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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Thank You For Coming In But Not Really

    | GA, USA | At The Checkout, Holidays

    (Our store, unlike our competitors, is open every day but Christmas. It is Thanksgiving. I’m the bagger.)

    Customer: “What are you doing open on Thanksgiving?”

    Me: “Well, this store stays open for normal hours every day but Christmas.”

    Customer: “That’s not good; you should be with your family.”

    (We have been keeping track of how many people say this, something that frustrates us as we would LOVE to be home.)

    Me: “Well, as long as it is profitable to be open today, the store is open.”

    Customer: “That’s too bad; its a shame they make you work today.”

    Me: *to the cashier, after customer leaves* “I think my comment about the profitable was too subtle. Don’t these people realize we are only open because they come to buy things?”

    (That day we counted around 200 people saying it was a shame we were working on Thanksgiving.)

    That’s How You Wish The Cookie Crumbled

    | Acton, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (I am on checkout.)

    Customer: *notices the shopping carts full of items other customers didn’t want* “What are all those?”

    Me: “These are things other people decided they didn’t want.”

    Customer: *looks confused* “That’s strange.”

    Me: “Well, it’s better that they bring them up here for us to put away then leave them on a random place on the shelf.”

    Customer: *looks confused and surprised* “Why would people do that? Why not just put it back where they found it.”

    Me: “They’re lazy? Or they can’t find where it goes.”

    Customer: *quietly looks confused*

    Me: “Have you ever worked retail?”

    Customer: “No, never.”

    Me: “…Huh. Normally it’s only people who’ve worked retail that do that, because they know what it’s like.” *I finish bagging their stuff and give them their receipt* “Here you go. Have a good holiday.”

    Customer: “Thank you. You, too.”

    Me: *to myself* “We need something like cookies we can give out to good customers.”

    God Loves Little Boys Who Stand Up For Others

    | Bath, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top

    (I and my seven-year-old son are shopping for a birthday present for a girl in his class. She’s asked for dressing up clothes or accessories so we get a wand, tiara, and jewellery. I also have our regular shopping in the trolley. We get to the tills and there’s at least a three person queue at each till. We join a queue and have waited a couple of minutes when my son puts the tiara on and waves the wand.)

    Son: *in a “posh” voice* “I’m the Queen and I say this line should move faster!”

    (I and a few others smile at his playfulness when a man in line at the next till yells at me.)

    Man: “You can’t let your son do that. If he turns into a f****t it’ll be your fault.”

    (Everyone stops and stares at him in horror whilst the cashiers call for a manager.)

    Son: “What’s a f****t?”

    Me: “It’s a nasty word that only nasty people use so you mustn’t say it.”

    Man: “It means gay, kid.”

    Son: “What’s gay?”

    Man: “It means you’re bad and going to Hell for being evil.”

    Me: “It’s when a man loves a man and a lady loves a lady.”

    Son: “Oh, like Uncle James and Uncle Ian?”

    Me: “Yep, just like Uncle James and Uncle Ian. They’re not bad, are they?”

    (My brother is a paediatric oncologist and his partner is a paediatric nurse. We’ve tried to explain what cancer is and how my brother and his partner make children feel better when they’re poorly.)

    Son: “My uncles make children better when they have poorly blood and poorly bones. If you make them go to Hell that means you want the children to be poorly.”

    (The manager and a security guard turn up but my son looks this man in the eye and holds his stare.)

    Son: “Do you want the children to be poorly? Do you want them to be sick and have to go to Heaven?”

    (Everyone is now staring at my son. The man has gone red and is looking around.)

    Manager: “Sir, I believe you’ve just been outwitted by a child. You should leave now and keep your disgusting views to yourself and out of my shop.”

    (The manager offered to pay for our shopping but I declined. He did, however, offer my son a toy. He chose a dress for his friend’s present.)

    Related:
    God Loves Little Girls Who Stand Up For Others

    If You Put Your Mind To It

    | Switzerland | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

    (I work part time in a store that sells sweets and little toys. A man in his mid-twenties walks in.)

    Customer: “I’d like to buy this. How much would that be?” *points at an item*

    Me: “That would be [Price].”

    Customer: “So. I’m thinking about [Price] right now. I take it out of my mental savings account and mentally transfer it to you. How about that?”

    Me: *puzzled* “Uhm…”

    Customer: “Did you get it?”

    Me: “Uhm… No, I didn’t get it. I work with real money here.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy it with my mental money! Can’t I buy it like this? I’m imagining it really, really hard right now! I WANT THIS!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t help you with that.”

    Customer: “Well, at least I tried.”

    Needs To Learn About Togetherness

    | WI, USA | At The Checkout, Underaged

    (Two customers come up to my register together with a bottle of brandy; both look young so I move to card them both.)

    Me: “Can I see your IDs, please?”

    Customer #1: “Oh, she’s not buying anything.”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter. If you’re together, I need to see both of your IDs before I can sell this brandy to you.”

    Customer #1: “We’re not together.”

    Me: “Then how do you know she isn’t buying anything?”

    Customer #1: “Well, she’s not holding anything, so I just assumed… We’re not together!”

    Customer #2: “I’m just his ride!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t matter. I cannot sell to you since you are together.”

    (At this point they exchange a look that makes it very clear that they’re trying to pull one on me and that Customer #2 is, in fact, underage.)

    Customer #1: “But we’re not together!”

    Me: “She just said she’s the one who drove you here.”

    Customer #1: “This is complete garbage! I have never heard of this stupid f***ing rule! No one’s ever done this to me before. We’re not even together!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It’s state law that I can only sell if I have IDs from everyone in the group.”

    Customer #1: “But we’re not together!”

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