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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    A Garden Needs A Good Offence

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Home Improvement

    Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

    (She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

    (I am 21, but look younger.)

    Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

    (I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

    Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

    Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

    (I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

    Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

    Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”

    Pumped Up About Not Pumping Up

    | TN, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (A customer is yelling and swearing at the new cashier, insisting that the amount of gas he put in his car wasn’t the amount he was charged. The cashier is getting a little frazzled.)

    Me: “Hey, what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This d*** store gave me less gas than I paid for! The pump is wrong!”

    Me: “So, wait. You mean that you bought a pre-set amount of gas, pumped it, and you think the pump gave you the wrong amount?”

    Customer: “Yes! My tank should be full, and it’s not!”

    Me: “Sir, those gas pumps are federally regulated. I happen to know—for a fact—that you actually get slightly more than you pay for, just so this sort of thing doesn’t happen.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid; this is none of your business, b****!”

    (He turns to the cashier.)

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Cashier: “Sir, he’s in Puerto Rico.”

    Customer: “Well, I need to talk to him now!”

    Cashier: “From Puerto Rico?”

    Customer: “Yes, you d*** b****!”

    Me: “[Cashier], don’t call him.”

    Customer: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing? I said call him!”

    Me: “Well, sir, she could call him. But I really doubt he’d be willing to help you after you cussed out his employee and his daughter.”

    (The customer storms out and returns a few minutes later. I’m about to threaten to call the police, when he passes the cashier a $20 bill.)

    Customer: “I, uh, forgot to pump it, sorry.”

    Currently, They Cannot See Currency, Part 2

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (One of our self-serve machines is currently unable to accept or dispense any cash. There are four signs on the machine stating this. We have four other machines that are working fine and can accept cash. A customer walks straight up to the machine with signs on it, ignoring the four other vacant machines.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am; I am just letting you know that these machines are EFT only. They can’t accept cash.”

    (The customer brushes me off.)

    Customer: “Yes, yes, whatever.”

    (At the end of her transaction, she yells at me to attend to her.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Where do you put the coins?”

    Me: “This machine is EFT only. It is unable to accept cash.”

    Customer: “Yes, but where do I put the coins?”

    (I talk a little bit slower.)

    Me: “This machine can not accept cash.”

    Customer: “So where do I put the coins?”

    Me: “Would you like me to move you to another machine, as this one will not take any cash?”

    Customer: “No, it’s fine. I’ll pay with my card. You really should put signs up, or tell people they can’t pay with cash, though.”

    (I looks at the four signs individually, and then back to the customer.)

    Me: “You’re right. Signs on the machine might help. Or I should start telling customers when they walk up to the machine.”

    Customer: “Yes, you should! It would have saved me a lot of time and hassle!”

    Related:
    Currently, They Cannot See Currency

    Making A Spectacle Of Himself

    | ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers

    (I am a manager at a small sunglasses store in a mall. I am not currently in the store.)

    Customer: “Yo, clean these for me.”

    (He throws the glasses at the clerk.)

    Clerk: “Oh, okay. Here let me get a cloth and the cleaning spray.”

    (The glasses land on the ground because they were thrown.)

    Clerk: “Let me get those, and get them clean for y—”

    Customer: “B****, you wrecked my glasses! The icon’s missing; you owe me a brand new pair!”

    (Icons fit on the side of the glasses to jazz them up.)

    Clerk: “Sir, you threw your glasses at me. I didn’t even see if you had the icons. Let’s look and see if there’s one on the floor here.”

    (The clerk very patiently starts searching, even going so far as to get a broom and try and sweep under displays, just in case.)

    Customer: “You wrecked my glasses; give me a new pair now!”

    Clerk: “Sir, I can’t do that. Your glasses are right here; they’re fine. You know what? I’ll find you another pair of icons, on me, for the trouble.”

    (Icons cost $15 a pair. My staff know that we’d authorize them to take a loss on such a small item to make a customer’s day.)

    Customer: “B****, these were special order. I’m not leaving until you give me two pairs of these sunglasses to make up for you f****** up.”

    Clerk: “I’m not giving you any sunglasses. I offered you a free pair of icons. Don’t swear at me again, or I will call security and have you escorted out.”

    Customer: “Get your manager now, b****!”

    (I live across the street from the mall. My staff knows I’ll come over for any reason. My clerk calls me, and I can hear she’s almost crying. I tell her I’ll be there in 10 minutes. The clerk hangs up with me and tells the customer.)

    Customer: “I ain’t got 10 minutes to wait for some other b**** to get here. Give me two pairs of glasses to make up for this s***, NOW!”

    Clerk: “Look, I’m not giving you anything. I’ll tell you now, my manager’s not going to give you anything either. If you can’t wait for her, leave me your name and number, and I’ll have her call you.”

    Customer: “Alright, you tell that b**** to call me, and I’ll get my free glasses.”

    Clerk: “Alright, can I have your name and number?”

    Customer: “No, you can’t have my personal info. Who the f*** do you think you are?”

    Clerk: “I need your name and number if you want the manager to call you.”

    Customer: “Alright, you tell that b**** my name is Mutha-f**** Jones.”

    (The customer stomps out. I arrive a couple minutes later to an empty store, save for a shaken clerk.)

    Me: “Where’s the guy who’s freaking out?”

    Clerk: “He said he couldn’t wait, but you can call him to discuss it. Here’s his info.”

    (She hands me a card with his name on it.)

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Clerk: “Yep. Maybe you can call 411 and get them to look up Mr Jones for you.”

    Me: “I’ll get right on that.”

    (I look at the security footage, and am pretty sure he doesn’t have the icons to begin with. The crazy dude actually comes back. I call security and give him h*** for trying to scam my clerk.)

    Driving The Point Home

    | Robeline, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Theme Of The Month

    Customer #1: “Man, that’s a nice car. I’d love to have it.”

    (I glance out the window and see my brother’s friend pull up to a gas pump in his ’69 Chevelle. He is a young black man. I am grinning as I turn to the two of them.)

    Me: “Don’t even ask if he’ll sell it to you, because he won’t do it.”

    Customer #2: “Hmph. I wonder how someone like him got a nice car like that.”

    Me: “His family brought it with them when they moved here from California. It was basically a piece of junk, but he restored it with his dad.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, is that so? How would you know?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s so. He’s a good guy, and happens to be one of my brother’s best friends. He and his cousin would come to our house all the time when we were in high school, and they’re both like brothers to me. I don’t like that you’re trying to imply he got that car by stealing it, or doing something illegal to get it, just because he’s black!”

    Customer #2: “Well, I… I… uh…”

    (Customer #2 leaves quickly. Customer #1 is left laughing.)

    Me: “Serves him right for being a bigot!”

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