Category: Extra Stupid

This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

Cancelling Out The Stupid

| Online | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

(We are running a promotion with a discount code, so we always get a lot of calls when this occurs from people who are having difficulty redeeming the coupon.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Business]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I assist you?”

Customer: “You know, you guys, you send these discounts, and they just never work, and I, you know, I want to cancel my order.”

Me: “Sorry you’re having some difficulty with that. Would you like me to see if I can help you place the order?”

Customer: “No, I just want to cancel it. I’m tired of hearing from all of these places that it’s ‘user error.’”

Me: “I understand. What was your order number?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your order number. I’d be happy to cancel it for you so you aren’t charged at all, since you couldn’t use the discount code.”

Customer: “I don’t have an order number.”

Me: “I can look it up by your last name, then.”

(I can’t find an order from that last name. I try asking more and more obvious questions, like ‘are you sure you placed an order on this website?’ since literally hundreds of customers have used the code with no difficulty.)

Customer: “I just got fed up because I couldn’t find a place to put the code, and then it wouldn’t accept it, so I just closed the window.”

Me: “So you’re saying you never actually placed an order?”

Customer: “No, I just closed your crappy website.”

Me: “Sir… if you didn’t place an order, we don’t have anything to cancel.”

Customer: “Why won’t you let me cancel my order?”

Me: “If you haven’t placed an order, there’s nothing for us to cancel. You just… don’t place the order.”

Customer: “So you’re saying you won’t cancel my order?”

Me: “No, I’m saying that there’s no order to cancel.” *I’m reaching here* “Say you were in line at a sub shop, and then you decided you wanted McDonald’s instead. You don’t have to go to the register at the sub shop to tell them you’re leaving if they didn’t make a sandwich for you, right?”

Customer: “I don’t want a d*** sandwich. I just want to cancel my order!”

(I pause.)

Me: “Okay, your order has been cancelled.”

(Click.)

Not The Brightest Question

| Australia | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Technology

(I’ve been talking to this customer for about five minutes already, answering questions about telescopes that we sell, and some of the questions just end up getting a bit silly…)

Customer: “So, with these telescopes would you be able to see meteors and other stars with them?”

Me: “You would be able to see meteors though they’re going to pass through your field of view so quickly it’d be pointless trying to find them, as you’d need to be aiming at the exact spot they’re going to pass through. As for other stars, they’re so far away that they will still just look like dots of light in the night sky.”

Customer: “What about our sun? Could you look at that?”

Me: “If you wanted to suffer eye damage, you certainly could, though it’s not recommended.”

Customer: “Doctors can fix blindness though, nowadays, can’t they?”

Suffering From A Vowel Movement

| MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Language & Words

(The grocery store I work in has a week every summer in which we put Hawaiian-esque foods on sale, such as tuna, pineapples, spam, pork, coconuts, etc. Neighborhood luaus are very popular in our area during the summer. We have signs proclaiming this all over the store.)

Customer: “I need to speak to your manager right away!”

Me: “I’m the manager. What can I help you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’m an English teacher, and I’m appalled by your signs!”

Me: “What’s wrong with them?”

Customer: “Whoever made then doesn’t know how to spell! Don’t you people know that you can’t put four consonants in a row?”

Me: “You mean vowels? And that is how you spell ‘Hawaiian,’ ma’am.”

Customer: *exasperated* “God, all of you are such f****** idiots! I’m looking it up on my phone right now!”

(She did just that, and my coworkers and I watched as she suddenly paled, ditched her cart, and left the store. We haven’t seen her back since, even though she was a regular.)

Not Quite Free For The Taking

| SD, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

(At the store where I work, you almost always have to buy two of an item to get the sale price. Sometimes we can make an exception if we don’t have two of the sale item in the store, but it’s not very common. A customer comes to my register and sets two things on the counter.)

Customer: “Can I only buy ONE of these to get the sale price? I only need one!”

Me: “Well, you’ll probably have to buy both… What’s the sale on them?”

Customer: “Buy one, get one free.”

Doesn’t Quite Get The Message

| Portland, OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid

(I am a receptionist and all incoming calls come to me, I also have two coworkers with the same first name.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company].”

Customer: “I missed a call from this number.”

Me: “I am sorry. All incoming calls come through my desk and I have no way of knowing who placed an outgoing call to your number. What company are you with? I might be able to look up who your project manager is.”

Customer: “[Other Company].”

Me: “I am sorry, but I don’t seem to have your company in my system. Did the person that called happen to leave a message?”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t listen to my messages.”

Me: “I apologize, but the best way for us to know who called you is for you to listen to the message.”

Customer: “Fine!” *click*

(Phone rings, it is the same customer.)

Customer: “Can I talk to [Coworker First Name]?”

Me: “May I ask, is that [Coworker First and Last Name #1] or [Coworker First and Last Name #2]?

Customer: “How am I supposed to know? They only said [First Name].

Me: “All right, did they tell you the nature of this call in the message?”

Customer: “I don’t know; I didn’t listen that far. Just let me talk to [First Name].”

Me: “Okay, sir, please hold while I determine which one of them called you. May I please get your name and company again?”

Customer: “No!” *click*

(He didn’t call back after that so I don’t know if he ever figured it out.)

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