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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Keeps Coming Back For More For Less

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer comes up to my register with a cart full of various sizes of picture frames.)

    Me: “Hello! Did you find everything?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (She just stands there, not taking anything out of her cart, just looking at me.)

    Me: “Good! You can go on and put those smaller frames up here on the counter. And I’ll just need you to lift up the large ones so that I can reach the barcode on the bottom.”

    Customer: “You have to scan them?”

    Me: “Yep! If you are wanting to buy them, that is!”

    (I smile and laugh my hollow ‘customer laugh.’)

    Customer: “Oh, I thought… I didn’t know the scanning was necessary.”

    Me: “It’s how our registers know what you’re buying and charge you the correct amount. So you can just hand those small frames to me, and I’ll scan those, then we’ll get to the big ones. The small ones I can also wrap and bag for you.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to help you?”

    Me: “Well, that is the fastest way to check out. If you cannot lift them, though, I can come around and get them.”

    Customer: “I just don’t understand any of this…”

    (I give up and just take everything out of her cart myself, as a line is forming.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! I have never had such rude service.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to buy these, I have to ring them up. That’s all I’m doing.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Okay, these are all 40% off.”

    Me: “Yes, you’re right. Their sale prices are just up here on the screen. And with that sale, your total comes to [total].”

    Customer: “I don’t believe that’s the sale price.”

    Me: *internal sigh* “Well, see, for example, this frame was originally [price]. When you take 40% off of that price, it comes to [total], as displayed on the screen.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever. I’ll double check the math when I get home. And I want to use a coupon.”

    Me: “Okay, sure! I just need to scan the barcode on it. Do you have a printed coupon or is it on your phone?”

    Customer: “What? I don’t understand.”

    Me: “I need the coupon to scan it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why? Just take the amount off. I’d like a 30% one, please.”

    Me: “I cannot apply a discount, then, ma’am. We have to scan the coupon for you to receive the discount. If you wish to come back tomorrow with the coupon and get a price adjustment, though, we can certainly do that for you. But the only available coupon for your purchases is a 10% one.”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I’ll come back in. That’s poor service, though.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Now how will you be paying?”

    (As she runs her credit card through the card reader, I start wrapping her frames in paper to protect them.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! You’re hurting them!”

    Me: “I’m wrapping paper around them to protect them from scratching one another.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, stop!” *she throws them in her cart with a crash*

    Me: “Okay, you just need to sign this receipt for me and you’re all done.”

    Customer: “No. I don’t sign things.”

    Me: *using my stern ‘mom voice’* “Then your transaction is not complete and you cannot leave with these items.”

    (She stares at me for a while and finally gives in with a huff. She leaves, muttering about poor service. Everyone in line behind her is wide-eyed with confusion, and the next few customers comment on how it seems like she’s never been in a store before. Then she reappears with her husband, holding one of the larger frames).

    Customer: “I’d like to trade this frame for another. It has scratches.”

    (I definitely gave her a quick, evil stare, but the frame is question is very easily scratched and it’s our policy to let customers trade them out.)

    Me: “Okay, sure. If you want to just leave that one up here, you can go on back and pick another one. If you pick a different style, we’ll have to run an exchange through the system.”

    (She leaves her frame and husband with me. It’s now 10 minutes to close, and we have a long line of customers. Her husband stands in front of my till browsing a magazine).

    Me: “Sir, if you will step to the end of my register here, I will check out a few of these other guests. We need to be closing soon, so I need to help everyone get out of the store. When your wife returns, I’ll do whatever needs to be done to process her frame.”

    (He throws his hands up in disgust and makes an exasperated noise, but doesn’t move.)

    Customer #2: *barreling up with a cart* “Outta my way. You aren’t doing a d*** thing!

    (She shoves her cart into him until he moves. I don’t say anything, because I’m too annoyed and trying not to laugh.)

    Customer #2: *to me* “There you go, love. What’s wrong with him? He a zombie?”

    (I ring up five guests before the original customer finally returns. Luckily, she’s got the same type of frame as the one she purchased, so I’m allowed to let her take it without doing anything in the register system.)

    Me: “Okay, awesome. Looks like that is exactly the same type of frame, so you can just take that and go! We don’t need to do anything else!”

    Customer: “What? You’re trying to make me steal!”

    Me: “What…? No, no I’m not. You’re leaving with essentially the same item as you brought back, minus a small scratch. I promise, it’s fine. Thank you, and have a good night!”

    (She and her husband stand there a minute complaining about me, then go stand in front of the automatic sliding doors, which slide open for them. They don’t move, talk, anything. They just stand there).

    Customer: “HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF YOUR D*** STORE?!”

    (Everyone in the area just stares, shocked. I have had it, so I just turn around and call up the next customer to my register.)

    Customer #3: “Never have I so enjoyed waiting in line at this store! What a show! It was like an SNL skit or something! I’m gonna write to the Pope, tell him you should be sainted. You acted so pleasant the whole time, with just the perfect touch of ‘rage boiling under the surface.’”

    (The original customers must have figured a way out of the OPEN DOOR THAT THEY HAD ALREADY USED THREE TIMES, because we didn’t find them inside after we closed!)

    Extreme Jumping To Conclusions

    | The Netherlands | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel, Transportation

    (As an airline employee, you are eligible for staff travel. The airline I work for has the rule that you can only travel if there is a seat available at the gate. We are in Spain, and we already know that the flight is pretty full. We also know that the aircraft is a Boeing 747, and on such a short flight (a little over two hours) there is the minimum required crew on board, so there are multiple jump seats (flight attendant seats) empty. The colleagues decide to take us home on a jump seat. We are moved to different jump seats during the flight, because we are in the way in the pantry and in the aisles during the dinner and beverage service. The passengers see us walking through the aisle with our belongings several times.)

    Passenger: “Hey… what is going on? Are they moving you again?”

    Me: *joking* “Yeah, they have just found out they don’t have a seat for us after all, so they are now taking us to the back to give us a parachute…”

    Passenger: *shocked* “Oh, my God! Are you serious? That is terrible!”

    (We sit down in the back pantry and have a good laugh with the colleagues.)

    Me: “Did she think I was serious? If so, she is pretty gullible!”

    (After landing, we see the concerned passenger at baggage reclaim. She comes up to me, all cheerful and happy.)

    Passenger: “Oh, how wonderful! You made it to Amsterdam! They let you stay on board after all!”

    Going To Go Over Like A Lead Balloon

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (I am at a sale in a store when I hear this exchange:)

    Customer #1: *to Customer #2′s young son* “Aww, look, you’ve got a balloon!”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, I stole it from a display.”

    This Will Become Herb And Legend

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I am working as a bartender in a posh Upper East Side Italian restaurant that often has long waits for tables. Customers are encouraged to order drinks and appetizers from the bar. We have just begun offering Neapolitan style pizzas as an appetizer. An older, affluent couple sits down in the bar area and proceeds to order drinks and ask about our different pizza offerings.)

    Customer: “Could you tell us a little more about your white pizza.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. It is a thin Neapolitan style pizza topped with olive oil and an herb and cheese blend.”

    Customer: “Excuse me, but do we look like saggy pants wearing, hip hop rap loving, people? This is an affluent, sophisticated neighborhood. Why would you even consider serving us urban cheese. Do we look like we are on welfare?”

    Customer’s Wife: *loudly* “I mean, my god, what would make you think your customers would ever pay $14 for something with urban cheese on it. I am disgusted at the thought.”

    Me: “I am terribly sorry to have caused you so much concern. I believe I may have spoken too fast and caused a misunderstanding. The pizza bianca con erbe e formaggio is a pizza without tomato sauce, instead it is made with olive oil and an HERRRB and cheese blend.”

    (They asked for a moment to think about it, and as I returned to the bar I noticed they very quietly got up and left the restaurant.)

    Covered For The Next 20 Years

    | Alexandria, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Employee: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Me: “I just bought this phone yesterday and I can’t hear anyone who calls me. They sound muffled and tinny.”

    Employee: “Ah, I know what your problem is.”

    (I haven’t even shown him my phone yet, so I assume he’s going to give me some smart-a** presumptuous answer.)

    Employee: “Did you leave the plastic cover on the screen that ships with the phone?”

    Me: “Well, yeah, at least until I buy a good screen protector.”

    Employee: “…”

    Me: “Oh. It covers the speaker, too, doesn’t it? That’s rather embarrassing.”

    Employee: “Don’t worry; you’re not the first to come in here with that problem.”

    Me: “Oh, good, that makes me feel better.”

    Employee: “But you are the youngest by about 20 years.”

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