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  • Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7
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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    Bad Jokes Make A Good Customer

    | KY, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    Me: “Keep in mind, sir, these items are a three day return!”

    Customer: “Well I don’t think I will wait three days in line just to return some shirts.”

    Me: “Haha, very clever, sir. However do not worry; I wouldn’t make you wait three days. But if they don’t fit right when you get home, bring them back to me within three days so we can get you a refund.”

    Customer: “And you know what? I was eating at a fast food joint the other day. I noticed on the door in the bathroom it said that employees must wash hands. So I stood there and stood there, and no employee ever came in to wash my hands. I really didn’t think it was good service.”

    Me: “Thank you, sir; that made my day.”

    To Be, Or Not To Jollibee

    , | Quezon City, Philippines | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m in line at a very well-known chicken fast food place. It’s lunch hour, so the place is fairly packed.)

    Cashier: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Do I want a one-piece or two-piece meal?”

    Cashier: “Well, people usually order the two-piece at this time, since it’s supposed to hold them for a few more hours.”

    Customer: “Okay, a two-piece meal then.”

    Cashier: “Would you like that ‘Original Recipe’ or ‘Hot and Crispy?’”

    Customer: “I don’t know. What’s the difference?”

    Cashier: “Um, the ‘Original Recipe’ tends to have softer skin and a tangy flavor, while the ‘Hot and Crispy’ is spicy and crunchy.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not sure which one of those I want. The ‘Hot and Crispy’ might be too spicy for me.”

    Cashier: “Don’t worry, our ‘Hot and Crispy’ isn’t really that spicy. It’s just enough for a kick in the taste buds, no more.”

    Customer: “Maybe, but I might want extra mashed potatoes with it.”

    Cashier: “If you order the full meal, you get a large side dish with your food.”

    Customer: “What if a large is too big? I don’t want to eat all that much.”

    Cashier: “Well, ma’am, the containers are behind me, so you can decide for yourself if large is too big.”

    Customer: “Hmm… wait, what if I don’t want chicken for lunch?”

    Customer Somewhere In The Back: “WELL YOU’RE IN THE WRONG F****** RESTAURANT, AREN’T YOU?! STOP HOLDING UP THE LINE!”

    No Produce Reduce

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Money

    (The customer in question is our grocery store’s former produce manager. She was encouraged to ‘retire’, because she was caught raising the prices of the produce so her sales would be better. She has a return and a few items, so I do her return and scan her items to balance out the difference in which she only owes me one cent.)

    Me: “Okay, your total is one cent.”

    Customer: “That’s not right. The onions are ringing up wrong.”

    (I look at my screen, and the onions she bought were ringing up 68 cents a pound.)

    Me: “They’re only 68 cents.”

    Customer: “They are supposed to be 99 cents a pound! That’s what the sign says.”

    Me: “Those are for large onions. You bought medium ones.”

    Customer: “Well… I guess I’ll take them for that price, but your new produce manager needs to learn how to price things right.”

    (She storms out in a huff, and my manager walks over.)

    Manager: “Did she just… want to pay the higher price?”

    Me: “Yes… and while you’re here, I’m reaching into my pocket to get the penny that she forgot to pay me for her stuff.”

    In Line And Out Of Line

    | Durban, South Africa | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Money, Top

    (I’m in line to pay. Customer #1 in front of me is about in his 40s, and very well-dressed in a suit and tie. Customer #2 in front of him seems to be a single mother with her child. I’m 25, and pretty shabbily dressed; wearing only faded jeans, an old, novelty Star Wars shirt, and have my long hair almost covering my eyes.)

    Customer #1: “Lady, can you hurry up! Some people are important and actually have places to be!”

    (Customer #2 is fumbling with her money. In her cart she only has basic groceries and what appears to be a birthday cake for her child. She mumbles something about not having enough money, and decides to leave the cake behind.)

    Customer #1: “Don’t waste everyone’s time if you can’t even pay for your s***! Or maybe you need another government handout that comes from my taxes?!”

    (At this point, I feel like I’ve got to step in.)

    Me: “Hey man, that’s enough!”

    Customer #1: “Who do you think you are? I’ll have you know I’m the [high profile position] at [large shipping company], and no one ever talks to me like that.”

    (Suddenly, I become much more respectful.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir. I had no idea you were so important. Would you mind if I asked you for your business card?”

    (Customer #1 smugly hands me his card. I see he is, indeed, who he says he is.)

    Me: “And here’s my business card.”

    Customer #1: “Why the h*** would I want your—”

    (Customer #1 suddenly goes pale, as he notices that I am co-owner of [large shipping company].)

    Me: “Now that I know your name, I’ll be sure to phone your supervisor to ensure you’re put on probation. One more act like this and you’re fired.”

    (Customer #1 stammers for a bit, before practically running from the store. I end up paying for the mother’s cake, and even gave them a bit extra to buy the kid any toy from the store.)

    The Text Signaler Concurrence

    | Ashford, Kent, UK | At The Checkout, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (I am on the checkout, chatting away to a woman and her daughter whilst putting their shopping through. Suddenly, the woman gets a text message on her mobile.)

    Phone: “Bazinga! Bazinga!”

    Me: “Um, did your phone just ‘bazinga’?”

    Woman: “Oh, yes, I have a text. Sorry about that.”

    Daughter: “You’re the first to recognize the word.”

    Me: “Oh, we love The Big Bang Theory. My dad has that as his text alert too.”

    Daughter: “I have the theme as my ringtone!”

    Me: “So do both my parents!”

    (We all talk about the show for a few moments before parting ways. The next customer comes up, having overheard the last part of our chat.)

    Next Customer: “I’m glad they’ve gone. They were in my spot.”

    Me: “Another fan?”

    Next Customer: “Oh yes…”

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