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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Addressing The Underlying Problem

    | Surrey, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I have a customer who is trying to return an opened package of undergarments. Like the vast majority of retailers, for hygienic reasons, we have a final-sale policy on all underwear. I explain this to the customer.)

    Customer: “I didn’t know that it was going to be final sale!”

    Me: “That’s our return policy, ma’am. All underwear is final sale, no refunds, returns, or exchanges.”

    Customer: “I’ve never heard or seen that policy anywhere!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have our policy written on this large sign right above my register, and it’s even printed on your receipt. You were given ample opportunity to read our policy.”

    Customer: “Well, WHY would I WANT to read it?!”

    (While I know that customers not reading signs is nothing new, this was my first time seeing someone show so much indignation over it. I found this to be incredibly annoying.)

    Me: “Because you’re a very intelligent lady who makes informed decisions!”

    (The customer took her underwear and quietly left my store.)

    Cat-atonic To Your Pleas

    | VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I’m waiting in the lobby of my vet’s office. Because I don’t own a car and either take a taxi or the bus there, I have my dog’s carrier with me, but I’ve taken him out of it. Another client comes in with a carrier, checks in, and sits down next to me. After a second, I realize she has a cat in the carrier. My dog is not friendly with cats, so I get up and move to some seats on the other end of the lobby.)

    Me: *on my way to the far-away seat, big smile on my face* “You don’t smell, I promise. It’s just that my dog is aggressive towards cats, and if he realizes there’s a cat in your carrier, he will begin to act out.”

    Other Client: “Nonsense, all pets can be friendly towards each other. They just have to be properly introduced. Come over here; they’ll be fine!”

    Me: “Really, I’ve tried just about everything. He really dislikes cats and will try to attack them. Sometimes it’s in their genes. It’s no big deal. We’ll just sit over here and he won’t even realize you have a cat there!”

    Other Client: *reaching for the door of her carrier* “Oh, come on now. I watch The Dog Whisperer. I can get them to get along.”

    Me: “Please don’t! I’d feel terrible if he hurt your cat! I don’t want him to get hurt, either, if the cat needs to defend itself.”

    (Despite my pleas, the other client takes her cat out of the carrier. My dog immediately hits the end of his leash, nearly foaming at the mouth. She ignores his obvious aggression and starts walking towards us, doing this stupid sing-songy “be a good doggie and make friends with the cat” while her cat sees what’s up and starts hissing and trying to get away from her to run away.)

    Me: *trying to corral my dog and shove him in his own carrier* “PLEASE BACK OFF NOW! MY DOG WILL HURT YOUR CAT IF YOU FORCE THEM TOGETHER! PLEASE STOP!”

    (She doesn’t stop, but I manage to get my dog back in his carrier before she reaches us. SHE HOLDS THE CAT UP TO THE MESH WINDOW OF MY DOG’S CARRIER, which I’ve situated behind my legs, persisting in her sing-songy “be a nice doggy!” while my dog tries to eat through his carrier to eat the cat.)

    Receptionist: “Uh, I think you probably want to keep your cat away… Um, this doesn’t sound good.” *she runs to get some assistance*

    Me: “That is enough! Get that cat away from my dog! And me, I have terrible allergies!”

    Other Client: “Oh, why didn’t you just say you were allergic! I don’t want to make you miserable all day!”

    (I think her cat was quite relieved that she then put it back in its carrier and took her seat across the lobby from me. But… she was willing to avoid aggravating my allergies, but not driving my dog mad, scaring the daylights out of her cat, and risking harm to both?)

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 12

    | MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I provide a replacement business cell phone for a user who misplaced hers. During the delivery process of the new phone I ask:)

    Me: “Have you been able to find the original phone?”

    Caller: “I’ve looked in every room except the one I think it’s actually in.”

    Related:

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 11
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 10 
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 9 

    That’s The Way The Cookie Repeatedly Crumbles

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. Today I’m training a new employee on how to use the register. A woman comes up with a box of cookies. I scan it.)

    Woman: “No! The price on those is too high. Cancel it.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I cancel it.)

    Woman: “Scan it again.”

    Me: “Um, okay?”

    (I scan it again.)

    Woman: “No, the price is still too high. Cancel it.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    (I cancel it again.)

    Woman: “Scan it again.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the price isn’t going to change.”

    Woman: “You don’t know that!”

    (This goes on for several minutes to the point where I have to call a manager over to deal with. Eventually she leaves, without the cookies.)

    Trainee: “Did that really just happen?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Trainee: “Is customer service always like this?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Trainee: “I should get my stupidity vaccine updated, shouldn’t I?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Must Be Using 2% Of Their Brain

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name and account number, please?”

    Customer: “God d*** it, not this again. Look, I just need you guys to send me a god d*** technician to fix my Internet! It’s been three days since it was installed and it still doesn’t work!”

    (At this point I take a deep breath and grab my stress ball.)

    Me: “Oh, well, that’s no good. Newly installed and not even working? I definitely understand the concern, but I’d be more than happy to help figure out what’s going on and see if we can get you online.”

    Customer: “Yeah, whatever. Just fix it.”

    Me: “Okay, well, let’s start off with what exactly isn’t working? Are you not connected to the wifi? Is the—”

    Customer: “Look, I’ve already typed the d*** wifi password in 10 times and it doesn’t work. I just need a technician.”

    Me: “If we need to set you up with a technician we will, but we could probably fix this over the phone pretty quickly. Now, this might seem like a silly question, but what wifi password are you using? By the way, the password is on the si—”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, it’s on the side of the modem. I already know.”

    Me: “Okay, well, read it off to me so I can make sure we’ve got the right one.”

    Customer: “TWO-ZERO-SLASH-ZERO-B-F-THREE-….”

    Me: “Okay, thank you. Now, I noticed you said you were putting in ’20/0′ for the first four characters, right?”

    Customer: “YES, that’s what I just said!”

    Me: “All right, the correct password is ‘2%BF3. That’s a percent sign, ma’am.”

    (Three minutes later…)

    Me: “Did it work?”

    Customer: “…Yes.”

    Me: “All right, it looks like we didn’t have to send that technician after all!”

    Related:
    Must Be Using 1% Of Her Brain

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