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    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 7

    | Southampton, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Geography

    (The shop is just about to close for the day when a customer comes in with a very minor issue, and while I am sorting the problem my colleague has closed the doors. The fix doesn’t take long, and I have just escorted the customer to the door to let him out when he appears to remember a separate issue:)

    Customer: “Oh, yes, while I’m here I was wondering if you could take a look at this weird line that keeps showing up when I use my maps app. Now, where was it..?”

    (He zooms right out on the maps so the whole world map is virtually visible.)

    Customer: “Here we are, you see? Straight through Africa there”

    Me: “Uh.. That’s the equator, sir. There’s not much I or anyone else can do about that, I’m afraid.”

    Customer: “Well, it definitely wasn’t there before.”

    Me: “I think it probably was…”

    Related:
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4

    Hired And Fired And Tired

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m shopping at a large electronics store. I’m dressed casually in a blue graphic tee which, if you aren’t paying attention, for a second might look like what the employees wear.)

    Other Customer: “I need you to find this for me.”

    (I don’t respond as I am not aware that she is talking to me. I am reading the specs on the back of a box. The other customer then shoves an opened item in my hands on top of the box I am holding.)

    Me: “What the h***?!”

    Other Customer: “HELLO?! FIND this for me.”

    Me: *hands it back to her* “I don’t work here. Work on your manners, lady.”

    Other Customer: *she just stares at me for a minute* “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

    (I just shake my head and start walking away. She is really getting on my nerves.)

    Other Customer: *following me* “STOP RIGHT THERE! You are NOT allowed to talk to paying customers that way!”

    Me: “I’M a paying customer. I don’t work here! Go away!”

    Other Customer: “I want to talk to your manager! You need to be fired for your attitude.”

    Me: “They can’t fire me if I don’t work here. Stop following me!”

    (At this point, other people are staring, laughing at the lady, and sharing sympathetic looks with me.)

    Other Customer: “Oh, we’ll see about that!”

    (A manager steps in as this lady has made a scene in the store and a lot of people have taken notice.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Other Customer: “This b**** is giving me the worst attitude! I have never been treated so badly in all my life!”

    Me: “And this psycho keeps following me around thinking I work here! I keep telling her I don’t work here!”

    Other Customer: “You won’t be working here if you keep up your b****y attitude!”

    (The manager is clearly very uncomfortable.)

    Manager: “Uh, ma’am, she doesn’t actually work here.”

    Other Customer: “You need to handle this! Fire this b**** immediately!”

    (The manager looks around at the customers and employees who have gathered at a safe distance and are snickering at the scene. He looks at me and shrugs.)

    Manager: *to me* “Uh… You’re fired, ma’am?”

    Me: *dramatically and smiling* “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME BEFORE YOU’VE EVEN HIRED ME!”

    Manager: *smiling* “I’d like to offer you a job as an associate. Awesome pay and benefits?”

    Me: “I’ll TAKE it!”

    Manager: “You’re fired.”

    Me: “NOOOOOOO! How could you?!”

    (The crowd starts laughing.)

    Other Customer: “Are you MOCKING me?!”

    Me: “He’s just giving you what you demanded. Now quit bothering me.”

    (She turned bright red and stormed out of the store without another word.)

    More Taxing To Some People

    | Austin, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (A customer brings a pack of gum to the counter. The MSRP, 69 cents, is printed on it.)

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be 75 cents.”

    Customer: *practically yelling* “No, it says 69 cents right here!”

    Me: “Yes, and sales tax makes it 75.”

    Customer: “Tax is 8 cents to a dollar, and this is less than a dollar, so there isn’t supposed to be any tax on it!”

    Me: “That’s… that’s not how sales tax works…”

    (He left without buying the gum.)

    Next Door Chore

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Hi, I bought these tweezers but the light doesn’t work. I want a refund.”

    Me: “Sure, do you have your receipt?

    Customer: *hands me a [Grocery Store] receipt*

    Me: “Oh, looks like you bought this at [Grocery Store].”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “This isn’t [Grocery Store]. That’s next door.”

    Customer: *angry* “Well, NOW what do I do?!”

    Me: “… Go next door and get a refund?”

    Customer: “Well! This is highly inconvenient!”

    The Non-Voice Of Reason

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. Please tell me your policy number?”

    Headset: “BEEP-BEEP-BOOP-BEEP-BOOP” *as the policyholder punches in the policy number*

    Me: “Please use your voice to tell me your policy number.”

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