The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!
(I am guy in my late teens, bagging groceries for a male cashier when a woman in her mid to late thirties arrives at the till.)
Cashier: “Here you go, ma’am.”
Customer: “‘Ma’am?!’ Do I look old enough to be a ‘ma’am?!’”
Cashier: “Uh, sorry miss.”
Customer: “‘Miss!’ That’s even worse! You make me feel like an old maid! I’m still young and beautiful! And you, bag boy! Make sure the eggs are on top, okay?”
Me: *miming shooting a gun and winking* “You got it, babe.”
Customer: *blushing* “I…uh…okay.”
(My customer is an old friend I have not seen since high school.)
Customer: *showing off her belly* “Seven months! The baby kicks sometimes, do you want to feel?”
(I finish with my customer, and move on to the next customer in line, an older man.)
Customer: *rubbing his belly and grinning* “Mine growls sometimes! Wanna feel mine too?”
(Customer #1 is slowly packing up her receipt, change, etc., while Customer #2, an elderly gentleman, is waiting patiently behind her.)
Customer #1: *noticing Customer #2* “Oh, I’m sorry I’m taking up so much of your time.”
Customer #2: “Oh, that’s okay. I’m just waiting to die.”
(I have finished my shift and am doing my shopping at the self scan checkout, still in uniform.)
Customer: “Excuse me can you help me? The machine’s playing up.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’ve actually finished. I can’t log on to the system after my shift, but I can call my colleague.”
Customer: “This is ridiculous! If you’ve finished why are you still here at this checkout?”
Me: “I’m shopping sir, like you are.”
Customer: “Why the h*** would you need to shop here?!”
Me: “I still need to eat, sir.”
Customer: “This is insane, what makes you think you have the right to eat?!”
Anatomically Correct Vs Politically Incorrect
(Sundays are our busiest days for trades at our video game store. Six people are in line at my register, and the only other employee is on the floor fielding customer questions.)
Me: “Thank you for calling . How can I help you?”
Caller: "I’d like to get trade-in prices for some games I have."
Me: "No problem. We’re a bit busy in store right now, though, so I’ll only be able to give you prices on three trades over the phone. Any more, and you’ll have to come in to the store."
Caller: “Bull! It’s 1 PM on a Sunday. No way you have that many customers."
Me: *holding phone towards customers waiting in line* "Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the man who doesn’t think you’re here."
Me: "Any other questions, sir?"