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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | At The Checkout

    (I am bagging a lady’s order when she asks me to go find some unflavored enhanced water drink for her–you know, the trendy, minimally flavored waters that come with vitamins.)

    Me: “Ma’am, [enhanced water drink] doesn’t come in unflavored. Is there something else I can get you?”

    Customer: “Yes, the unflavored one. You know, it has zero calories and no sugar.”

    Me: “Is it still carbonated?”

    Customer: “No, it’s uncarbonated too!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just called water.”

    (I end up selling her a 24 pack of spring water.)

    The Gaze Of Amnesia

    | New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout

    (I work at a grocery store and have just rung up a middle aged man’s groceries. He has a very heavy Spanish accent.)

    Me: “Do you have a bonus savings card, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ll give you my phone number to look it up. 973…umm…hold on.”

    Me: “Would you like me to put the store card in for you?”

    Customer: “No! I forgot my phone number! I’ve had the same phone number for 27 years. Then, I take one look into your beautiful green eyes and I forget!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I can put a store card number in for you. You
    will get all of the same discounts.”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    (He then repeats the phone number over and over again until he gets the right one. Every time he’s come back to the store, I have to avoid looking him in the eye so he doesn’t forget.)

    Here Or There Or Anywhere

    | Cornwall, UK | At The Checkout

    (We have a big sign on the bakery counter with an arrow saying “Please Pay At The Till”. Despite this, a lot of people think they can pay at the counter.)

    Me: “Next, please.”

    Customer: “Hey, you haven’t taken my money yet!”

    Me: “Oh, sorry. If you’d like to take everything over to the till, you can pay there.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous. I’d like to pay here!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t have a till behind here.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just give you the money and you can put it through the till later?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I’m not allowed to do that.”

    Customer: “Well, fine!”

    (I watch as she walks to the left, past cashier and the “Please Pay Here” sign, eventually standing at an empty counter. The cashier continues to serve people lined up at his till. She finally turns to glare at me, whilst I serve other customers at the bakery counter.)

    Customer, to cashier: “Well, aren’t you going to come and take my money?”

    Cashier: “If you come over to this till, I can do that for you.”

    Customer: “Well, finally. At least someone around here knows how to do their job!”

    Limited Only By Your Intelligence

    | Iowa City, IA, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    Customer: “Is there a limit to the cash I can get back?”

    Me: “Yes, the limit is 50 dollars.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. It says I can put in a number rather than one of the options?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s true.”

    (The machine pops up an alarm saying that the cash back limit has been passed.)

    Customer: “I asked for 60 back. Did that confuse it?”

    Me: “Yes, the limit is 50 dollars.”

    Customer: “Oh, I thought that by putting in my own number, I could bypass the limit.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the limit is always 50 dollars.”

    Customer: *re-swipes card* “I see. The limit is 40 dollars.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. The limit is 50 dollars.”

    Customer: “But the options given only go up to 40.”

    Me: “Yes, but you can put up to 50 dollars in the custom number option.”

    Customer: “No, that doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Yes, it does but you have to put less than 50. 50 is the limit.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you know what you’re talking about and I–”

    (The transaction finishes processing.)

    Me: “Here’s your 40 dollars. Have a nice day, ma’am.”

    Unfortunately, Stupidity Is Forever

    | Pennsylvania, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Top

    (I have reddish brown hair with the underside dyed teal. Today, my hair is up in a clip, which makes it very visible.)

    Customer: “Ugh, why would you do that to yourself?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, do what?”

    Customer: “Dye your hair that awful color! Are you that desperate for attention?”

    Me: “No, teal is just my favorite color, and it makes me happy. And the great thing about hair is that it isn’t permanent.”

    Customer: “I don’t get you rebellious teenagers.”

    Me: “I’m 24 and very happily married. I’m not trying to rebel against anyone or anything. I just like teal, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What are you going to tell your kids when they ask why mommy has blue hair?”

    Me: “Oh, it’ll definitely be gone by then.”

    Customer: *walks out with a big tramp stamp sticking out from the bottom of her shirt*

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