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    Category: At The Checkout

    The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

    It’s About To Get Crazy Horse Up In Here

    , | OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (I am on break and heading towards the restroom, when a customer asks me to take his order. Seeing that it’s busy, and assuming that the customer has been waiting for some time, I step up to the spare till that the managers all share. All of my on-duty coworkers are either Hispanic or African American.)

    Me: “Sorry about the wait. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Number four, medium, with an iced tea to drink. I’m glad you finally came out of the kitchen. I thought I’d never get to order.”

    Me: “I’m sorry again about your wait. We’ve been a little understaffed all day.”

    Customer: “So, that must be why you were doing the Mexican’s work.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The kitchen, the kitchen! I guess all these n****** who can’t take an order right needed someone back there who speaks English to fix everything. They need to hire more white folks like you to work here.”

    Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you refrain from making such offensive remarks.”

    Customer: “Aw, c’mon. No need to cater to them. Just between us, you think whites are the best race, right?”

    Me: “Just between us?”

    (I beckon the customer closer, then speak loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear.)

    Me: “If you spout any more of this racist bull-s***, I will not hesitate to kick you out.”

    Customer: “But you’re white!”

    Me: “Not that it matters, but I’m half Native-American.”

    Customer: “You don’t look it. If that’s true, what’s your ‘Injun’ name?”

    Me: “In my tribe, I am called ‘Ejects-Bigoted-A**-hole-From-Premises’. Now kindly get the f*** out.”

    Must Hate Watching Animal Planet

    | GA, USA | At The Checkout, Pets & Animals

    (I’m ringing up a customer buying a bag of dog food, and a small toy. When customers pay by credit card, the screen automatically asks if they want to make a donation to help homeless animals.)

    Me: “Would you like to make a donation to [store charity]?”

    Customer: “No, I hate all animals; this is for a friend.”

    Me: “Okay then. Would you like a bag for that?”

    Customer: “Yes, I hate the environment too.”

    Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

    | UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

    Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

    (I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

    Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

    (I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

    My Friend: “Everything okay?”

    Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

    (My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

    My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

    (She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

    My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

    (I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

    A Sweet For The Not-So-Sweet Old Lady

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (I am a cashier in a grocery store that has a basket of free suckers at each register. They’re supposed to be for kids, but every now and then an adult will ask for one. We usually don’t mind. An elderly customer and her middle-aged daughter come through my checkout lane.)

    Elderly Customer: “Oooh, suckers! Are they free? I want a sucker!”

    Daughter: “No, those are for kids.”

    Elderly Customer: “I. WANT. A. SUCKER!”

    Daughter: “No, mom, they’re for little kids. You’re not a little kid, are you?”

    Elderly Customer: “YES I AM! NOW GET ME A GOD-D*** SUCKER, B****!”

    (I just hand the elderly customer the basket, and back away slowly.)

    Couldn’t String It Together

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (A customer is returning a pyjama set that has a drawstring on the pants.)

    Customer: “I need to return these pyjamas. They’re way too small! They must be the smallest size large ever made!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am; did you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes, somewhere in here.”

    (The customer holds up the pyjama bottoms and stretches the waistband as far as it will go, which is not very far since the drawstring is still tied.)

    Customer: “I mean, really! Does this look like a size large to you?”

    Me: “Well, you can untie the string and it should stretch more.”

    (I untie it. She stares, mouth agape, as she stretches the pants to twice their size.)

    Customer: “Oh, wow! Well, I guess that’s all I needed!”


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