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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    The Customer Is Always Right-Click

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A user leaves me a couple of long, painful, voicemail messages about her computer not working at all.)

    User: “I can’t close windows, I can’t click anything, and I can’t respond to important emails!”

    (I remotely connect to her computer, check everything out, and everything looks good. I assume that she had restarted her computer, found everything okay, and just forgot to tell me. I receive another call from her.)

    User: “My computer is in utter chaos!”

    (Again, I remotely connect into her computer, and everything looks okay. I go to see her computer in person, and luckily, she is there.)

    Me: “Can you show me the problem?”

    User: “Of course, look!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can see the immediate problem.”

    User: “What is it!?”

    Me: “You’re right-clicking on everything.”

    Tip Top Service

    , | Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (Our card readers are set up to offer an option to add a tip to the total. This isn’t typical for card readers in our location, and it gives some customers a lot of problems, especially if they need reading glasses or don’t look at the screen.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, I just need to you to follow the instructions on the card reader now while it asks a few questions. The green button is yes, and the yellow button is no.”

    Customer: “Fine, fine, okay.”

    Me: “So, first it just asks if that’s the correct total, then it’ll give an option to add a tip if you’d like. Just press the yellow button if you’d prefer to skip it.”

    (I don’t usually spell it out quite this much, but I have the feeling that this man isn’t really listening.)

    Customer: “Yeah, fine, fine.”

    (The customer presses the buttons worryingly fast, then swears.)

    Customer: “Hey, why is it asking for my PIN again? I just entered that! Stupid machine.”

    Me: “Oh dear, I’m sorry but I think you may have entered your PIN as a tip. I’d better cancel the transaction to make sure it—”

    Customer: “No, no, it’s fine. I didn’t put in a tip.”

    Me: “Are you sure you definitely pressed ‘no’? The only way it’d ask for your PIN again is if the first time was the tip prompt, not the PIN prompt. It’s easily done. It’s happened before—”

    Customer: “Are you calling me stupid? Are you trying to suggest I can’t follow simple instructions? I’m a high-level manager at [Department Store Chain]. Do you think I can’t work a simple machine?”

    Me: “Really sir, I think it would be safer if I redo the transaction just in case.”

    (The customer sighs theatrically.)

    Customer: “Fine, then, just to prove to you that I’m not a moron.”

    (I cancel the transaction and the receipts print out. I see a tip had been added, and I only have to glance at the first digit to see that it could not have been intentional. I quickly hand the receipt over to protect the customer’s PIN privacy, without looking at the full number.)

    Me: “Here’s the cancellation receipts, sir, and I’m giving you both copies so that you can keep your PIN private.”

    (The customer takes the receipts and his eyes go wide. He seems to swell up, and for a moment I think he’s going to start screaming at me, before he suddenly deflates.)

    Customer: “Oh god, I’m so sorry. Thank you, you just saved me from a serious talking-to by accounts.”

    Me: “I’m sure your credit card company wouldn’t have authorised it anyway, sir, so it would’ve been fine. As I said, don’t worry. It’s happened before.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. This company card has a £15,000 credit limit.”

    (I’m still not sure if the credit card would have authorised that size of transaction, but we still joke about the ’1000 per cent tip.’ Just for comparison, that first digit was a 6…)

    Nine-Dumb-Dumb

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I am the after-hours emergency line representative for a property management company. We essentially handle things that are association responsibility and will cost the association money, not the homeowner.)

    Homeowner: “I think someone is breaking into my house!”

    Me: “Did you call the police?”

    Homeowner: “No, why would I do that?”

    Me: “Because we don’t offer security service. We only dispatch people out for things like plumbing emergencies, or broken sprinklers.”

    Homeowner: “What do I do?”

    Me: “Call 911.”

    Homeowner: “Can you do it for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, 911 tracks the location of the caller. If you feel threatened, you need to call 911 right now.”

    Homeowner: “God-d***-it, what the h*** do I pay monthly dues for?” *hangs up*

    Filed Away In The Embarrassment Folder

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer brings in a USB drive from which to print a document. I plug it into the print center’s PC.)

    Me: “Alrighty, ma’am, which file are we printing for you today?”

    Customer: “I don’t see mine in here. Can you try opening the MISC folder to see if it’s in there?”

    (I open the folder as requested.)

    Customer: “It’s not in there! Oh, don’t tell me it didn’t download to my drive!”

    Me: “Aw, that’s a bummer! Did you want to try looking in some of the other folders?”

    Customer: “No! It wouldn’t be in any of those!”

    Me: “Do you possibly have the file in your email, by any chance? If you could pull up the attachment on your phone, we could print it that way.”

    (I unplug the drive and hand it back to the customer. Suddenly angry, she snatches it from my hand and storms off.)

    Customer: “No! I’m going to go back home, save it again, and THEN I’m going to have it printed SOMEWHERE ELSE!”

    Me: “What…?”

    Banking Is A Whole Different Animal

    | MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Pets & Animals

    (My coworker takes a phone call.)

    Coworker: “This is [Veterinarian]. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “This is [Name]. My account number is [number]. I got an insufficient funds notice and I know I have enough in that account. You need to fix this!”

    Coworker: “Sir, this is not a bank.”

    Caller: “YES, IT IS! I just gave you my account number!”

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