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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Snakes Like To Vegetate After A Meal

    | Gladstone, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

    Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

    Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them, and be pink or purple.”

    Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

    Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

    Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably 40 leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

    Customer #2: “Are you deaf!? We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

    (The ‘lizard’ they are talking about is in fact a 14 ft Burmese python, which is about 20 ft away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

    Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

    (In a huff, Customer #1 leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off 10-15 leashes, knocking probably 30 more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next 30 minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

    Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet! That’s so nasty!”

    Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

    Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

    Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

    Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice!? Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

    Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

    Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

    Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

    Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

    Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

    Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

    Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All vegetable dog food!”

    Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

    Customer #2: “So you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

    Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs, you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

    Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

    Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

    (Customer #2 gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

    Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

    (Customer #2 gestures to her poodle.)

    Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

    Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

    (They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

    Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

    Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”

    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 3

    | Twin Cities, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Politics

    (I am a cashier at a dollar store. Lately, we’ve been collecting school supplies for a charity that donates them to military families. As such, we have to ask customers if they would like to purchase an item for this charity.)

    Me: “Would you also be interested in purchasing an item for [Charity] today?”

    Man: “What is that? Some sort of communist youth organization?”

    Me: *dumbfounded* “Uhm, no, sir. It donates school supplies to military families with children.”

    Man: “Well, same thing right?”

    (I stand there for a few seconds, just silently blinking and staring at him.)

    Me: “…no, sir. Not even close.”

    Related:
    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 2
    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

    Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’

    | MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (A customer calls up asking to order reprints over the phone. She is very pleasant and the order is completed smoothly. She indicates that she would like to pay over the phone, which is fine. I go to the front phone and register to take her information and ring her out.)

    Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [total] with tax.”

    Caller: “I have four $20 bills.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you correctly. How would you like to pay?”

    Caller: “With cash. That way I can’t overspend. I have four $20 bills to use.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I cannot take cash over the phone. We take all major credit cards, or you can pay by cash when you pick up your order.”

    Caller: “No. This is ridiculous. You’ll be busy when I pick it up. I just want to pay now and get it out of the way.”

    Me: “I understand. We accept all major credit cards. I am ready whenever you are to complete the sale.”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you that! You’re just trying to steal my credit card! I want to pay cash!”

    Me: “If you would like to pay cash, you can come in and pay when you pick up the order. I cannot take cash over the phone.”

    Caller: “But I have cash! My husband can tell you I have it right here!”

    Me: “I believe you, but there is no way for me to accept your cash unless you come to the store in person. You are welcome to do that. Pre-paying is an option, not a requirement.”

    Caller: “I want to pay now!”

    (This continues for several minutes, until she finally decides to speak to my manager. Ultimately, she cancels the order, demanding that our company becomes more willing to accommodate multiple methods of payment in the future!)

    The Sausages Of Society

    | New York, NY, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in an Italian deli in Brooklyn that sells high quality cured meats. Because of its location, we have recently seen an upsurge in customers from Williamsburg’s gentrified neighborhoods. Two customers walk in.)

    Customer #1: “Yes. I wanted to know if you stocked any vegan sausages.”

    Me: *thinking they’re joking* “Sir, this is [deli]. Our specialty is aged and cured meats. We don’t sell vegan food.”

    Customer #2: *to his friend* “What did you expect from this place? Their vibes are totally off. It’s obvious this isn’t the right deli for us, man.” *turns to me* “Listen, you see?m like a pretty smart guy. You shouldn’t buy into the corporate lies they feed you. You know the sausages you sell are just pumped full of water and corn syrup right?”

    (I decide to have some fun with this.)

    Me: “Yeah. Right on, man. That must mean those giant storage lockers in the back where we hang the freshly grounded and mixed meat is just an illusion created by the corporate industrialists in order to fool the proletariat.”

    (Amazingly, they actually nod in agreement for a few second before realizing I’m making fun of them. Scowling, they finally leave.)

    Customer #2: “I’m going to tell my friends about all of the ‘negative vibes’ your deli gives off!”

    (To this day I’m not sure if they were serious or trying to prank us.)

    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 2

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at a call center for a large car rental company, booking rentals and providing customer service. I’ve been told my voice is very robotic.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller #1: “I’d like to book a rental.”

    Me: “When and where would you like to pick up your rental?”

    Caller #1: “I’d like to speak to a person.”

    Me: “Sir, I am a person.”

    Caller #1: “No, you’re the answering machine. Connect me to a person.”

    Me: “No, sir. I am a real person. My name is [First Name].”

    Caller #1: “STOP LYING TO ME, ROBOT!”

    (The caller hangs up. Five minutes pass and my next call comes in.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller #2: “Speak to an agent.”

    Me: “I am an agent, sir. Would you like to schedule a booking?”

    Customer #2: “Oh, wow! You sound exactly like the voice on the menus!”

    Related:
    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol 1


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