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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    No Good Deed Goes Unthreatened, Part 2

    | Durham, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

    (I work for a cosmetics store. We’re collecting donations for a popular women’s charity. However, as I am not well off, and cannot donate more than a dollar or two here or there myself, I mention it very casually and do not think badly of those who do not donate, or donate small amounts.)

    Me: “Okay, so your total is $x.xx. Would you like to round up your purchase for the charity we are supporting today? No obligation!”

    Customer #1: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “Oh, we’re supporting [Charity] for this month, so I’m just asking everyone if they would like to contribute any amount, even a few cents. No obligation, like I said, I have to ask each customer. I was asking if you wanted to contribute a few cents to round up your purchase to the nearest dollar today.”

    Customer #1: “So, I look like some kind of sucker to you, I guess? I look like I have a goldmine just flowing out of my pockets? No, I will not be donating today. Thank you for the guilt trip!”

    Me: “Alrighty, no problem. Your total is [total].”

    Customer #1: “No. You tacked on a donation. I want the exact itemization of my purchase!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

    (I proceed to go over each item and add it up on a calculator, plus sales tax. Eventually, Customer #1 is satisfied. She’s still standing around, but I move on to the next customer, Customer #2.)

    Me: *to Customer #2* “How are you, today?”

    Customer #2: “Fine, dear. Also, I’d like to donate 10 dollars towards [Charity] today.”

    Me: “Thank you, Ma’am! And please take this gift as a thank you for your contribution!”

    Customer #1: “Hey! Why does she get something for free and I didn’t?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she made a donation towards [Charity], and we have free gifts for those who contribute certain dollar amounts. It’s on the signs in front of the register.”

    Customer #1: *throws a penny at me* “I donated. Now give me the [ten dollar donation gift]!”

    Me: “I am sorry, but that is for customers who contribute $10.00 or more towards [Charity]. I can’t give you this item for a penny contribution, although we do appreciate the donation.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I donate several thousands of dollars to [Charity] every year! Give me the free gift!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but donations that will earn you this gift must be made at this store. I apologize, but you can’t have this gift without a donation for the requisite dollar amount.”

    Customer #1: “Give it to me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this item is only for customers who make this certain donation amount. It’s a gift we give as a thanks for the donation towards [Charity].”

    Customer #1: “You know what? That’s fine! Jesus will punish you! He will send you to Hell for being so greedy!” *walks away singing ‘Amazing Grace’*

    Related:
    No Good Deed Goes Unthreatened

    Cash-Back It Forward

    | West Palm Beach, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Top

    Customer: “Looks like I’ll need cash back today.”

    (The customer opens his wallet. It’s empty.)

    Me: *laughs* “Oh, I know how that is.” *joking* “But I never even have the cash to get back.”

    (The customer gets $40 in cash back. I hand him two twenties.)

    Me: “Twenty and forty, have a good day, sir!”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    (He walks off a moment, then turns around and tosses one of the twenties I handed him onto the register.)

    Customer: “A little cash back for you.” *smiles*

    (Before I can protest, he leaves. I wound up using that $20 to fill my gas tank. Thank you, sir!)

    Coffee, Strong, And Proud

    | Concord, NH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    (Note: during the course of this conversation the customer uses several degrading terms for people of Middle-Eastern and African descent.)

    Customer #1: *slaps a $10 bill on the counter* “I’ll have a pack of [racial slur] delights.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer #1: “You know, [different racial slur] specials! You know, the cigarettes the [yet another racial slur] make!”

    Me: “You mean Camels?”

    Customer #1: “That’s what I said I wanted, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Not even close. You used several highly offensive racial slurs, but not once did you ask for a pack of cigarettes.”

    Customer #1: “Whatever. Just get me the f***ing cigarettes!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s not happening. I’m exercising my right to refuse you service. The door’s right over there, have a nice day!”

    Customer #1: “You’re kidding, right? What the f*** is your problem?”

    Me: “It’s simple, really. If someone is bothering other customers, I am required to kick them out of the store. Your crude and abusive language is clearly bothering the customers in line behind you, so there you go. Goodbye.”

    Customer #1: “What the f*** is wrong with you! What’s wrong with calling a [slur] a [slur]? They’re all f***ing [slurs], and you’re all a bunch of f***ing b****ds. You hear me? You’re all—”

    (At this point Customer #1 turns around to yell at the other people in line, but cuts off as he catches sight of the customer right behind him. Customer #2 is a male African-American that could accurately be described as ‘terrifyingly enormous’. It should also be noted that one of the slurs Customer #1 has been using was aimed at African-Americans.)

    Customer #1: “Whoa, man. I said ‘sand [slur]‘. I don’t have any problem with you!”

    Customer #2: *stares down at Customer #1* “Lemme see if I’ve got this right. You’re a loud-mouthed, ignorant, bigoted a**hole, but that shouldn’t bother me because you don’t have a problem with me specifically?”

    Customer #1: “Uh, yes?”

    Customer #2: “Uh, no. The nice man behind the counter asked you to leave the store. I suggest you do so before I decide you need some help getting through the door.”

    (Customer #1 immediately flees out the door, allowing Customer #2 to put his four coffees on the counter.)

    Customer #2: “Just the coffees, my friend.”

    Me: “Dude, the look on that guy’s face was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. For that, and for helping me out, your coffee is on me.”

    (The next day I told my manager what happened. After reviewing the security tapes (and laughing for a good 20 minutes) she gave me a nearly half a box of free coffee vouchers to give Customer #2. When I quit two years later, he still hadn’t run out of them.)

    This Silver Story Is Pure Gold

    | New York, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Religion

    (A woman is attempting to return some rusted silverware she brought around five years ago from our store. Since it’s no longer on file and I can’t find any information on it, I call my manager, who happens to be both a former priest, and married.)

    Manager: “Okay, ma’am, please understand I can’t return this for its original price as this set is no longer in our system. I can return it for the price of our cheapest on-hand set, though.”

    Customer: “No, I want it for the original price. Nothing less. It was about $90.00, I believe.”

    Manager: “I am sorry ma’am, but I can’t do that on an item that’s over five years old.”

    Customer: “Oh, I think you can.” *she leans over the register and purses her lips* “I’d make it worth your while.”

    Manager: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *smiles seductively* “I’m sure I could find some means of compensating you for such a nice favor.”

    (My manager stares at the woman for several seconds, then pulls out his wallet.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’d like you to have a look at this…”

    (The manager pulls out his ID that shows he’s been ordained.)

    Manager: “Now, I want you to look at this.”

    (He pulls out a picture of him with his wife, while holding up the hand his wedding ring is on.)

    Manager: “Now, I want you to take your cruddy silverware and leave before I call security.”

    Customer: *reels back* “Well, I never! I hope that b**** divorces your a** and takes everything you own, you f***!” *storms out*

    I’ve Got That Drinking Feeling

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m standing in line at the counter, when an obviously drunk and under-aged boy wanders in. The cashier behind the counter is onto him like a shot.)

    Cashier: “Excuse me there, champ. Have you got some ID on you?”

    Drunk teen: “No, I don’t. Why?”

    Cashier: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave my shop then, champ. Right now, please.”

    Drunk teen: “What, just because I have no ID?”

    Cashier: “Among other things, yes. You can’t prove you’re 18, and you’re clearly drunk, which means you’re not legally allowed to be in this store. Please don’t be difficult; just leave.”

    (The drunk teen makes his way to the exit peacefully, but once past the front door decides to act up.)

    Drunk teen: “Well, f*** you! F*** you and get f***ed! I’ll f***ing be here if I want to f***ing be here!” *flips both middle fingers at the cashier*

    (The cashier, who is far taller and broader than he appears while he’s behind the counter, moves into the doorway to prevent the teen re-entering.)

    Cashier: *very calmly* “No, you won’t. Now you’re becoming both an annoyance and a disturbance. You’d better get out of here quick smart, before something happens that you’ll regret later.”

    Drunk teen: “F*** you! I’m gonna bash you man! I’m gonna beat your face!”

    Cashier: *cracks up laughing* “Champ, I doubt you could even beat yourself off at this point.” *takes a step outside the shop* “Please though, take a swing. Give me the excuse.”

    (At this point it apparently dawns on the teen that’s he’s in way over his head and his attempt at intimidation has failed miserably. The cashier seems quite willing to make an example of him.)

    Drunk teen: “Uh… uh… I’m… I’m gonna hurt you man!”

    Cashier: *icily, dangerously calm* “No. You’re going to apologise to the customers for annoying them, you’re going to apologise to me for annoying me, and then you’re going to leave, very quickly, before I put my size 14s so far up your arse your kids are born with tread-marks on their faces, so help me God.”

    (The drunk teen starts to stammer out something, but is interrupted.)

    Cashier: *in a very convincing and menacing Bale-Batman voice* “Get the f*** out of here. Now!”

    (The teen flees at his top speed, bumping into and tripping over everything in his path. We all give the cashier a huge round of applause, and an elderly couple high-fived him!)

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