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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Sugar And Spice And Naughty And Nice

    | Bloomfield Hills, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Movies & TV

    Customer: *after purchasing tickets and popcorn* “And I need to get my husband a drink. Give me a bottle of water. Or… what do you have that’s not naughty?”

    Me: “Um, naughty like… ‘sex on the beach?’”

    Customer: “No. Just without any high-fructose crap. Saccharine is fine, aspartame isn’t…”

    (She begins to look at the options in our cooler as her husband, wearing a ‘live free or die’ hat, enters.)

    Customer: “Get something to drink. Something not naughty.”

    Customer’s Husband: *to me* “You got Coke products?”

    Me: “Yes. We have fountain drinks which have HFCS, and the bottled drinks are all cane sugar. So they aren’t, um, quite as naughty.”

    Customer: “Oh, he’ll just have a bottle of water.”

    Me: “Okay. So that’s two bottles of water? One for him and one for you?”

    Customer’s Husband:  ”I think I’ll have a Cherry Coke.”

    Customer: “Cherry Coke? What are you, 12?”

    Customer’s Husband:  ”We’re at a movie!”

    Customer: “But it’s NAUGHTY!”

    Customer’s Husband:  ”Fine. Make it a small.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll be in the theater while you’re getting diabetes! WITH MY WATER!”

    (I prepare the Cherry Coke for him and ring it up.)

    Me: “Live free or die, man. Here’s your drink.”

    A Pint-Sized Understanding

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Customer: “I’ll just take a pint, please.”

    Me: “Sure, what would you like a pint of?”

    Customer: “I just want a pint.”

    Me: “Yes. but what would you like?”

    Customer: “I want a pint. You work in a bar. How do you not know what a pint is?”

    Me: “Sorry. A pint is a unit of measurement; I am just asking what you would like a pint of.”

    Customer: “I DON’T KNOW! JUST GIVE ME A PINT!”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (I got him a pint of water. He was not happy.)

    Stamping Out Stamp Fraud

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (A customer and his two teenage children come into the store at the beginning of every month, when they get their food stamps. We don’t sell a lot of food – being a drugstore – but we have basic essentials like bread and milk, and also candy. Every month, they would spend their food stamps on the most expensive candy we have. A few days later, they would return it, without the receipt, which rewards them with a store gift card. They would then use the gift card to get things they really wanted. It takes several months of the same cashier/manager combination to figure this scam out, because they try to buy and return from different cashiers at different times of the day. When we finally catch on, the next time they try to return items for a gift card, they were informed that we would NOT be giving them a gift card, nor accepting the return.)

    Customer: “Why not!? I return things here all the time! I’m a regular customer!”

    Manager: “You are returning food items that you bought with food stamps in order to get non-food items for free. That is a violation of the terms of the food stamp program. Goodbye.”

    Customer: *as he and his children are stomping off* “Well, we are NEVER coming here again!”

    (It was only three weeks until they were in the store again! Way to teach your children, Dad!)

    The Not So Smooth Path To A Smoothie

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I work at a coffee shop that also sells smoothies. On the smoothie menu board there is a note saying all smoothies come with a banana, protein, etc.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like two strawberry smoothies and these bananas please.”

    Me: “Sure thing. Would you like a bag for your bananas today?”

    Customer: “No, could you actually add them to the smoothies for me?”

    Me: “All smoothies come with a banana. Did you want to add an extra banana?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I thought the sign meant we had to purchase our own bananas for the smoothies.”

    (I give him a refund for the bananas and he leaves happily while my crew and I try to hold back laughter.)

    Not Noteworthy Enough For A Return

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (I work as a cashier in a drugstore. I see a customer come in the front door empty handed as he goes to the back of the store. He comes to me with a pricey protein pack.)

    Customer: “I want my money back for that protein pack. It’s $60.”

    Me: “Do you have your invoice?”

    Customer: “No, I forgot it at home.”

    Me: “I can’t pay you back.”

    Customer: “Keep it for me. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

    (The customer comes back 15 minutes later.)

    Customer: “I didn’t find the receipt, but I’m going to buy it instead.”

    Me: “It’s going to cost $60.”

    (The customer hands me a $100 bill.)

    Me: “I can’t accept that. It’s a fake.”

    Customer: “No, I’m sure it’s real. How can you tell?”

    Me: “You only printed it on one side, and it’s black and white.”


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