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    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Thinks He’s So Grape

    , | Norway | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work as a wine waiter in a business hotel, where we often have repeat guests. One such guest, who always has a problem with something, is tasting a bottle of wine I’ve just opened.)

    Guest: “This wine is bad. It’s corked, or oxidised, or something.”

    Me: “May I test it?”

    (I take the glass and smell the wine, knowing straight away that there’s no problem.)

    Me: “I don’t notice anything wrong here. If you insist, I can open a fresh bottle.”

    Guest: “Well, you obviously don’t know anything about wine or service. Of COURSE I want a fresh bottle.”

    Me: “Very well, sir.”

    (I take the bottle away, re-cork it, and wait a few seconds before returning to the table with a new glass. I open the bottle again as I arrive and I pour a little for him to taste.)

    Guest: “MUCH better. Can’t believe you thought there was nothing wrong with the last bottle. You obviously don’t deserve to be in charge of wine here.”

    Where There Are Smokers, There Is Fire

    | IL, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (I am the manager of a store that sells hookahs, among many other things. Since there are very strict laws in the area I tend to cut people off before incriminating themselves too much. The phone rings and I answer.)

    Me: “[Store Name]. This is [Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. You guys sell hookahs? I want to know how these things work. I need to know what order to put things in. I’ve got the coal ready. I put that in the bowl on top, then the tobacco and weed right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t sell hookahs for anything illegal. Just tobacco.”

    Caller: “Oh right… Where do I put the tobacco then?”

    Me: *sighs* “The tobacco goes in the bowl, then either a screen or tin foil with some holes on top of the bowl, and the lit coal on top.”

    Caller: “Oh… I would have burned my house down again! Thanks!” *hangs up*

    Me: “Again?”

    Understanding In All But Name

    | IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I need to cash my check.”

    Me: “Sure! I’ll need to see your ID please.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s MY check!”

    Me: “I understand, but I’ve never waited on you before. I need to verify that it is your check.”

    Customer: “But it’s MY check!”

    Me: “But I don’t know that. I don’t know you.”

    Customer: “It has my NAME on it!”

    Me: “But I don’t know your name. I’ve never waited on you before. I have to make sure that the right person gets their money.”

    Customer: “My name is on the check!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what if you dropped the check outside and someone else brought it in to cash? Would you want me to cash it for them?”

    Customer: “No, because they aren’t me!”

    Me: “How would I know that?”

    Customer: “Because MY name is on the check!”

    Me: *sighs*

    Just Checking

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (An older customer comes through my line. She is paying with a check, and the register tells me to check her ID.)

    Me: “May I please see your ID?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

    Me: “…you don’t have an ID?”

    Customer: “Well, I have a driver’s license. Is that an ID?”

    Summing Up Bad Parenting

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Math & Science

    (I work at a small water park where it’s $5 for adults and $4 for kids. I’m working as the cashier at the ticket booth when a mom and her daughter walk up. The daughter can’t be more than seven or eight years old.)

    Me: “For the two of you it’s going to be $9.”

    Daughter: *with a HUGE smile on her face* “That’s $5 for mom and $4 for me!”

    Me: “Yes. You’re right! Good math!”

    Mom: *hands over the $9 in cash* “No, honey! It’s eight dollars! Four for me, and four for you. That’s eight, ugh!”

    (The mom storms in, mumbling something under her breath, while the girl’s smile vanishes.)

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