”

    Me: “No, I suppose they’re bulkier and more expensive, too.”

    Kid: “Yeah you’re probably right and th—” *sees the total on my screen* “Aww £6.67? Come ON! Could you give me a penny discount?”

    Me: “Er….

    Kid: “Guess my maths isn’t as good as I thought. I wanted it to be £6.66 for Halloween!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not authorised to give discount unless the items are damaged but [Similar Drinks] are a penny cheaper so you could swap out one of your [Original Items] if it really bothers you that much?”

    Kid: “Yes, please! One sec while I take this back and swap it!”

    (By this point there’s a small queue and the boy’s friends, who are waiting outside and clearly can’t hear what he’s doing but see him sprint back to the fridges, yell through the door for him to hurry up.)

    Me: “Okay, buddy! That’s now £6.66.”

    Kid: “Thanks! Can I get a receipt?”

    Me: “Sure, have a good Halloween!”

    (As the kid approaches the door he starts waving his receipt at his friends.)

    Kid: “Guys! GUYS! LOOK! Weirdest coincidence ever! I just grabbed some random drinks and the total was £6.66. How spooky is that?!”

    (The customer behind him turned to me and just raised her eyebrows!)

    The New Job Is Very Loki

    | Oneonta, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (I have been working at the store for a few months. I haven’t had the funds for a haircut, thus my hair is fairly long. I also am sporting a full beard. A couple and their young son come to my register and I ring them up.)

    Me: “That’ll be [total].”

    Child: *who has been staring at me* “Um… excuse me…”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Child: “Are you Thor?”

    Me: *trying not to crack* “Yes, son, I am. I’m actually on an undercover mission from my father, Odin, hunting for Loki. He may be in disguise. Let me know if you see him, all right?”

    Child: “YES, I WILL! WOW! WAIT UNTIL I TELL EVERYONE AT SCHOOL I MET THOR!”

    (It was the highlight of that job. I kept the Thor voice the whole time and his parents gave me the most grateful smiles!)

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