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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Ring Me Up And Shut Me Down

    | WA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Top

    (I’m grabbing a few sundries after filling my car up. The only other people in the store are a young girl at the register, and a customer she’s serving. I take no interest in them till I suddenly hear the customer screaming.)

    Customer: “Get me your manager, now! You’ve worked your last shift at this place, you worthless b****!”

    Cashier: “I certainly will ma’am, but I was merely—”

    Customer: “No! Not another word! I am the customer; the manager will believe whatever I tell him. Now stop stalling and get him for me!”

    (The cashier sighs and disappears into the backroom, returning with said manager a moment later.)

    Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I’ll say there is! This incompetent s*** rang my gum up twice, and then laughed in my face when I told her to correct the error. I’m certain she rang all my other stuff up incorrectly as well. I demand you kick her out to the curb!”

    Manager: “I see…” *to the cashier* “Is this true?”

    Cashier: “Well, just the part about ringing up her gum twice. I apologized and fixed the error immediately.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! You’re lying!”

    Manager: “Could you bring the transaction up please?”

    Customer: “She’s lying! She f***ing laughed in my face!”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, I was only smiling. I promise.”

    Manager: *checking the register screen* “Hmmm, and I see she did correct her error, and everything else was rung up properly.”

    Customer: “FIRE HER!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, may I ask you a question first? Namely, who are you?”

    (She states full name, job title, company and the location of her office, which is a small brokerage firm in the nearby town.)

    Manager: “Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever heard of them, or you. Nevertheless let me ask you this: why should I fire this girl, whom I’ve worked with for three years, has never missed a day without good reason, is always on time for her shift, and has been described by several of our regulars as one of the most courteous ladies they’ve ever met, over a simple mistake which, as I’m seeing here, she quickly corrected?”

    Woman: “Wha? But… I… you… because I’m the customer!”

    Manager: *nods* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t see how that’s a valid reason to side with someone I don’t know from Adam, and thus lose a model employee whom I know to be perfectly trustworthy and respectful. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

    (With that, the customer screams, shoves what’s on the counter at the manager and storms out.)

    Manager: *to the cashier* “If I believed every windbag who came in here ranting incoherently, I’d never be able to hang onto any staff. I’ll be in my office if you need me again.” *disappears into the back*

    Me: *stunned* “My God. That was awesome!”

    Cashier: *beaming brightly* “Whole reason why I love my job!”

    Time Waits For Slow Man, Part 2

    | Waynesville, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Top

    (I’m in line at a grocery store in a tiny town in the North Carolina mountains. In front of me is an old woman who’s moving rather slowly. Behind me is a young suit who has no patience.)

    Old Woman: “Now is this one on sale, sugar?”

    Young Suit: *muttering loudly behind her* “This is bulls***.”

    Old Woman: “I got me two, no, three coupons.”

    Young Suit: *even louder* “Some of us have places to be.”

    Old Woman: “I think I got me two pennies, darling. Just a minute.”

    Young Suit: “Come on, come on, get your a** in gear!”

    Old Woman: “Young man, if you was a-wantin’ to get there so early, you should have left home sooner!”

    Related:
    Time Waits For Slow Man

    He Got Served While Getting Served

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (A customer is debating the price of items with me. I have told him several times they are not on sale. This has taken almost ten minutes, and the people behind him are starting to look very annoyed.)

    Me: “Sir, I assure you those items are not on sale.”

    Customer #1: “You b****! They are too! You’re just trying to rob me! Where the h*** is your manager?”

    Me: “I am the manager on duty. ”

    Customer #1: *grabs my shirt collar* “That’s bulls***! Women can’t run stores. You’re too dumb! Especially your age!”

    (At that moment, another customer, Customer #2, intervenes. Note that Customer #2 is a petite lady in her late twenties, about as old as me. She stands on her toes, grabs Customer #1′s shoulder, and yanks him around. Then, she slaps him across the face.)

    Customer #1: *stunned* “Wh-wha? Who the h*** do you think you are?”

    Customer #2: “You work at [very successful local legal firm], right?”

    Customer #1: *nods*

    Customer #2: “Well, I own [very successful local legal firm], and you don’t work there anymore.”

    (Customer #1 finally recognizes Customer #2 and gets a horrified look of realization on his face. He sprints out of the store, leaving his groceries on the counter.)

    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m working at a going out of business’ sale, during which there’s a All Sales Final, NO Returns’ policy. A customer approaches register with a box full of pipe fittings. He starts placing them on the counter.)

    Me: “Did you find everything alright today, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not buying these. I’m returning them.”

    Me: *pointing to sign right next to me* “Sir, we do not take returns anymore.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re f***ing taking these. I bought these and was told any unused ones can be returned. Now I want my money back!”

    Me: “Sir, these aren’t even a brand we carry at this store.”

    Customer: “Don’t f***ing talk to me! Hurry up and do your job.”

    Me: “Sir, even if I could take returns, I don’t see a receipt for these items. When did you say you bought these?”

    Customer: “Like 3 months ago. You’re f***ing useless! Where’s your manager?”

    (I grab my manager and explain the situation to him.)

    Manager: *to customer* “So, let me get this straight. You’re returning a product that we never supplied three months after you supposedly bought them, with no proof of purchase when we do not allow returns?”

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I’ve been a loyal customer here for 23 f***ing years! You can’t just throw me out!”

    Manager: “Sir, my name is on the building, and I’ve run this place since 1982. I’ve never seen you before in my life. So I suggest you get out now before I call the police.”

    (The customer grabs his box, mutters some swear words under his breath, and storms out.)

    Related:
    Past The Point Of No Return

    A Pricing One-Eighty On His 360

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I am ringing up a customer purchasing a mildly anticipated videogame.)

    Me: “Before I start ringing these up, would you happen to have your [store name] rewards card with you?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t even have one! Those are just a way for you to get more money out of me!”

    Me: “Actually, we offer the basic version for free. If you would like to sign up now all you have to do is—”

    Customer: “I said no, godd*** it!”

    Me: “Alright, sir. No problem. I’ll just ring these up then.”

    (The customer is buying a used Xbox 360, and five or so games. It takes me a few minutes to grab the Xbox and games from the back, as the ones on display are empty to prevent theft.)

    Me: “Okay, would you like to put $10 down on a pre-order for any games?”

    Customer: “No! Just hurry it up!”

    Me: “Alright your total is $210.67.”

    Customer: “I told you earlier I only wanted to spend $200 on this.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You will have to put one of these games back or trade one for a cheaper one. The used versions are always cheaper and work just as well as the new ones.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand! I want to spend $200 on this stuff.”

    (This goes on for a few minute, until he finally decides to exchange one of the games for a cheaper one.)

    Me: “Alright your total is $183.43.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid?! I only want to spend $200!”

    Me: *gives up* “Okay, your total is now $200 dollars.”

    Customer: “Finally!”

    (He hands me the money, grabs his items, and leaves without his receipt. I felt it would be wrong to keep the money, so I gave about half off the price for the next nice customer.)


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