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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!


    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Math & Science

    Me: “Ma’am, would you like a bag to carry any of these items?”

    Customer: “No, I’m an environmentalist. I don’t want to add to destroy our environment.”

    Me: “Ma’am, security for this store requests that everyone at least receive a bag to know that you’ve bought items here.”

    Customer: “You can’t tell me that I have to take a bag and I won’t have it. I refuse to contribute to the garbage problem!”

    Me: “Fine, would you like to keep these hangers that your clothes came with?”

    Customer: “No, just throw them out.”

    Not Exactly Gifted, Part 2

    | Orange County, CA, USA | At The Checkout

    (A 12-year-old boy, comes up to the counter, holding a gift card.)

    Customer: “How much is this?”

    Me: “As much or as little as you want on it.”

    Customer: “But what does it do?”

    Me: “You give it to people as gifts. It has money on it.”

    Customer: “How much?”

    Me: “Like I said, as much or as little as you want.”

    Customer: “Can I get $10?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I ring up the gift card.)

    Me: “That’ll be $10.”

    (He hands me $1.35.)

    Me: “This isn’t enough. I need $10.”

    Customer: “I only have that.”

    Me: “Then you can’t get the gift card.”

    Customer: “But, you said I could do any amount!”

    Not Exactly Gifted

    Cash Back, Government Style

    | United Kingdom | At The Checkout

    Me: “Okay, that’s £10.00 please.”

    Customer: *handing me cash* “Could I have £10 cash-back as well, please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you need to pay on your card to get cash-back.”

    Customer: “Oh, do you?”

    Me: “Yes, otherwise we’d just be giving you money.”

    Making Phoney Claims

    | Calabasas, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (A female customer has just left the store after receiving her order. She then returns, extremely agitated.)

    Customer: “My phone is missing!”

    Me: “Did you leave it in the store?”

    Customer: “Of course not! I’m not stupid. It was in my car!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no one’s turned in a phone.”

    (The customer then proceeds to search all over the not-exactly-large shop, including overturning the wastebasket in the restroom and questioning other patrons. Meanwhile, I take my rather expensive touch-screen phone to check the time.)

    Customer: “Hey, that’s my phone!”

    Me: “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! People who work someplace like this can’t afford phones like that! Is that why you made my order take so long? So you could steal my phone?”

    Me: “Are you saying while your coffee was being made, I snuck out the back door, ran around the building, found the one car in the parking lot that belonged to you, broke in, stole your phone, and got back in time to help the next customer in line?”

    Customer: “So you admit it! I’m calling the police!”

    How To Ensure A Blanc Stare

    | Ypsilanti, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (A elderly couple come through my counter with some wine.)

    Me: *joking around* “Are you sure you two are old enough to have this tonight?” *holds up wine*

    Customer: “Kid, I have underwear old enough to buy that.”

    Customers Wife: *laughs hysterically*

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