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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    The Sausages Of Society

    | New York, NY, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in an Italian deli in Brooklyn that sells high quality cured meats. Because of its location, we have recently seen an upsurge in customers from Williamsburg’s gentrified neighborhoods. Two customers walk in.)

    Customer #1: “Yes. I wanted to know if you stocked any vegan sausages.”

    Me: *thinking they’re joking* “Sir, this is [deli]. Our specialty is aged and cured meats. We don’t sell vegan food.”

    Customer #2: *to his friend* “What did you expect from this place? Their vibes are totally off. It’s obvious this isn’t the right deli for us, man.” *turns to me* “Listen, you see?m like a pretty smart guy. You shouldn’t buy into the corporate lies they feed you. You know the sausages you sell are just pumped full of water and corn syrup right?”

    (I decide to have some fun with this.)

    Me: “Yeah. Right on, man. That must mean those giant storage lockers in the back where we hang the freshly grounded and mixed meat is just an illusion created by the corporate industrialists in order to fool the proletariat.”

    (Amazingly, they actually nod in agreement for a few second before realizing I’m making fun of them. Scowling, they finally leave.)

    Customer #2: “I’m going to tell my friends about all of the ‘negative vibes’ your deli gives off!”

    (To this day I’m not sure if they were serious or trying to prank us.)

    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 2

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at a call center for a large car rental company, booking rentals and providing customer service. I’ve been told my voice is very robotic.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller #1: “I’d like to book a rental.”

    Me: “When and where would you like to pick up your rental?”

    Caller #1: “I’d like to speak to a person.”

    Me: “Sir, I am a person.”

    Caller #1: “No, you’re the answering machine. Connect me to a person.”

    Me: “No, sir. I am a real person. My name is [First Name].”

    Caller #1: “STOP LYING TO ME, ROBOT!”

    (The caller hangs up. Five minutes pass and my next call comes in.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller #2: “Speak to an agent.”

    Me: “I am an agent, sir. Would you like to schedule a booking?”

    Customer #2: “Oh, wow! You sound exactly like the voice on the menus!”

    Related:
    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol 1

    Tree-ting The Request With Respect

    | OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (Two customers come in for lunch and want to eat outside on the deck. I take their order, bring it to them, and periodically check on them to make sure everything is going well. I come back again at the end of their meal.)

    Me: “So, how was everything? Would you like dessert, or would this be all for you ladies today?”

    Customer #1: “Everything was great, thank you.”

    Customer #2: “It was great, and I don’t want to sound rude, but I’m going to criticize.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer #2: “You’re on the river. You should be a fine dining establishment. You shouldn’t have the trees dropping pine cones and other stuff on the deck. And you should get rid of the spider webs.”

    (Customer #1 is looking at Customer #2 indicating that she would like her to shut up.)

    Me: “We clean the deck off a few times a week, but the wind has been picking up lately, and stuff keeps falling from the trees. Would you like me to ask the spiders if they would kindly stop building their webs on the deck every night also?”

    Customer #2: “If you would do that, that would be great!”

    Customer #1: “And I suppose you want her to ask the trees to stop dropping things on the deck too?”

    Customer #2: “Yes! Please do it!”

    (Fortunatel, Customer #1 apologized to me as soon as they were walking out the door.)

    There’s A Funny Upside (Down) To This

    | Santa Barbara, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work for a computer retailer. A customer brings in a system he bought about an hour before.)

    Customer: “Yeah. I want to return this computer. The CD-drive isn’t working.”

    Me: “Not working? How so, sir?”

    Customer: “Discs don’t fit inside it.”

    (I hook up the machine to a monitor setup we have, open the disc tray, and it reads the CD I put in just fine.)

    Customer: “Wait, the computer looks different now!”

    Me: “Different? Sir, this is an Apple. They look pretty much the same all the time.”

    Customer: “No. The symbol on the side there! It’s upside down.”

    Me: “It’s an Apple, a leaf and an apple with a bite out of it.”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “I… put it on the floor upside down, didn’t I?”

    Please Turn Down The Gravity

    | Washington, DC, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (I work as a courtesy clerk and bag boy at a grocery store. My state has recently started charging people for store-provided paper or plastic bags. Whenever possible, I try to fit all the customers’ items into the reusable bags that they give me. In this case, the customer only hands me one reusable canvas bag. I have just finished packing it as full as it will go, when the customer’s wife joins us at the register.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, that bag is way too heavy. Neither of us will be able to lift it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you like me to get another bag and re-pack these items for you?”

    Customer’s Wife: “Yes, please.”

    (The customer’s wife hands me another reusable canvas bag. I finish bagging their groceries, distributing the items as evenly as I can between the two bags. I then put the bags into their shopping cart, to make room on the counter so that I can start bagging the next person’s items.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, no. These bags are still too heavy. We still won’t be able to lift them.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry about that. I can get you some of the paper bags that the store provides, and help you re-bag your items again.”

    Customer’s Wife: “No, no. I don’t think we need any more bags. We just need these bags to be less heavy!”

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