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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Seriously Cheesed Off

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in the deli section of my store. We have only one meat slicer and one cheese slicer. Right now, we have a long line at the slicers. My coworker is slicing meat and I’m slicing cheese.)

    Me: *to the line of people* “Cheese? Cheese? Anyone getting sliced cheese?”

    (A customer puts his phone down and approaches.)

    Customer #1: “Hi, can I have a pound of turkey?”

    Me: “Okay. Any cheese for you, sir?”

    Customer #1: “No, I’m not getting cheese.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, I was asking about cheese. My buddy here is slicing meat. He’ll be with you in a moment.”

    (He gives me a disgruntled look and gets back in line.)

    Me: *louder* “Is anyone getting cheese sliced today?”

    (Another customer approaches me.)

    Customer #2: “Yes, can I get cooked ham, please?”

    Me: “Do you need any cheese, sir?”

    Customer #2: “No.”

    Me: “Then I’m afraid there will be a short wait. I’m only slicing cheese; my coworker is doing the meat.”

    Customer #2: “Um, okay.”

    (He gets back in line.)

    Coworker: *snickering*

    Me: *very loudly* “DOES ANYONE HERE NEED SLICED CHEESE?”

    (A little old lady walks up to me.)

    Customer #3: “I want to get some turkey breast, please.”

    Me: “Are you getting any cheese, ma’am?”

    Customer #3: “No, I don’t need any.”

    Me: *sighing* “I’m sorry, I’m only slicing cheese. He’s doing meat. I’m doing cheese.”

    Customer #3: “You mean I have to wait?!”

    Me: “We only have one meat slicer, ma’am.”

    (She throws her hands up in frustration and gets back in line. My coworker is now chuckling loudly.)

    Me: “Well, since no one needs cheese, I’m going to go clean up the mess in the cooler.”

    Coworker: “What mess?”

    Me: “The one that’s going to be there after I face-palm my brains all over the wall…”

    Not The Brightest Bulb In The Box

    | MD, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I am one of two department managers responsible for the front end in my store. My subordinate is on the register next to me, processing a return for a rather expensive LED light bulb. This is right after the most recent Target hack.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this light bulb. It wasn’t the kind I needed.”

    Coworker: “All right. Do you have your receipt?”

    (The customer hands over the receipt, and she processes it quickly.)

    Coworker: “Okay, [amount of return] is going back to your card. Is that all right?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s fine.”

    (The coworker hands over return slip for him to sign. He stares at it for a moment and compares it to a credit card in his hand.)

    Customer: “This is the wrong card. It should be returned to this card. *shows my coworker the card*

    Coworker: *looking at original receipt* “Sir, that’s not the card that was used. The card used to pay for the light bulb ended in [last four card numbers].”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have that card anymore. It was replaced because of the Target thing. Let me speak to your manager.”

    (Coworker calls me over. I’ve heard nearly everything, but she explains the situation briefly.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need this returned on to this card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you didn’t use that card to pay for it. We can only process a refund to the original card, or a store credit. But as the return has already been processed, you’ll have to contact the company who handles your account. As long as it’s in good standing, they’ll issue a check for the amount of the refund.”

    Customer: “Of course my card is in good standing! It’s a prominent bank that deals with veterans and their families. It’s the same account. I just have a new card number. So, you can’t refund my purchase?”

    Me: “We already have. If your card is linked to the same account, then most likely, they’ll credit your account. I’ll call for you right now, if you like.”

    Customer: “It’s Sunday! They’re not open! I just want my money back.”

    Me: “Sir, we’ve refunded your money back to your card. At this point, it is out of our hands. You can call your bank and they can issue you a check for the amount.”

    Customer: “You haven’t given me my money back. It’s not the right card.”

    (I show him the return slip.)

    Me: “As far as this company is concerned, we have. The money is now in the hands of your bank. You may call them on Monday, and they can credit your account, or issue a check.”

    Customer: “So, you’re not going to refund me?”

    Me: “As I said, we already refunded—”

    Customer: “No, you haven’t. Is there something wrong with you? You haven’t refunded my purchase.”

    (The customer grabs the light bulb off the counter.)

    Customer: “I’ll just go to a store where they know how to do a refund correctly. You are all obviously too stupid to do this!” *begins to walk out the door*

    Me: “Sir! You can’t take the light bulb. We’ve refunded that!”

    Customer: “No, you haven’t! I’m going somewhere else!”

    (He stole the light bulb. No other store would be able to refund his money back to the new card. Our system isn’t set up that way. Three days later, I got a call from another store asking about the return. They contacted his bank and they had credited his account. That store took the light bulb from him at that time.)

    His Brain Is Out Of Gas

    | Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am working at a rental outlet – construction, landscaping equipment, etc. I am in the ‘back shop,’ where we receive and send out items. Part of our job on sending an item out is to ‘train’ the renter, as many are first time users and have little if any tool using experience. All gas-powered tools are started up in front of the customer with the exception of pressure washers (which needed to be hooked up to water before starting). I’m dealing with a customer renting a pressure washer. I’ve given him the printed instructions and gone through the demonstration about five times.)

    Me: “So, you’re clear on it now?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’ve got it. Hook up the water and turn it on, turn the ignition switch to on, turn the fuel switch on, choke on, pull the cord and when the engine starts turn the choke off, then put the throttle to high.”

    Me: “Yep, you’re good to go. Let’s get you loaded up.”

    Customer: “One last question. Do I need a heavy duty extension cord for this?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess this runs on gas, doesn’t it?”

    (Sadly, this was not the dumbest customer moment I had there by far.)

    Needed To Do A Double Take

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I am an African American female who wears her hair in twists. A coworker of mine, who is also African-American and wears her hair in twists, comes downstairs from the ambulatory surgery unit.)

    Coworker: “Did you know we were twins?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    (She is at least six inches taller and forty pounds lighter than I am, and 20 years my senior.)

    Coworker: “Yep. This man says to me, ‘boy, you sure must get around.’ I say, ‘really?’ He says, ‘yeah, you were just at the x-ray desk.’ Then his wife says, ‘you bonehead; clearly there are two of THEM.’ Then he says, ‘well, then, they must be twins.’”

    (To this day, we greet each other as, ‘hey twin sista!’)

    Laptop Flop, Part 6

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work as a computer tech for a major university that has a contract with a government agency. The laptops issued to the government agents are standard except for the software. We try to diagnose and repair everything over the phone, and when we can’t resolve the problem, the customers are required to ship the laptops to us.)

    Me: “[Organization]. This is [My Name].”

    Customer: “Yeah, I accidentally spilled some soda into my laptop keyboard.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “So I shut it off immediately, but the keys were all sticky.”

    Me: “Okay, so we—”

    Customer: “So I decided that I would run it through the dishwasher.”

    Me: “You what?”

    Customer: “So yeah, I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything if I didn’t turn it on right away, while it was still wet.”

    Me: “So, your laptop is—”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t want to wait for it to dry. So I figured I could use a blow dryer on it.”

    (A blow dryer typically heats up to less than 160 degrees F or about 71 degrees C.)

    Me: “So the laptop needs—”

    Customer: “But I didn’t actually have a blow dryer, I only had a heat gun.”

    (Heat guns are shop and industrial tools used to melt plastics, solder, and a host of other things, often generating heat in the 1100 degrees F [about 600 C] range. Keyboards can melt at temperatures as low as 200 degrees F/93 degrees C.)

    Me: “So, you need to—”

    Customer: “So, the whole middle of the laptop is melted. Do you think I need to send it in?”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, just ship it to us, we will ship a replacement.”

    Related:
    Laptop Flop, Part 5
    Laptop Flop, Part 4
    Laptop Flop, Part 3

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