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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Love Thy Culturally Homogenous Neighbor

    | Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Religion

    Me: “I hope you’ve found everything to your liking!”

    Customer: “Oh, thank you, I have! It’s so nice to meet a polite Christian girl nowadays! You know, it’s always best to love thy neighbor.”

    Me: “Oh, actually, I’m not Christian. But yes, I agree.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, as long as you love Jesus our savior!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m Muslim and Jewish.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Well, my mother is Jewish and my father is Muslim.”

    Customer: “Oh. When I said ‘love thy neighbor,’ I didn’t mean you!”

    One Mother, One Cup

    | Springfield, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Money

    Customer: “Hi I need to return this.” *hands over an opened and clearly worn jock cup*

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, this is a completely non-returnable item.”

    Customer: “I called and you said your return policy is 30 days with receipt.”

    Me: “That’s except for jocks and mouth-guards. Cashiers tell you at the time of purchase that they’re completely non-returnable.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t understand. So, there’s nothing you can do for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. It’s store policy based on our health-code.”

    Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that my little boy would have such a big wee-wee?” *grabs her very embarrassed-looking son and leaves*

    Now We Know Why Bob Retired

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    Me: “Your total comes to $15.49.”

    Customer: “Don’t I get a discount?”

    Me: “Are you in the military or a member of our frequent shopper club?”

    Customer: “I’m in the club. I shop here all the time.”

    Me: “Great! I should be able to find you in our database and apply your discount. What is your last name?”

    Customer: “Well I’m not in your computer but I know I get a discount. I shop here all the time and I’m a senior citizen.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t have a senior discount, but I’d be happy to help you join our frequent shopper club.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a senior discount?!” *she turns to an older couple in line behind her* “Did you hear that? These
    people don’t respect the seniors in this community! This is outrageous! I shop here all the time. I’m a senior. I should get a discount. Let me talk to Bob!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, Bob retired 4 years ago.”

    Customer: “Okay, well then I need to speak with Claudia. She and I are very close.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with a Claudia.”

    Customer: “Well, you need to ask someone who’s not new.”

    Me: “Well, I’ve been here three years, but let me check.”

    (I call my manager, who’s been here forever.)

    Me: "I’m sorry ma’am, but I just spoke with my manager, and she said that Claudia passed away in 2005."

    Customer: “She’s dead?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well, do I get a discount? I shop here all the time!”

    Trying To Re-Coup Losses

    | Oakville, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Money

    (An elderly customer comes up to my checkout.)

    Me: “That’ll be [price]."

    Customer: “Why is it so much?”

    Me: “Well, you bought all these items, and it all adds up to your total.”

    Customer: “You charged me for the chicken?”

    Me: “Yes, of course.”

    Customer: “There’s your mistake. The chickens are free today.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Customer: “I got it from that big display where you’re giving away ‘free range chicken’.”

    In A Stupid Mood

    | Corolla, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (At the checkout line, a customer and her grand daughter have placed mood rings all over their fingers.)

    Customer: “Isn’t it amazing how they know exactly what type of mood you’re in?”

    Me: “Would you to add any mood rings?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Well, it will be [price].”

    Customer: *pays*

    Me: “Your change is [change]”

    (I hand the customer one of the new five dollar bills.)

    Customer: “I think this bill is counterfeit.”

    Me: “I assure you, it’s not ma’am.”

    Customer: “Sure it is, it’s colored.”

    Me: “It’s actually a mood five. It changes according to your mood.”

    Customer: “The things they do with technology!”


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