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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    There’s No Sugar-Coating Some Stupidity, Part 2

    | Germany | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (Four guests on one table order a bottle of sweet red wine.)

    Me: “Do you want four glasses with that?”

    Guest #1: “No, thanks. Not for me.”

    Guest #2: *to Guest #1 “What? You are not drinking the wine with us? The bottle is on me.”

    Guest #1: “No, thanks. That wine is far too sweet for me, and it contains loads of sugar. I am just not into sugary drinks. I’ll have something else instead.” *to me* “I would like to order a large Coke.”

    Related:
    There’s No Sugar-Coating Some Stupidity

    Driving Himself Into A Ditch

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money, Transportation

    (I’m at court filing documents for a client when I overhear a judge’s assistant speaking with a man waiting in the lobby behind me.)

    JA: “I’m sorry, sir, but the judge isn’t willing to do anything about the towing costs.”

    Defendant: “What?”

    JA: “You’re going to have to pay these yourself.”

    Defendant: “But… no! He can’t do that!”

    JA: “Sir, there’s nothing he can do. He’s already waived all your court costs. The tow is your responsibility.”

    Defendant: “But what about me going to jail over not paying these?!”

    JA: “You have four outstanding warrants in three states! You were driving on a suspended license! You should have been arrested on the spot!”

    Defendant: “But he has to make these go away or I’ll go to jail!”

    JA: “Sir, you should BE in jail. We did not make you drive on a suspended license. I called the DMV and you’re even flagged in THEIR system! At some point you have to take responsibility for your actions. I really don’t know how you’re not in jail right now.”

    Defendant: “FINE! But I’m still owed a bond by you people!”

    JA: “Okay. I can get that to you, but that person is out today. Will you be in town tomorrow to pick it up or would you like me to mail it?”

    Defendant: “Nah, I’ll just drive here.”

    JA: “… You’ll… drive here? Yourself?”

    Defendant: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

    JA: “Sir, could you please take a seat? I’m going to need to grab somebody to come talk to you.”

    Defendant: “Finally!”

    (The clerk and I, who had been listening in disbelief the entire time, watch as the JA walked over to the bailiff and explained the situation. I left when the handcuffs came out.)

    Dealing With A Whole New Animus

    | TX, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I’m working my shift on a particularly lazy Sunday night, when two guys come in. I’m the only one out on the floor, as my other two coworkers are in the back. I greet the guys as they come in.)

    Me: “Hey, guys. How are y’all doing?”

    Guy #1: “Um, good. You?”

    Me: “Doing great, actually. What brings you guys in here today?”

    Guy #2: “Y’know, games. Are there any employees we can talk to, or—”

    Me: “You are.”

    Guy #1: “Girls don’t play games. Don’t lie to me.”

    Guy #2: “And if you play games then list five characters from the same game.”

    Me: “Connor Kenway, Haytham Kenway, Achilles, Charles Lee, and Ziio.”

    Guy #1:Assassin’s Creed, huh? Who’s the main character in the first one?”

    Me: “Altaïr.”

    (This goes on for several minutes, and my coworker finally comes out of the back.)

    Coworker: “Hey, y’all need anything?”

    Guy #2: “Yeah, actually. You need to hire her or something!”

    Coworker: “We did.”

    Guy #1: “Oh God, I’m sorry. We were quizzing her on Assassin’s Creed. And she kinda won.”

    Coworker: “Yeah, gamer girls do exist. Guys just get mad when the girl knows more about the game than they do.”

    (After buying their games, the two customers leave, and my coworker and I start to close up.)

    Coworker: “So that happened. Why’d he say you won?”

    Me: “He thought Ezio’s close friend was Leonardo di Caprio.”

    Capitalizing On The Situation

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I work as a freelance editor. A regular client sends me a file to edit. I’m almost sure the client is dyslexic, because every sentence has a spelling or grammar error, and there’s never any consistency. Sometimes he will hyphenate phrases, other times he won’t. He often forgets to use proper punctuation and seems to randomly capitalise words.)

    Me: “Okay, I sent you that document back.”

    Client: “Sweet, got it.”

    Me: “Let me know if there’s anything wrong or you have questions.”

    (Often clients ask why whole sentences have been deleted or I’ve changed a word they really wanted to keep, even though it doesn’t mean what they think.)

    Client: “Um, you’ve changed the layout! I don’t want it like this!”

    Me: “How do you mean? I didn’t touch the layout.”

    Client: “It’s showing me two pages!”

    Me: “It was a two-page document.”

    Client: “No, it’s showing me two pages at once. Here, let me send you a screen shot.”

    (They send me a screen shot of the document.)

    Me: “Oh, it’s just displaying it as two up. Two pages side-by-side. I turned that on because I have a large monitor and it’s easier to work with two pages at once. You can turn it off by clicking on the percentage in the bottom left on the screen and selecting ‘one up.’”

    Client: “I can’t see it.”

    Me: “It’s just in the bottom left of the window, down the bottom next to the word count.”

    Client: “Oh, got it. That’s better.” *they pause* “What are all these dots and triangles everywhere?”

    Me: “Those show where I made changes. You asked me to track changes so you could see what amendments I’d made.”

    Client: “How do I get rid of them?”

    (I explain that they can either accept all the changes or do them manually, one-by-one. They accept all changes because there are too many to do one-by-one.)

    Client: “You’ve changed the formatting too.”

    Me: “Yes, it needed to make sense. You put paragraphs in the wrong places, and a good document doesn’t use all capitals because it tends to make people tense.”

    Client: “But it’s a marketing technique!”

    Me: “I’m an editor, not a marketing agent.”

    Client: “Put all the capitals back in.”

    Me: “With all due respect, you should have told me not to change them before you gave me the document. You said you wanted editing; I gave you editing. Next time tell me.”

    (I want to keep the client’s business. Even though he is a bit stingy, he does pay and it’s a good semi-reliable trickle if I need a bit of cash quickly.)

    Client: “You’ve also changed the capitals on some words that were meant to have capital letters.”

    Me: “I assure you, it is improper English to put those phrases in capitals. They’re not place names, product names, names of people, titles, or anything that needs capitals.”

    Client: “But it’s—”

    Me: “A marketing technique?”

    Client: “Yes.”

    Me: “Again, you should have told me not to change those.”

    Client: “You weren’t meant to change the capitals. You were only meant to edit the text.”

    Me: “That’s what an editor does. They make the text conform to English standards.”

    Client: “Well, don’t do it in future.”

    Me: “…okay.”

    Client: “I’ll fix it this time, but make sure you leave those things the way they are in future.”

    Me: “What if you capitalise one word in one sentence, but don’t capitalise it in another sentence.”

    Client: “How do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, in this part you capitalise the letter ‘A’. And in this other sentence, you don’t, but all the words around it are capitalised.”

    Client: “Well of course you fix it then.”

    Me: “So you want me to make sure the document uses consistently bad English?”

    Client: “It’s marketing. It’s not bad English.”

    Me: “So do I capitalise the second one, or put the first one in lower case?”

    Client: “You. Oh. Er. Um. How about you just leave that to me?”

    Me: “Sounds like a plan.”

    Foiled His Plans

    | OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Math & Science

    Customer: “I need some paint for my trailer.”

    Me: “Okay. What material is it made from? I’m assuming metal?”

    Customer: “No. It’s aluminum.”

    Me: “Aluminum is a kind of metal, sir.”

    Customer: “No, it isn’t! Aluminum doesn’t come from underground!”


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