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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    The Heavenly Penny Finally Dropped

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Funny Names, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a small local library. A patron comes up to the front desk with a mischievous look in his eye. He plunks down a stack of movies.)

    Patron: “I didn’t know you guys had stuff like this.”

    (Not everyone knows that we lend videos and music, so I start on my standard ‘things you can get from the library’ spiel.)

    Patron: “No, man, I know about that! I meant porn!”

    Me: “Wha?”

    Patron: “Like this one, here!”

    (He holds up an old VHS.)

    Patron:Penis from Heaven!”

    Me: “‘Pennies,’” sir. It’s Pennies from Heaven.”

    Patron: “Oh. Well, you can keep it, then.”

    All Madness, No Meth(od)

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m the evening manager. Customer #1 is buying an odd mix of items that are frequently used in meth production. He’s also buying spray paint, which is clearly labeled on the shelf and register that we require photo identification to validate age, due to city laws.)

    Cashier: “With the spray paint, I need to see identification, sir.”

    Customer #1: “F*** you, b****! You ain’t stealing my identity!”

    Cashier: “Sir, I cannot sell spray paint without seeing your ID. I can put the paint back if you’d rather not buy the paint.”

    Customer #1: “I’m buying the paint! B****, you can sell me my paint!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to ask you to leave.”

    (As I am talking, I see another customer in the back, starting to dial his phone.)

    Customer #1: “B****! Think you can f*** with me? Here’s my identi-f*****-cation!” *throws wallet at cashier* “I’ll get that back after you close!” *storms out the door*

    Customer #2: “I’ve called the cops already. Do I need to step out so you can lock the store?”

    Me: “Nah. We have video and I now have his wallet. Plus, he’s still in his car. Plate is [number].”

    (The other customer relayed the number to dispatch. As the cops pulled in, Customer #1 ran to the back. The cop announced he had a dog, and let the dog go. Apparently the customer thought the dog and cop wouldn’t see him lying on the dumpster lid.)

    Smelly Cat Lady, Smelly Cat Lady, What Are They Feeding You

    | UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bizarre, Health & Body

    (It is a Tuesday late night, which everyone dreads, because of the infamous ‘Cat Lady’. She is a very lovely, quiet, but friendly lady but has one of the least pleasant aromas that I have ever experienced.)

    Manager: *to Cat Lady* “Ma’am, I am just about to close. Please, can you go down to [My Name]’s checkout.”

    (Cat Lady nods and smiles, and goes down my checkout. She places her few items on the conveyer belt and I can already start to smell her as she comes up to me.)

    Me: *under my breath* “Oh my god, [Manager]. I can’t believe you did that!”

    Manager: “Just wait, okay?”

    (Cat Lady is about to reach me. Just as she does, my manager grabs a pot of fresh basil that had been left earlier that day and thrusts it into my face.)

    Manager: “[My Name], smell this basil! It’s such a nice smell!

    Cat Lady: “Wow, it’s so nice that you all appreciate the produce here!”

    Going All Godzilla On You

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (Two Caucasian customers, wearing sweatshirts from a local university, walk in to our Chinese restaurant.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Name] Chinese restaurant. What can I get for you?”

    Customer #1: “I’m here to pick up an order for [Name].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you asked for delivery when you placed the order. The food left for [address] 15 minutes ago.”

    Customer #1: “Ouch. Can you have the driver come back?”

    Me: “The driver has two other deliveries, so it will be another half an hour.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t want to wait that long. Tell the driver to give it to one of the homeless people near [University].”

    (At this point, Customer #2, who has been silent the whole time, starts screaming.)

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “Yo, man. I want my food. Make this a**-hole give me some food!” *to me* “Jap b****, give me my godd*** food. Didn’t the A-bomb teach you b******s some respect?”

    (Customer #2 then makes a number of additional ethnic slurs against the Japanese.)

    Bystander: “Hi, there. I’m sorry to interrupt your tantrum, but I’ve had enough of it and I’d like for you to leave.”

    Customer #1: “I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s gotten into him.”

    Customer #2: “I’m not leaving without my food. You can’t make me leave. You’re not the manager!”

    Bystander: “You’re right. I can’t make you leave the restaurant. I can, however, make you leave [University], being that I’m the provost.”

    (Customer #2 goes pale and bolts out of the restaurant!)

    Wiggled Out Of That One

    | West Chester, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

    (I am the stupid customer in this one. I have just bought a wig from a friend for a costume I am working on and am wearing it to break it in and get used to the feel. I am also wearing contacts, but keep my glasses in my pocket in case the contacts begin to irritate me. I go to a local corner store for a pack of cigarettes.)

    Cashier: “May I see your ID?”

    Me: (*gives ID*)

    Cashier: “…um. Sir, this isn’t you.”

    Me: “What do you mean it’s– Oh, s***. One moment.”

    (I remove the wig and put on my glasses.)

    Me: “Better?”

    Cashier: (*confused*) “I, um… Sure, that’s a match.”


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