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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Crime Has Reached A Tipping Point

    , | YK, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I’m at a local fair selling my arts and crafts. One of the things I do is make pins on the spot for people, and I have a sample of each pin design on display on a board. They’re very popular with kids as they’re only $2 each, so there are a few kids at the table. Most are pretty young, but this one was about 10.)

    Older Kid: “Can I have a pin of [design]?”

    Me: “Sure! $2 please!”

    Older Kid: *puts a $5 bill on the table*

    Me: “Okay, just one second. Let me just make it for you!”

    (I make the pin, and then hand it to the kid and pick up the $5.)

    Me: “Here you go, kiddo! Let me just get you your change!”

    Older Kid: “Thanks!” *he looks at the board, then suddenly grabs a display pin and RUNS from the table*

    Husband: *sitting next to me* “… Did he just steal a pin?”

    Me: *holds up the $5 bill* “Looks more like he tipped us!”

    The Purple Flower Eater

    | USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Home Improvement, Pets & Animals

    Manager: *answering phone* “[Complex Manager]’s office. This is [Manager].”

    Resident: “Someone dug up my flowers! The purple ones! It’s because purple is the gay color. They think I’m gay, and they hate me, so they dug up my flowers!”

    Manager: “Slow down, [Resident]. Who dug up your flowers?”

    Resident: “People who hate me because they think I’m gay!”

    Manager: “O… kay. When did you plant these flowers?”

    Resident: “Yesterday. I had that row of white flowers, and I planted the purple ones in between. It went white, purple, white, purple. But they only dug up the purple ones!”

    Manager: “Did you do anything special when you planted the purple ones?”

    Resident: “Well, yes. I put some fish pieces in the soil because I heard that it was supposed to help the plants grow.”

    Manager: “… [Resident], I think that raccoons dug up your flowers to get at the fish.”

    Resident: “What? No, that can’t be. Raccoons are very respectful of nature. They wouldn’t do that.”

    This Method Of Customer Service Should Go Viral

    | Reno, NV, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am working at the call center of a major bank. Usually we only handle questions regarding savings or checking accounts, but, in order to save customers time and aggravation, we are ‘encouraged’ to try to answer questions that more properly should be answered by a different department.)

    Customer: “I’m trying to log onto my account, but it just keeps asking for my username and password.”

    (I mute the call and turn to a co-worker who is monitoring the call queue.)

    Me: “How bad is the wait for online customer care?”

    Coworker: “35 minutes; it’s been climbing all night.”

    (I take the customer off mute.)

    Me: “Normally I would transfer you to online customer care, but let’s see if we can figure this out without you being on hold longer. Is your caps lock light on?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I go through all of the steps, and none of the usual errors seem to be a problem. I then recall an email that had gone around the company a few weeks before, about some malware and phishing attempts going on, and our bank is one of the targets.)

    Me: “Sir, do you know what the address bar is on your browser?”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “Up near the top of the screen, a long thin white rectangle, with letters inside? The letters should start with ‘http’?”

    Customer: *pause* “Yes, I see it.”

    (By this time my supervisor has noticed how long the call is taking and has come over to listen in.)

    Me: “Can you read off the letters after the two slash marks?”

    (As the customer begins to read the letters, I figure out the problem.)

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our website.”

    Customer: “But it’s got your logo on it.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. It’s a website that is supposed to look like our website, in order to steal your information.”

    Customer: “But it’s your logo.”

    (This continues for several minutes until the customer finally gets it.)

    Customer: “So what can I do?”

    Me: “You need to run antivirus software to make sure it isn’t a virus or malware. If you don’t know how to do that, I would recommend you get a professional to check out your computer.”

    Customer: “Can’t you recommend the software I could use?”

    Me: “Sir, we are a bank; I can’t give you advice about which software to use.”

    Supervisor: “Send him over to online customer care.”

    Coworker: “The wait’s gone up to 75 minutes.”

    Me: “Sir, can I place you on hold for a moment?”

    (I place him on hold and turn to my supervisor.)

    Me: “You want me to get him off the line right?”

    Supervisor: “The call’s already too long.”

    Me: “You want me to do whatever it takes to get him off the line?”

    Supervisor: “Yes! Just don’t hang up on him!”

    Me: *takes the customer off hold* “Sir, I’ve just asked our technicians, and they tell me that if you don’t take the computer in to a professional, the virus could infect any children in the house, and they could wind up paralyzed for life.”

    Customer: “Oh, my god! Can I take it into [Big Name Electronics Retailer]?”

    Me: “Yes, their computer department can scan and fix your computer. They do it all the time.”

    Customer: “Oh, my god. Thank you so much! You’re the best customer service guy I’ve ever talked to!”

    Me: “I’m glad I was able to help.” *turn to my supervisor as he stares at me in horror* “Happy?”

    Yellow Asparagus Will Make You Quite Green

    , | MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Okay, what kind of veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

    Customer: “I’ll take lettuce, spinach, olives, and asparagus.”

    Me: “Uh, we don’t have asparagus.”

    (Her tone suddenly becomes very snide and she points at a bin of vegetables.)

    Customer: “Well, what do you call that then?”

    Me: “…banana peppers.”

    Customer: “So that’s not yellow asparagus?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure if we sold yellow asparagus we’d be shut down. Asparagus is green.”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “Well, I’m sure a lot of people make that mistake.”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Not Very Closed Minded, Part 4

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I am working the closing shift at the store. We close at 7 pm and it’s just gone 7:15 pm. The last customer has just left the shop so I go to shut the doors and lock them when a customer pushes past me and runs into the store.)

    Me: “I am so sorry sir, but we have closed for the evening.”

    Customer: “No, you haven’t.”

    Me: “I can assure you, sir, that we have. We close at 7 pm each evening.”

    Customer: “But it’s after 7 and you are still here. Stop lying to me.”

    (The customer ignores me, grabs a basket and proceeds to do his shopping. I inform my manager of the situation and my manager and I approach the customer.)

    Manager: “Sir, we have closed for the evening so I am asking you politely to leave. We reopen at 5 am tomorrow morning. Please feel free to come back then.”

    (The customer began swearing at us before reluctantly leaving the store after 7:30 pm. Several days later my manager informed me that the customer had tried this three nights in a row! Needless to say we got an extra sign with the hours of the store placed on the doors.)

    Related:
    Not Very Closed Minded, Part 3

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