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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Good People Are Not Dime A Dozen

    | London, England, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Money, Movies & TV, Top

    (I work in my university’s campus shop. I arrive for my shift to find the site in lockdown. There are security guys and people in ‘hi-vis’ jackets everywhere. They check my ID, and let me through, so I think nothing of it. Later that afternoon, one of the ‘hi-vis’ jacketed guys comes to my till with a drink and bar of chocolate. He looks stressed.)

    Customer: “Hey, how much for this?”

    Me: “£1.10″

    (The customer starts rummaging in his pocket.)

    Customer: “Oh for f***’s sake; I’ve gone and left my f****** wallet in the truck. I’ve been here since 4am, and this is the only break I’ll get! I’ve only got a £1 coin. Leave the chocolate; I’ll just have the drink.”

    Me: “Nah, no worries; I’ll spot you the 10p. People leave their change behind all the time.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yeah, positive. You look like you could use it. I hope your day gets a bit better!”

    Customer: “Thanks, love! You put a smile back on my face. Bless you!”

    (A couple of hours later, the same guy comes back in just as I’m closing up.)

    Customer: “Are you closing?”

    Me: “Yes, sorry, the till’s already been shut down.”

    Customer: “Excellent! If you’ve got 10 minutes, go sit on the wall outside there, and keep quiet, okay?”

    (Intrigued, I go sit where he asks, which is just outside the doors of the building. A dark SUV pulls up, and security guards materialise from nowhere and start moving people away. They try to move me on, but the customer tells them that I’m with him, and they leave us be. The next person to come out of the doors is Leonardo di Caprio, who then gets into the SUV. My mouth drops in shock.)

    Customer: “10p for the front-row seat. Can’t say fairer than that, can you?”

    (Some months later, I recognise one of my university’s lecture halls in the movie ‘Inception’!)

    It’s About To Get Crazy Horse Up In Here

    , | OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (I am on break and heading towards the restroom, when a customer asks me to take his order. Seeing that it’s busy, and assuming that the customer has been waiting for some time, I step up to the spare till that the managers all share. All of my on-duty coworkers are either Hispanic or African American.)

    Me: “Sorry about the wait. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Number four, medium, with an iced tea to drink. I’m glad you finally came out of the kitchen. I thought I’d never get to order.”

    Me: “I’m sorry again about your wait. We’ve been a little understaffed all day.”

    Customer: “So, that must be why you were doing the Mexican’s work.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The kitchen, the kitchen! I guess all these n****** who can’t take an order right needed someone back there who speaks English to fix everything. They need to hire more white folks like you to work here.”

    Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you refrain from making such offensive remarks.”

    Customer: “Aw, c’mon. No need to cater to them. Just between us, you think whites are the best race, right?”

    Me: “Just between us?”

    (I beckon the customer closer, then speak loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear.)

    Me: “If you spout any more of this racist bull-s***, I will not hesitate to kick you out.”

    Customer: “But you’re white!”

    Me: “Not that it matters, but I’m half Native-American.”

    Customer: “You don’t look it. If that’s true, what’s your ‘Injun’ name?”

    Me: “In my tribe, I am called ‘Ejects-Bigoted-A**-hole-From-Premises’. Now kindly get the f*** out.”

    Must Hate Watching Animal Planet

    | GA, USA | At The Checkout, Pets & Animals

    (I’m ringing up a customer buying a bag of dog food, and a small toy. When customers pay by credit card, the screen automatically asks if they want to make a donation to help homeless animals.)

    Me: “Would you like to make a donation to [store charity]?”

    Customer: “No, I hate all animals; this is for a friend.”

    Me: “Okay then. Would you like a bag for that?”

    Customer: “Yes, I hate the environment too.”

    Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

    | UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

    Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

    (I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

    Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

    (I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

    My Friend: “Everything okay?”

    Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

    (My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

    My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

    (She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

    My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

    (I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

    A Sweet For The Not-So-Sweet Old Lady

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (I am a cashier in a grocery store that has a basket of free suckers at each register. They’re supposed to be for kids, but every now and then an adult will ask for one. We usually don’t mind. An elderly customer and her middle-aged daughter come through my checkout lane.)

    Elderly Customer: “Oooh, suckers! Are they free? I want a sucker!”

    Daughter: “No, those are for kids.”

    Elderly Customer: “I. WANT. A. SUCKER!”

    Daughter: “No, mom, they’re for little kids. You’re not a little kid, are you?”

    Elderly Customer: “YES I AM! NOW GET ME A GOD-D*** SUCKER, B****!”

    (I just hand the elderly customer the basket, and back away slowly.)

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