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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Wise To The Pennywise

    | Dallas, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Money

    (I am a customer waiting in line. There is only one register open, and the woman before me with her five grown children only has five items. The cashier gives the woman her total.)

    Customer: “That’s not right. You didn’t add the coupons.”

    Cashier: “I did, ma’am. They were on [item #1] and [item #2]. The coupons do not apply to already discounted items.”

    Customer: “But it should be less. You’re cheating me out of $1.20!”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, your coupons did apply. You had two of them and they went to the two items not on sale. The other three items were on sale.”

    Customer: “This isn’t fair! You see me with these kids?” *she gestures to her five grown children wandering around the aisle* “I have to feed them tonight! I need that money! You are cheating me!”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, I can go over the receipt with you to show you exactly how the register calculated your total. Or I can return the items if you need the money.”

    Customer: “No! I know I am right!”

    (This goes on for 15 minutes, with the line behind me building. A manager is called up to explain that there was no error, but the customer keeps insisting. The manager tries to get the cashier onto another register to help the line, but the customer is refusing to let anyone leave their spot.)

    Customer: “You’re cheating me out of my money! I should call your head office. You are cheating a poor mother so she can’t feed her kids. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: *fed up* “Ma’am, if it’s that big of a deal, I’ll give you $1.20 to cover your purchase. In fact, we can start up a collection. Everyone! This poor woman is unable to pay for some of her order, and she needs every penny that she can to feed her kids. Let’s ignore the fact that all of them are holding iPhone 5s and the three young ladies have Coach and Gucci bags that are probably worth more than what any of us make in a month. This woman can’t afford to feed them, and is spending her money on general crafting supplies. Who would like to help me pay for the $1.20 that she can’t cover on her purchase?”

    (The customer starts fuming and stomps off without her items; her wide eyed kids walking behind her in shock. I was called up to the register a moment later.)

    Cashier: “Thank you…”

    Me: “No need. I have dealt with b****es like that for years. I’ve always wanted to do that and not worry about getting fired!”

    Can’t Play That Card With Me

    | LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

    Customer #1: *not even looking at me* “Turn on pump number four.”

    (The customer starts to walk out but I call after her.)

    Me: *smiling politely* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that. You have to prepay for gas or leave a deposit.”

    Customer #1: *holding out debit card* “I’d like to prepay for $40 in gas, then.”

    Me: *still smiling* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our system is a bit outdated so I can’t prepay fuel with a debit or credit card. However, if you’d like, you can pay with cash or I can hold your card and—”

    Customer #1: *snottily* “I’m not giving you my card! You’ll steal my information! Just turn the damned pump on! Jesus, you’re f****** stupid! You’re the only person here who won’t turn on the god-d*** pump for me!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if I’m the only person who won’t turn the pump on for you, then I’m the only cashier here who is doing her job properly. And you can just leave. Now. You have your nasty attitude to thank for that.”

    (She stares at me, seemingly at a loss for words, but she doesn’t leave so I expect her to make a scene as soon as she can speak again. But before she can open her mouth, another customer, who heard the whole exchange, walks up to the counter and speaks to the woman.)

    Customer #2: “I know it’s not any of my business but do you ever go to nice, sit-down restaurants?”

    Customer #1: *scoffs* “Why, of course I do!”

    Customer #2: “So what’s the difference in a waiter or waitress taking your card and walking off with it and you leaving it here with this young lady? Are you trying to say that just because she works at a convenience store that she’s a thief? Or that maybe restaurants have higher standards for employee? Trust me, lady, if that’s your logic, it’s very, very flawed.”

    (The woman opens and closes her mouth several times but obviously can’t come up with a good argument because she turns around and storms out of the store.)

    Customer #2: *smiles* “That felt really good.”

    Cookies Are The Devil

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Religion

    (In the sandwich shop where I work, we have a daily special for a different six-inch sub each day. If you order two specials, the total, including tax, will always come out to $6.66. On this day, two elderly ladies come in wearing nun’s wimples and veils.)

    Nun #1: “Hello, dear. I’d like a six-inch [special], please.”

    Nun #2: “Oh, that sounds good! I’ll have the same.”

    (I make the sandwiches and go to the register to ring them up.)

    Me: “Okay, your total comes to $6.66.”

    Nun #1: “Well, I’d say that’s the Lord’s way of telling us to get dessert! We’ll take two cookies, please!”

    Will Pay For That Later

    | ND, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money

    (I’m making a big coupon trip to a big-box retailer, a really big trip I’ve been planning for the better part of a week. I have a couple hundred items in my cart, and just as many coupons that need to be scanned. As the cashier starts scanning, I let anyone who gets in line behind me know that I have a lot of coupons and that my checkout will take a while so they might want to get in another line. They all decide to go to another line, until…)

    Me: “I’ve got a few hundred coupons that are going to need to be scanned after he’s done ringing up my items.” *waves big stack of coupons* “So this will be a while. You might want to get in another line.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do. This register has the shortest line. I’m checking out here.”

    Me: “All right, just wanted to let you know the coupons were going to take a bit to scan.”

    (In a few minutes, the cashier has finished ringing up all my items.)

    Cashier: “Your total is $1,760.43.”

    Me: “Okay. Here are my coupons.”

    (The customer behind me groans loudly and mutters something about ‘people who can’t afford to just buy things.’ As the cashier continues to scan my coupons, she gets more pissed off and more impatient.)

    Me: “I’m sorry this is taking so long. This is why I suggested you might want to get in another line.”

    Customer: “YOU should have gotten in another line, you dumb b****! I don’t know who the f*** you coupon b****es think you are, making those of us who work for a living wait for you so you can get 50 cents off your stupid crap. You’re just wasting my time, you stupid b****!”

    (The rant continues while the cashier continues to scan my coupons. The cashier and I just roll our eyes at each other about the woman’s behavior and let her rant at us. Finally, after about 15 minutes, the cashier scans the final coupon and announces my savings.)

    Cashier: “All right, so from $1,760, you’re down to $132.73, and you’ve earned $245 in gift cards. Thank you for shopping at [Store]!”

    Me: “Thank you for your patience. Have a great day!”

    (I grab my bags and start to head out when the woman behind me yells for me. I turn.)

    Customer: “So, do you, like, teach people how to do this?”

    Me: “Yes, I absolutely do, but dumb coupon b****es like me shouldn’t take up the time of people who work for a living like you, so I wouldn’t be able to help you. Enjoy paying for your things!”

    Sums Up The Point Quite Nicely

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Money

    (A customer comes up to my register ranting about how “Kids today don’t know math!” I’m in high school.)

    Customer: “Kids today are just so ignorant! I’ll bet this girl here doesn’t even know any basic math!”

    (She then starts quizzing me on mental math as I’m trying to ring out her order. By the grace of God, I get all of them right.)

    Customer: “Well, I guess you’re the exception to the rule, then.”

    (She then counts out her change for me.)

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “Your total was $10.60. You only gave me $10.50. I think you miscounted.”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “Oh.”

    (She quickly recounts her change and leaves.)

    Coworker: “That was the best thing ever.”

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